Decision Time.

Where has the time gone.. While this is still and will remain an IF blog, I do have a baby update below.

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Baby C arrived on Wednesday, April 17th, healthy, happy and screaming (and peeing on our OB).  We feel so ultimately blessed to have this little miracle in our lives.

Every day we thank our lucky stars for this little man.  What more could we ask for?

So it's decision time folks.  I feel torn about continuing this blog.  For now, I'll check in every now and then.  If you would like to contact me or ask anything (really anything) please leave a comment and I'll get back to you.

Until next time, enjoy and be happy <3

xoxo

Knock Knock..anyone out there?

So I've been neglecting the Blog big time.  It's been way too long...

Update (**Baby update.. feel free to skip over**)

...................

I am currently 35 weeks pregnant (!!!), seriously where has the time gone.   Baby now has a 99% survival rate if born at this stage.  Of course, there are still many other risks that I worry about.... but positive thinking, right?  If you would have told me last year, amongst the fertility treatments, that it WILL happen, I would never have believed it.  Last year at this time, we were on IUI #3.  I of course still remember the heartbreak of every drive to Madison, every tear shed, every negative test.  It's something I'll never forget.  But it got us here and I wouldn't wish the experience away. 

Ok, that's it for now.  END of baby update.

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There are a few IF blogs I've read throughout the years; while I don't comment on most of them, they have really helped me a ton.   Not only can I relate & learn from them, it's nice to know you're not alone.  Jenny from Among the Blossoms is one I read here and there.  After 8 years of IF, she conceived naturally (!!??) and just had a baby.  Crazy.  She had a post that I wanted to share.

This post talks about running into strangers who spill their IF stories.  This post really hit home because it happens to me all the time.  It's like we want to share..we want to relay our story because maybe someone else is struggling and we can help.  Or we just want to get it out. Who knows.  Anyway, take a quick read, it's interesting.

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Cheers, spring is almost here (I hope!). 

A letter to my 28 year old self

I've seen a few IF blogger do this and I really liked it so here we go..

Hello 28 year old self,

Back in 2008 when you and the hubby talked about taking that last pill in Feb 2009, you would never have thought this journey would be so challenging.  Doesn't it just take sex to make a baby?  You will go off BC and assume it will happen in the next few months.  Oh how wrong you will be.  But you will get through it.  It is truly a journey and you have the best partner.

You will have good days, many bad days and days where you want to throw in the towel.  But we're not quitters so don't give up.

You will have days where you pretend that everything is fine and you're happy taking trips because it fills the void.  It may for the time being, but when you return to real life you're back to being sad.  Hang in there.

You will become great at pretending.  But know there are so many resources out there, You're not alone. Even though IF feels like such a lonely journey..

You will have angry days. Angry at life, angry at how unfair it is that couples not trying just happened to get pregnant and that's okay.  It's also okay to skip events, unhum, baby showers because, well you just can't bear to see another swelling belly.

You will lose friends but you will gain friends.   Friends that understand and are really there for you. Turn to them, even when you feel like you sound like a broken record.  That's what friends (and family) are for.

I'll say it again, you have the best partner.  You're never given more than you can handle, and you can handle this.

Cheers.

"Especially those without kids"

The other day, a FB friend wrote a post that really irked me (she must have removed it as it's now gone - maybe someone agreed with my thoughts below and made a comment to her).  It was a link to an article about saying things to other peoples kids; her comment was something to the effect of 'Please read this article and take note.  Especially those without kids'.

Of course this irks me.  Am I wrong in being irritated that she singles out those w/o kids?  WTH.  Of course, she has the perfect family and has no idea how this could be taken from an IF.   Don't get me wrong, she's a nice person, I think she just didn't realize how this could be interpreted (which is maybe why it was taken down?).  This is the same person that I was talking to (with another child-hopeful friend) over the summer about still struggling with IF and she said 'you always want what you can't have'.  Ouch.

The FB comment reminded me of the movie As Good As It Gets with Helen Hunt and Jack Nicholson (great movie btw).  When he goes to her apartment and says hello to her 8 year old. The child doesn't respond and Jack says you should respond when someone is talking to you.

Clearly it's not your place to discipline someone else's child.  It's not those sans kids, it's those with no manners.

Thank.you.very.much.  Anyone agree/disagree?

Cheers!


PG update (please move on if this Pg update is a sensitive topic)...
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I can't believe I'm saying this, but today actually puts me mid-way through my second trimester (??!!).  How did we get so blessed?  From Dr Google, at this point, baby would have a 75-90% survival rate (with medical intervention obviously).

