Are we "those" people

The hubby and I were talking the other day about TTC, announcing pg, babies, etc.  The subject of IF came up (of course) and the fact that the few times every time I say I'm pg I have to say "but it took awhile" or "after a long journey" to justify the fact that we 'deserve' this pregnancy.   Will I always feel like this?

Who am I to 'deserve' a pregnancy.  Just because we've been through a lot - which compared to a lot of people - is nothing.  So many people have had multiple losses, IUI/IVF failures, surgeries etc.

I've had multiple friends comment that after waiting for so long, everything is going to be just fine, no worries.  Really? I just don't believe that.  I don't believe we 'deserve' this after 4 years.  I think people go through a boatload more and deserve a better shot.

Ya know?  Am I wrong in thinking this?  I think of friends who have battled cancer once..twice..and deserve more than the cards they've been given.

Sure I pray..hope..pray that all continues to go well, but I don't believe we 'deserve' this after 'all we've been through'.  I think we've been given a gift and I will not take it for granted.

Cheers!

Blessed

12 weeks.  Yep, we've (I hate when girls say "we're pg" like really, a guy is pg) I've made it 12 weeks. Our 12 week appt has come and gone, HB 158. Lower than the first HB at 7.5 weeks, but still good per the Dr. (notice I said Dr not RE because <sob sob> we've graduated from our RE!!!!!)

For most IFs, graduating from your RE is soo exciting, yet scary.  No more nurses, REs that hold your hand, talk to you multiple times a day, comfort you in times of fear, doubt.  Now we are at the normal clinic where they look at you with crazy eyes if you ask if you can take Tylenol or get the flu shot.  Not to say that the clinic cares less, I just think they see sooo many babies that they sometimes forget what a miracle it is for some people (yes having a baby is truly a miracle, but I mean specifically getting pg).  After 4 years, finally, we may have said child!

Even tho I have one pair of pants that fit I still can't believe it. Still not real.  Dr said technically you're not "safe" until 15 weeks (which is contrary to what I've read everywhere) so have a few weeks to go, but so far so good.  And we truly feel.so.blessed. So blessed that after 4 years it could be really happening!!??

So my friends, decisions decisions.  What to do about this here blog....any techy's out there? How do I make this blog private? I tried to limit it to "Only these readers" but I'm not sure how to list people.... Help!?

For now, I'm still keeping it open till I figure out what to do.

It's a happy day people.  I know this is hard to read for some of you, so again, my apologizes.

Cheers.

A forever IF Update

Titles are the toughest part of a post.

10 weeks.  Yep, 10 weeks after the BFP (well technically 8 weeks, but you know what I mean).  How did I get here?  I don't "feel" pg, I feel like a poser.  I so want to leave the IF group, but right now, I'm in limbo.  I still have yet to tell any friends (other than the 2 I had to tell due to circumstances) that I'm pg.  I still feel like it's going to "go away".   Should I mention I took another pg test last week <blushing> ??

There is so much going on in our lives right now that I feel guilty for feeling happy and feeling hope.  Will I get past this...?

**

I had a dream last night that my water broke (even tho my uterus is the size of softball) and my friends dad the doctor (who in reality is not a doctor) came to the diner I was eating breakfast at to deliver my 'baby'.  Think I'm worrying? Nah.. :D

I also had a dream my sister was pg.  I won't divulge which one... ;-)

I have another OB appt in a few weeks.  We *should* be able to hear the heartbeat (I say should because I have a tilted uterus and heartbeats are harder to find early on).  Will it feel more real then?  Time will tell.

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Cheers.

Sweetest Sight

As I mentioned, we went in for our first ultrasound (7.5 weeks) and saw this beautiful sight:

**

The day started early (like normal). We left the house at 6, arrived in Madison on time for our appointment.  I was super nervous, sweaty palms and all. The hubby took my hand and made a joke about my clammy hands.  I think it runs in the family (right mom :D ). It seemed to take forever to be brought back.  The receptionist said the Dr was running late if I wanted to sit (was I pacing? yep.).

