Merry Christmas - My guide to IF

Merry (belated) Christmas! I'm a tad behind in posting.

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The Holidays.

There are a couple ways I coped with being infertile over the holidays. I realize I am not an expert but these are things that helped me the past 4 years (long time to some, not even close to a long time to others).

Drink Lots Sparingly.  No joke.  But there definitely is a point where I'd pass the "happy" relaxed - nothing bothers me - me and become emotional, sad and cry on the car ride home.

Workout.  If you know me, it's no secret I love to run. Love love love it.  It helped clear my mind.  The feeling of the ground beneath my feet, the early morning runs when everyone else is asleep.  Pure bliss.

Yoga. Yes, another form of a workout, but I think of it also as a mind clearer as there's a 'zen' about Yoga.  If you find the right instructor, it leaves you feeling soo great.  Even when I went into class having a terrible "poor me" day, I'd come out feeling refreshed..well all but one time. You know the time where I wanted to run out screaming.

I felt like this a lot of the time, despite the happy front I thought I put on

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Research. Blogs/articles helped me. There's a huge infertile community out there and knowing you're not alone is the best.  To quote one article on surviving IF over the holidays:

1.  Say no to parties. Really. Do.It.
2.  Prepare an answer to the dreaded "still no luck" questions.
3.  Call on your support system. ---> Friends! Family! I have a few people I could complain to and it felt so great to just talk frankly.
4.  Look for the positives ---> I don't like this one.  It makes me think everything is unicorns and rainbows when we know it's a front.  Yes, you can be sad.
5.  Give Yourself A Break ---> My favorite.  Take a break, let yourself feel sad.  Then get over it and move on.

Speaking of blogs.  Head on over to this blog and take a read of

Just a few of my favorites:

"You’re so lucky.  You don’t know how hard it is to [fill in inappropriate comment like “change diapers,” “never sleep,” “buy clothes all the time,” here].  (You’re right.  I don’t know.  Thanks for that loving reminder.)"

"Maybe you’re just not supposed to have kids… (Hello?  Was there a secret early morning “Qualifying Mom Exam” that I did not know about?  I hate it when I oversleep!)"

"So-and-so tried for 10 years to get pregnant.  Finally, when she gave up, it happened.  (That’s great for so-and-so.  What does her body have to do with mine, anyway?  Oh.  She has the secret sauce ingredient to “getting” pregnant, does she?  Hmm…she does have a lot of cute new purses.  I haven’t tried buying purses yet….maybe I should try that?  Any excuse to shop!)"

Source

Cheers! Be happy and enjoy, 2013 is right around the corner. 

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T-a few days until D-Day

*The elephant in the room* how am I feeling after IUI#6 ??

My yoga teacher read something the other day that really struck a cord for me "Fear.  Let yourself be vulnerable to fear. So many times we hide because we're afraid to be vulnerable."

I am terrified this IUI didn't take.  Terrified of what comes next.  Terrified that Dr L will say IVF is our only option and we have to make the decision.  Terrified of being done trying.

The first week after the IUI I was super tired. Like wake up after a full night of sleep still tired.  I thought, maybe just maybe, there's a little something happening in there making me tired.  But now I'm not so sure.

I'm not trying to be negative, I just don't think it worked.  And I'm terrified of what's next.

Happy birthday to me.  It's my 4th birthday of TTC and we're still not any closer.
Cheers.

Baby bellies part deux

If you remember my last post on baby bellies, this one is not any better. So I apologize in advance if this offends you or someone you know but this is my blog and if you don't like it, move on.

 source  (this reminds me of my cousin who I love and who offered to be our surrogate..another post for another day xo)

I bought a Living Social deal for Yoga back in Dec and sadly time has passed so quickly that it expires in a month!  So I finally made it to class last night. and Boy, do I wish I would have stayed home.