What a difference a year makes.  Last year at this time, we were on IUI#2 and we were devastated that it was cancelled. We were then off to a fabulous trip to the Caribbean where we drank and ate our troubles away..

xo

IF news

Did you see the Sunday night Dateline on the couple who carried another couples baby to term after an IF clinic placed the wrong embryo in the woman in MI (!!) and it took?  The RE clinic said it was due to 'human error' which of course is very scary but I can see how it can happen.  At our clinic, the nurse AND the RE has you approve the name on the vile of sperm before it's inserted in the cathedar (and cathedar into you). But you're taking a huge leap of faith that the vile has the correct sperm in it.

If you didn't see it, you can view it HERE.  Pretty interesting and such a blessing that the couple that received the wrong embryo carried the baby to term.

Cheers!

Being pregnant while having IF friends

****If Infertility is a sensitive subject or you are dealing with sensitive IF issues, please feel free to skip this post as this discusses IF & pregnancy. Thank you for reading and Happy NY - this is a start to a new year *****

** 

Being IF for just under 4 years means I obviously still have IF friends.  Bloggers, Facebook, Real life, etc.  I'm sure it's super tough for them to see me, talk to me, etc and it's totally understandable.  I've been there.  I've been the one skipping showers, dismissing emails/texts/calls, hiding them on Facebook because I couldn't bear to hear about pregnancy, baby bellies, etc.  It's just heartbreaking.  My heart truly breaks for everyone suffering from IF.  It really is an unspoken disease and I hope by blogging, I have helped even one person <3

The reason for this post is being in this situation, I have no idea what to do.  How would I have wanted my 'IF graduated' friends to act?  Do?  And thinking back, nothing.  Stop emailing me, stop texting/calling and just go about your life until that baby belly is gone and you have a healthy baby.  Somehow, for me, the sting was less when the baby arrived.

The problem with that, is that is just not me.  I'm not one to ignore my IF friends just because I'm pregnant.  I understand they have no desire to hear about my pregnancy and I respect that.
Some people say when you're formerly overweight, you're still the 'fat person' inside (meaning no disrespect), well I'm still the IF girl inside.

I know I just have to realize that life changes and there will be some people that just can't bear to see me/us.  And I totally get it.  I just have a hard time with letting go I guess..These people have gotten me through rough times and I am not one to forget about them.

For now, I must respect their (silent) wishes and let them be, hoping that someday we will reconnect and praying that they will too will experience this gift.  Have faith.

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xo
Cheers

Merry Christmas - My guide to IF

Merry (belated) Christmas! I'm a tad behind in posting.

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The Holidays.

There are a couple ways I coped with being infertile over the holidays. I realize I am not an expert but these are things that helped me the past 4 years (long time to some, not even close to a long time to others).

Drink Lots Sparingly.  No joke.  But there definitely is a point where I'd pass the "happy" relaxed - nothing bothers me - me and become emotional, sad and cry on the car ride home.

Workout.  If you know me, it's no secret I love to run. Love love love it.  It helped clear my mind.  The feeling of the ground beneath my feet, the early morning runs when everyone else is asleep.  Pure bliss.

Yoga. Yes, another form of a workout, but I think of it also as a mind clearer as there's a 'zen' about Yoga.  If you find the right instructor, it leaves you feeling soo great.  Even when I went into class having a terrible "poor me" day, I'd come out feeling refreshed..well all but one time. You know the time where I wanted to run out screaming.

I felt like this a lot of the time, despite the happy front I thought I put on

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Research. Blogs/articles helped me. There's a huge infertile community out there and knowing you're not alone is the best.  To quote one article on surviving IF over the holidays:

1.  Say no to parties. Really. Do.It.
2.  Prepare an answer to the dreaded "still no luck" questions.
3.  Call on your support system. ---> Friends! Family! I have a few people I could complain to and it felt so great to just talk frankly.
4.  Look for the positives ---> I don't like this one.  It makes me think everything is unicorns and rainbows when we know it's a front.  Yes, you can be sad.
5.  Give Yourself A Break ---> My favorite.  Take a break, let yourself feel sad.  Then get over it and move on.

Speaking of blogs.  Head on over to this blog and take a read of

Just a few of my favorites:

"You’re so lucky.  You don’t know how hard it is to [fill in inappropriate comment like “change diapers,” “never sleep,” “buy clothes all the time,” here].  (You’re right.  I don’t know.  Thanks for that loving reminder.)"