The nurse took my BP, 140/100 which is high for me..she asked if I was nervous.  Duh.

The Dr went in as I held my breath watching the monitor.  One really nice thing about the clinic is there is a huge screen for you to watch, unlike my OB where you sit there while they look and you have NO idea what she saw until the Dr calls you back later.  Anyway, she said 'baby is being photogenic, thanks baby' as I continued to hold my breath...waiting...hoping for a tiny little flicker.  And boom, there it was.  She said, heartbeat is right there.  It was oh so tiny, but it was there!  HB of 167.

Relief.  Big Sigh.

Now comes the waiting game.  Waiting, praying that that little flicker continues to grow and progress until 12 weeks where the risk of miscarriage decreases greatly.

I should feel absolute relief but when I got home I googled what the risk of miscarriage was after seeing a heartbeat and saw all the scary, real stories of miscarriage at 8, 9, 10 weeks.  Being a numbers person doesn't help me in these instances.  Miscarriage after seeing a heartbeat does happen and it could happen to me.

For the moment, I am happy and trying to remain calm and await these 4 weeks.   I know I say this a lot recently, but

Cheers to the weekend!

The "I knew it would happens"

I have told 2 people (other than immediate family) about our BFP.  I'm just too nervous to.  It just seems like if I tell people it will 'go away'.  The hubby, on the other hand, seems to tell everyone he sees :D  Fine by me as IF something happens (God Forbid) he has to be the one to tell these people.

A lot of the non-family members (mostly his work friends) have said or text'd me "Oh I knew it would happen".  This bothers me.  It shouldn't I know, but it does.  Like, oh forget the past 4 years as you're now "in the cool club".  Not really, even if this pregnancy holds on, I will always consider myself an IF.  I will never forget where I came from as it has made me who I am today.

You can't erase your past, only move forward with the knowledge you've gained.

Cheers!

PS Thank you for hanging on and continuing to follow, especially IFs, as I'm sure it's tough to follow this journey, but I do understand <3

Onward we shall go

Hello,

I really don't have much IF-wise to report.  I feel like this is the longest 2WW ever.  Still pregnant (to my surprise) and still waiting/hoping/praying that all is cooking well in there.  I really feel no strong symptoms yet (other than tender b00bs) so I'm waiting either to wake up and have it all be over, or that at our next Dr appt they will say, nope no pregnancy.  Or worse yet, no heartbeat.

I watched an episode of 19 kids and counting last night. If you've never caught it, it's a reality show about a very large, faith driven, family in Arkansas.   Of course I caught the one where Michelle is pg with her 20th child and they go in for a routine ultrasound (at 20 weeks) and there is no heartbeat. I cried.  I prepared myself for this possibly happening to us.

I was talking to a friend recently.  She made a comment that really stuck.  This is the part where faith and hope come in.  Your faith (whatever it may be) will keep you strong.  She's right, so why am I worried and why can't I focus on the 'now' and be happy with where I'm at?

I do feel very blessed that we have gotten this far.   Each and every day is a waiting game.  Waiting and hoping all goes well and I'm not thrown back on the IF train.

As our friends say, please storm the heavens with prayers for our appointment next week!

Cheers!

Doubts

After almost 4 years of infertility I still feel like a poser when I say "I'm Pregnant" (well the few times I've said it out loud).   I usually deflect by saying well it's still early so I just hope it sticks or well I hope to make it to the magical 12 week mark.  The hubby hates when I do this.

I just still can't believe it.  I feel like we've been trying for so long that I just feel like this gift is going to be taken away from me.  I can't imagine people who have suffered from IF for longer or who have suffered greater losses, I truly am sorry as it must be heartbreaking. 

I was thinking of things that would have been different had we conceived right away.  I probably would have told everyone right away.  I probably wouldn't feel dread every morning *hoping* this isn't the day I have a miscarriage. I probably wouldn't analyze every single stinkin' cramp, twinge, etc and run to the bathroom praying for no blood (sorry TMI).  I most likely wouldn't have asked a co-worker (in front of a group) if his 3 month old twins were natural or assisted (my filter took a vacation at that moment..I later apologized to him and thankfully he was cool about it).   I don't think I would be this nervous.  I don't think I would have to make myself relaxxx this much.  I would enjoy these early on weeks.