I walked in 2 min late, usually not a big deal. Got an evil look from the instructor (supposedly the "guru" of Yoga in this area) as I quickly set up in the first place that I saw.  ...Next to a very pregnant girl (we'll call her J). Augh. (I know life could be worse, but apparently it's a pity party for me this week)

At first I thought, oh how cute, she's probably 6 mo's along and still practicing active Yoga.

Then came the comments between her and the instructor that made me want to scream/cry/leave: "J shouldn't do this" and "J because you just finished a marathon (what?!!) I know you are strong and can do this"  then "J lets work on your hammies" and finally "J the babies head is down, lets try to work on that and opening your hips for delivery in 2 months".

J came back with comments as such:  "Well I still fit in my pre-pg jeans" followed by "I can't do that b/c of all the running I'm doing" and more comments like "running is my thing, yoga comes second so this is tough for me, the belly is in the way"  blah blah blah.

It was 2 hours of friendly exchanges.  I almost walked out 2 moments in class. The first one was after the above where she said the belly was in the way. You don't know how lucky you are.

This studio is new-to-me so I did not know the instructor, but I must have had a sad/mad/sad face on because towards the end when I was thinking of walking out (again) she came over to me and asked if everything was ok. oops, guess I wear my heart on my yoga sleeve.

 For those of you who are not IF, it probably seems like I am making a mountain out of a mole hill as they say.  But honestly, you have NO idea how hard this is and the emotional roller coaster we go through. This was definitely a down slope for me.

**

On the Up! Tonight I'm going to another Yoga class at my favvvv studio for a workshop called "yoga and chocolate".  Could life get any better.. yoga and chocolate.. well maybe if wine we're involved.

Cheers to the weekend. and I promise to *try* to make next week a positive om week.
xo

TGIF!

Happy Friday!

TGIF, anyone, anyone?

I tell ya, this week has felt like 2 weeks smashed into one.  It was just busy, stressful, busy and did I say busy??

Did I mentioned I fell asleep sitting up the other day? 

I tried to relax at Yoga last night, but my body just wasn't having it.  Every move, every pose felt like I was dragging my body through mud.  Our instructor talked about an "aha" moment, a moment in your practice where you have clarity and/or you did something you normally couldn't do.  I will say, despite the mud dragging, I had an "aha" moment when we did tripod

source

Now I'm sure I didn't look at good as the yogi above, but it was something!

Then I walked out of the studio. and saw the many bellies preparing for Prenatal Yoga with their cute little pillows and bolsters. Really???? Is this a test?? Is God telling me I need to be strong because I think I've pretty much mastered that already. 3.5+ years is strong.  But this, really?

I've always had this image of what being pregnant would be like.. the pregnancy glow, the walks with the hubby and our dog with the cute little belly and prenatal yoga. I don't know why, it's just what I imagined.

Soo seeing this just tore at my heart strings and un-did everything yoga was supposed to do.

So, we planned date night for tonight. We'll be having this

and many of these (pinkies as they have been called)

just because I can.  So universe, take that.  score 1 for me.

Cheers to the weekend!

and for those who celebrate Happy Cinco de Mayo!

The land of What-ifs

We live in a land of "what ifs".. what if I hadn't been such a big runner, would I have gotten pg? What if we had tried in our twenties? What if we lived closer to family?  Unfortunately it does us no good, except cause worry and undo stress. 


In Yoga, they instruct us to "Stay in the Moment."  You know how hard that can be..we are always making lists in our head, thinking of what to have for dinner, what is going on at work, etc.  Last night I tried a new Yoga class and the last 30 minutes was a walking meditation.  Meditation is any form of a family of practices in which practitioners train their minds or self-induce a mode of consciousness to realize some benefit.  (source:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meditation)


That last 30 min was the toughest part of class. 


I'm not sure how to "stay in the moment" and not worry.  I'm still working on that myself.  All I can say/do/offer is to slow down and smell the roses.  Life is short!   


Cheers!