"Maybe you’re just not supposed to have kids… (Hello?  Was there a secret early morning “Qualifying Mom Exam” that I did not know about?  I hate it when I oversleep!)"

"So-and-so tried for 10 years to get pregnant.  Finally, when she gave up, it happened.  (That’s great for so-and-so.  What does her body have to do with mine, anyway?  Oh.  She has the secret sauce ingredient to “getting” pregnant, does she?  Hmm…she does have a lot of cute new purses.  I haven’t tried buying purses yet….maybe I should try that?  Any excuse to shop!)"

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Cheers! Be happy and enjoy, 2013 is right around the corner. 

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Facelift and Fear

I did a quick update to the background of the blog. The pink was getting to me :-)

Lets talk Fear.

Infertility Fear.  It's never going to happen.  Despite every test, every shot/pill, every RE appointment, it's not going to happen.  Then what?

Pregnancy Fear.  For some..most...probably just some, fear is a part of us every.stinkin'.day.  It.never.goes.away.  My sister said some time ago (oh wise one) that you first fear seeing the initial HB, then it's the 12 week mark, then the 20 week anatomical scan, then the "viable" point in a pregnancy (is it 28 weeks? but that does not ensure quality of life), then birth.  The fear really never goes away.  Back then, I disagreed with her, I believe I said something to the tone of, I just want to hit 12 weeks, now, I 100% agree.  To me, it becomes more so because now you're considered " in the safe zone" and maybe even betting on this actually happening..then if something, God forbid, happens, it's even worse.  I honestly don't know what I would do.  Survive I guess.

People seem to like to share their horrid pregnancy stories of a friends' friend who had issues.  Stillbirths, Scary.  Birth Defects. Scary.  Soo many things can go wrong and for some reason everyone has to tell their horror stories.  Why would you do this I ask myself.  It's depressing to one who already worries about everything from eating Feta to driving (accident!).

So what to do? Take it a day at a time.

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Cheers.

Wordless Wednesday

It's been awhile since I posted a Wordless..

Cutest

Vienna, Austria Christmas market. Must go back.

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Love.

and finally, Thankful.

Cheers!

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Confession

Confession time.

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Every time I hear someone close to us is pg, I feel like our chances of having a healthy, happy baby go down.  So internally I am sad... jealous..no sad.  But never portray this to these people (duh).

It's terrible, I know, my husband agreed it was (again duh).  I'm ashamed to even say it out loud.  But it's the truth and typing it is not really saying it out loud....

It's not that I'm not happy for these people, because every little one is truly a blessing, and I'm still amazed every day I feel little kicks (or punches or any movements!).  I'm more sad, because..well, you just never know.

I don't know why I feel this way, why do we feel what we feel?  It's just one of those things.

All in all, I need to keep hoping, praying that the little one is growing strong and just keep on keepin' on.

Cheers!

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Wordless Thursday

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<3

HoLiDaYs

So I still haven't started a new blog. Basically I'm just lazy I don't have time.. Ok I could make time, it's just not a priority at this point.  So onward we go...

The Holidays.  Most IF's nightmare. It's the questions, the assumptions, the looks (or the looks you think you are getting) from family, friends and acquaintances you see once a year who ask about life, kids.   I saw a blog post somewhere talking about the boring ole' questions you ask when you see old friends:  How's married life (assuming they just got married), How's the job,  How are the kids?  BLAH.  What about something interesting like, Take any fun trips this year?  What are you looking forward to?   Seems corny I know, but the old questions get monotonous when asked 80 times in the span of a holiday week.

This is the first year we are blessed to be celebrating the work of the last four years.  Celebrating life.  I thank my lucky stars and I hope it doesn't end on 12-21-12  and I wouldn't change a thing we have been through..well maybe if I could get back all the moolah we spent.

How is it going you ask...

Can't complain one bit.  I won't say that I haven't worried and googled a ton, but moving along slowly, we have our 20 week anatomical scan in December (can't believe it's almost 20 weeks!).

This is getting real people.  This may be it for us.

But I haven't forgotten about all my IF friends out there who are dreading the holidays.  I soooo have been there and all I can say is drink.lots.

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Kidding.  Maybe.  Go on a fun weekend (or day) trip.  Do something different.  We had planned to go to Arizona for the holidays.  Hiking in Dec? Who knew.

That's it for now.

Happy Thanksgiving my friends and famila!  I have soo much to be thankful for <3

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Cheers!