It's a tough road, a road I honestly thought I would never be on. But for today, I am greatly thankful for what I have been given.  Today is a gift.

Cheers to the weekend!

Blessed

Blood draw #2: 2272 (up from 603 a few days ago). Yippee!

Let me preface this with a story (why me, always?).  I get to the lab bright and early.  I'm the first patient.  I am called in fairly quickly by a chatty nurse.  We talk about the weekend, her kids and her vacation up north.  All goes well with the blood draw and I ask about HcG levels.  She said, as I expected, they should have doubled from your first draw.  Technically, per my RE, while everyone is different, early on levels should double every 48 to 72 hours.   She then goes into her story about her first miscarriage and how her HcG had almost doubled so they took it a third time and it went down and she eventually had a miscarriage.  Why oh why would you tell me this when I'm obviously already nervous??

Arg.

Despite my nervousness, I got my results 4 (!!??) long hours later.  RE's response, levels look great, still elevated with what we'd expect this early on, but that's good!

Yippeeee.

I am relieved.  *Maybe* Excited. Feel like I can breathe and try to relax until the ultrasound in a few weeks.  A friend said to relax and enjoy the pregnancy.  I am *trying* but it's definitely harder than I thought!

I feel so blessed, I can't explain it.  I know we still have a long 8 weeks to go until it's technically "safe" but it's a step. A good step forward.

Cheers.

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Disclaimer: I am not a medical doctor, these are my own experiences.

Onward we go

Since the first BFP, I've been taking it easy.  Doggoneit we've sure waited and hoped and worked for this for so long so I'm sure not going to take it for granted and press my body too hard.

Exercise:  Basically all I've been doing is walking (2-4 miles a day) or bike riding and lifting light weights, mostly my fav Fit Sugar videos.  I really want to go back to Yoga, but I'm terrified to push my body.  I haven't ran in 2 weeks and I don't see picking it back up, except maybe adding a few minutes of running into my walks IF I feel ok.

Food/Drinks: Obviously no alcohol. Trying to drink lots and lots of water. Still drinking coffee, however I limit it to 1 cup a day (most Dr's say 200 mgs of caffeine is okay).  No espresso (this.is.so.hard.). Trying to eat more veggies, fruits and limit any processed foods.  I have been either eating a big ole' salad a day or drinking a green juice every day.

Vitamins/Supplements/Meds:  My RE put me on Prometrium, a form of progesterone.   Per my RE (and google of course), Prometrium is taken as a supplement to prevent miscarriage.  My RE said basically it helps the placenta form.   He said they usually prescribe it the day of the IUI until pregnancy is confirmed (wish I would have been told this earlier!), so I am starting it late, but better late than never.  I will be on this until week 11 (*hopefully* if all goes well).
I take fish oil 2x/day and also a prenatal vitamin of course.

Will any of this help? Probably not, I've seen many preggers get pg while drinking into the first trimester, eating McD's every day and partying till all hrs in the night.  Does it make me feel better? Absolutely.

As it's still super early, I feel slight body changes but nothing major.  Normal boob tenderness, slight twinges, lower back uncomfortableness. All of which my RE said is normal and to be expected.

So, onward we shall go.   For IFs reading, I know this is probably hard to read/follow and I hate knowing that I am causing you pain.  I 100% have been there and understand <3

As of now, I am thankful for what I have been given.

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Disclaimer: These are my experiences, I am not a medical doctor nor do I give advice.

Blood Test #1

I went in for my first hCG level blood test. Results: 603.

The feedback from my RE, you're pregnant, congrats!

Per Baby Med:
HCG stands for "Human Chorionic Gonadotropin", the pregnancy hormone which is produced by the placenta and enters the blood soon after implantation and is detected with pregnancy tests.  HCG is being produced by the placenta and enters the blood stream as soon as implantation happens, about one week after fertilization and ovulation, when the embryo implants and the placenta attaches to the uterine lining.

