Half empty

I had another post in mind for today, but this has been gnawing at me so decided to post it..

We were out with friends one night last week.  These are friends from my previous job so they know all about everything we've been through and are going through. They have 2 cute little girls and have had no infertility problems.

Night was good, had many a few drinks and before we knew it, it was midnight.  Closing out the night, of course the topic of babies came up.  My friend said something to the effect of 'when' we have babies we'll see how it is (I can't even remember what we were talking about - something about the 'terrible twos' I think).  I said, well we're nearing the end (of our journey) so it's not a 'when' it's an 'if'. To which he quickly responded 'oh I know it will happen'.

There was no ill will, no sadness (at that point), just a statement of a matter of fact.

It may not happen.

On our ride home, I said to the hubby, you know, that was the first time I said it and I felt like I meant it.  This may not happen. The past years, my 'glass half full' personality always thought it would eventually happen (like Ross & Rachel from friends).  He responded 'oh I've thought that for awhile now'. Shocked - - I said what do you mean for awhile.  He said for probably the past year or so.  ....what??  For the past year, he's thought this isn't going to happen. That made me sooo eternally sad.  Sad for him, sad for me, sad for us.  Honestly, it broke my heart.

I feel like this is my fault.  My body is letting us down.  I know, it's not the end of the world...we don't have a terminal illness, we'll get over this, so I am thankful for that.  But at this moment, I'm sad.

source

Cheers.