"Lots of people have tried longer than you"

This was said to me the other day.  And it irritated me.   

Some random thoughts about this statement:

~ Yes, I know this.  Really, I do.  We are lucky. We are fortunate and blessed to be where we are.  I also know this and I do.not.for.a.moment. take it for granted.

~ We worked our a**es off with late nights working to make up for Dr appts, lots-o-money (!?!), traveling, emotional heartache every time it didn't work and every time "I didn't respond" to get where we are.  But all in all, for me, getting pregnant was a crap shoot. It just happened to work after 6 tries. Even tho I didn't have the 'optimal' number of follies and the hubby's count was lower than it had been in 6 tries (funny side note: On the day of the IUI, after the hubs count came back, I think we both were disappointed and RE saw this.  He said, as we always say, it makes more room for the winners.  And who'd of thunk it, he was right.)

~IF is a part of me and I'll never "get over it".  It doesn't define me, but it is a part of my life and always will be.

I can't help my feelings, believe me, I try.  I will worry every minute of every day of this pregnancy until I'm fortunate enough to hold that little one in my arms.  Really, I will, but for you my friend, I will pretend it's all sunshine and unicorns and life is grand because, yes, lots of people have tried longer than us.

Cheers to the weekend!

Doubts

Even tho I'm possibly getting used to saying to a few "we're having a baby" it's not real yet.
Even tho my pants no longer button, it's not real yet.

After going to our friends last weekend, doubts settled in.  My sub conscience said "she's bigger than you". Her ultrasound at 9 weeks shows her uterus in the shape of a perfect circle, mine was in the shape of a  half moon, what if I'm not growing properly or worse yet.. <gulp> carrying around a deceased fetus...

Calling Dr. Google.

And it downward spirals from here.  Miscarriages, Miscarriages, Miscarriages, that's all I saw when I researched my "abnormal" heart shaped uterus.
".....one can have a missed miscarriage at 13 weeks and beyond with an 'abnormal' uterus..."  
"... no bleeding, no cramping.."

What if I had a miscarriage in the last 4 weeks and we're now 'telling certain people' and there really is no baby!? Oh my.  I miss our RE and the nurses there.  Not that our new OB team isn't helpful, they just don't calm my fears when I freak out like this.  And why should they, I turn crazy when my mind starts.  They don't get paid enough for that.

I finally called my NP who graciously let me come in to hear the HB.  I brought her a Halloween treat to thank her, hell I would have paid her to let me come in, it was the least I could do.

Whew.  It's still there.

Relaxxx everyone says.  Easier said than done.
Today was a success.

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Cheers!

PS - Prayers to all the NYers out there, sending our love <3 I can't imagine what they are going through as I complain about my insignificant problems.

Living life as it comes...

We went to a friends party over the weekend and found out that the wife is pregnant.  Just 4 weeks behind us.  The judgy-ness in me asks myself how can she be a mother, she can't even hold down a job.  She complains when her husband works OT because she's home alone too much (hence the NO job factor).  But - even tho I did not my place to judge.  Anyway, after saying congrats, that's so exciting, etc, I asked the all-knowing question "How long had you been trying"?  Her response, it happened on their first month of trying.

Sometimes I just don't get how unfair life is.  I mean come on now, on their first try?    I guess it makes sense, she has no stress in her life, she has a gorgeous house, enough money and a good hubby to take care of her.   Sure, this shouldn't bother me anymore, but it does.

All those people out there that would make such.good.parents are still waiting for their baby, and she is pg.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them (despite my thoughts) as they truly are good people but life is unfair.

She asked me a question.. are you over the 'whole mad thing about IF' or can you laugh about it now.  Umm.  What do I say to this?  I definitely had my "mad at life" moments, but I don't think I was an angry person (right..anyone?), I think the hubs and I were just getting used to living without chitlens.   Life is what you make of it.  We were planning trips for Christmas of 2012 (as I couldn't take one more holiday of sad looks from family that I'm drinking..meaning another year of no baby) and Summer of 2013.  We had floor plans to re-do our kitchen.  I was planning on running 2 marathons in 2013.  We were on our last hope of a little one.    ..So what did I say?  I think the look on my face told the hubs to take over.  He said we always laughed at ourselves, we were living life and taking it as it came.  Some couples breakup over this and for us, it made us closer.  If she got pg, then so be it, we were trying, really trying to make it happen, and if it didn't, well at least we didn't go down without a fight.  Great job honey ;) How did I get so lucky.