• hCG under 5 mIU/ml:   Negative. Not pregnant
• hCG between 5-25 mIU/ml:"Equivocal". Maybe pregnant maybe not. Repeat test in a couple of days
• hCG over 25 mIU/ml:You are pregnant!

The nurse said my level was high (they are hoping for 50), however higher is better, so no worries. Whew!

How do I feel? Nervous, anxious, waiting for Blood test #2 to make sure my levels are going up. If not, that could indicate a future miscarriage.

Probably like most IFs, I still don't believe it. I think until I see that ultrasound (and maybe not even till I have a healthy child in my arms) I won't believe it.

I feel like I have this little secret and I can't tell anyone.  I am very nervous to tell anyone. Nervous I'll have to go back and say, nope no baby again as we had a miscarriage.

But for now I'll celebrate the little victories...

My name is Nicole and I'm pregnant! (I feel like I'm at an AA meeting introducing myself as who am I??).

Cheers!  I try to remember this each day when I wake up

Every beginning is anothers end

I'm so terribly sad the Olympics are over..  My fav moments (gymnastics of course):

Gabby winning the Gold

The Fab Five winning Gold

And my absolute fav, Ali, the underdog, winning the Gold for Floor

I was so sad to see Jordan miss out, but turns out she had a stress fracture that could have affected her competing. Plus she did get a team gold, booyah!

How amazing is Oscar from South Africa 

An end of a glorious 2 weeks. 

**

A *hopeful* beginning..

I have taken 10 HPTs (home pregnancy tests) after IUI#6 because I'm so terrified this will go away like last time. But for now...I can't believe I'm saying this.. BFP! Multiple (all 10) actually. The 2nd line in this picture looks light, must be the lighting and my cheap camera.  The hubby teased that we should buy stock in EPT because I just bought 2 more packages yesterday.  Is it silly that I have wasted so many tests.. maybe.. but I just feel better about my day.  

I have blood tests to confirm coming up.  Stay tuned and please please send baby dust our way.  After 4 years of heartache, emotion, and 6 IUI's, I finally have a BFP that has stuck around! I know we have a loooong way to go, but baby steps my friends. We're not there yet.

Cheers!

Heartbreak

So this is what it feels like to see that BFP and 'feel' pregnant.  For.a.day.  Yep, one day I got a BFP, the next day AF arrived.

WTF.

Guess I got my answer on whether to take an early pg test.  Never again because this felt like a kick in the gut.  Literally.

Roll back to the day I got the BFP. I was so excited. I was alone (hubby works 24 hr shifts) so I hid the test until I could 'reveal' it to him.  I went for a slow, leisurely walk/run and thought of the ways we'd tell our parents/family.  I got back and the hubby had just gotten home.  I said something to the effect of not being able to do wine and sushi that night.  He asked why, then I showed him the positive test.  He was floored, actually took it from my hand and examined it (and later he said he took a picture of it but deleted it when AF arrived :(  ).  We were both excited but nervous.  I even, like a novice, took a picture of the positive test with a calendar in the *hopes* that it would lead to a healthy happy baby.

We have never gotten a BFP in our 3.5 yrs of trying.  But, I know better than this. Really, I do.  I see those people who announce it on Facebook only to have to retract it later.  I see those people who have their hearts broken.

This BFP would have been the first step in the looong 9 months of worry.  A lot of pregnancies end in heartbreaking miscarriage.  But I, *trying* to be positive, was really thinking, this is it, our 3.5 yrs of waiting has paid off.

Then BAM like a bomb our dreams were shattered.  And I.am.so.sad.

I can relate to Jack Osborne, when he was quoted as saying "God looked down and said too much good, need bad".  We are so lucky in so many ways, but we struggle with this.

**

On a positive note, we're not done yet. We Won't Go Down Without A Fight.  In talking to a nurse at our RE's office, I most likely had a chemical pregnancy, which is actually a good thing.  The egg met the sperm (Yay!), now we just need it to stick.

So onto IUI#6. oye

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Cheers.