Cheers!

Facebook is the devil

Does Facebook irk anyone else?  From the bragging, the 'I have the most friends', 'I have nothing better to do am so important'. Seriously.

I saw this the other day

Really? Really????

So because you have a child you're now going to complain about him/her/them.  I had to dig deep deep DEEP down not to comment on this.  I know that if I did, I'd be the bitch because they have no idea what it's like to be IF.  To hate these posts.   I would have loved to say so many many things.. but I didn't.

How do they not realize what a gift a child is. Oh wait, the person that posted this gets pg when he sneezes on her.

I get it.

Cheers!

Are we "those" people

The hubby and I were talking the other day about TTC, announcing pg, babies, etc.  The subject of IF came up (of course) and the fact that the few times every time I say I'm pg I have to say "but it took awhile" or "after a long journey" to justify the fact that we 'deserve' this pregnancy.   Will I always feel like this?

Who am I to 'deserve' a pregnancy.  Just because we've been through a lot - which compared to a lot of people - is nothing.  So many people have had multiple losses, IUI/IVF failures, surgeries etc.

I've had multiple friends comment that after waiting for so long, everything is going to be just fine, no worries.  Really? I just don't believe that.  I don't believe we 'deserve' this after 4 years.  I think people go through a boatload more and deserve a better shot.

Ya know?  Am I wrong in thinking this?  I think of friends who have battled cancer once..twice..and deserve more than the cards they've been given.

Sure I pray..hope..pray that all continues to go well, but I don't believe we 'deserve' this after 'all we've been through'.  I think we've been given a gift and I will not take it for granted.

Cheers!

Wordless

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hee hee

Cheers!

Blessed

12 weeks.  Yep, we've (I hate when girls say "we're pg" like really, a guy is pg) I've made it 12 weeks. Our 12 week appt has come and gone, HB 158. Lower than the first HB at 7.5 weeks, but still good per the Dr. (notice I said Dr not RE because <sob sob> we've graduated from our RE!!!!!)

For most IFs, graduating from your RE is soo exciting, yet scary.  No more nurses, REs that hold your hand, talk to you multiple times a day, comfort you in times of fear, doubt.  Now we are at the normal clinic where they look at you with crazy eyes if you ask if you can take Tylenol or get the flu shot.  Not to say that the clinic cares less, I just think they see sooo many babies that they sometimes forget what a miracle it is for some people (yes having a baby is truly a miracle, but I mean specifically getting pg).  After 4 years, finally, we may have said child!

Even tho I have one pair of pants that fit I still can't believe it. Still not real.  Dr said technically you're not "safe" until 15 weeks (which is contrary to what I've read everywhere) so have a few weeks to go, but so far so good.  And we truly feel.so.blessed. So blessed that after 4 years it could be really happening!!??

So my friends, decisions decisions.  What to do about this here blog....any techy's out there? How do I make this blog private? I tried to limit it to "Only these readers" but I'm not sure how to list people.... Help!?

For now, I'm still keeping it open till I figure out what to do.

It's a happy day people.  I know this is hard to read for some of you, so again, my apologizes.

Cheers.

Funday Monday

Yep I have been MIA recently because I have no updates..nothing to say really.. still nervous for that 12 week appt, still hoping all is well in there.  I hit 12 weeks soon (!!) and I still cannot believe it. Can't believe it because I don't see it yet. Sure I feel a little fuller, a little rounder, but I thought I'd really be showing a little more by now.  So again, hoping all is well in there.  Like my sisters..my hubby..my mom tells me, you have no reason to think it's not, right?

I've said it before, but I often wonder what a non-IF feels like these first critical weeks.   Excited (vs. nervous every moment of every day)?  Anxious to tell everyone (vs. dread that you will have to go back and re-tell everyone the big M word)?  Excited to read the baby books (vs. nervous to read beyond this week..just in case).   Excitedly buys a few things just because it's fun (vs. no way Jose..don't want to see any baby things..in case).  Well I could go on and on.

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In other news, did anyone watch the Emmy's (a few weeks ago)? See Giuliana hosting?  It's so awesome that after all her and Bill went through they finally have a little one.  What bugged my IF self is the little comments she made throughout the E! hosting.  I know, I know, I'm being touchy she's excited about being a mom, blahh blah, but doesn't she remember what it's like to hear all about babies when your IF?

Rant over.

So that's where I stand.  Not much for news!

Cheers!

I know it's Monday but...