Doubts

After almost 4 years of infertility I still feel like a poser when I say "I'm Pregnant" (well the few times I've said it out loud).   I usually deflect by saying well it's still early so I just hope it sticks or well I hope to make it to the magical 12 week mark.  The hubby hates when I do this.

I just still can't believe it.  I feel like we've been trying for so long that I just feel like this gift is going to be taken away from me.  I can't imagine people who have suffered from IF for longer or who have suffered greater losses, I truly am sorry as it must be heartbreaking. 

I was thinking of things that would have been different had we conceived right away.  I probably would have told everyone right away.  I probably wouldn't feel dread every morning *hoping* this isn't the day I have a miscarriage. I probably wouldn't analyze every single stinkin' cramp, twinge, etc and run to the bathroom praying for no blood (sorry TMI).  I most likely wouldn't have asked a co-worker (in front of a group) if his 3 month old twins were natural or assisted (my filter took a vacation at that moment..I later apologized to him and thankfully he was cool about it).   I don't think I would be this nervous.  I don't think I would have to make myself relaxxx this much.  I would enjoy these early on weeks.

It's a tough road, a road I honestly thought I would never be on. But for today, I am greatly thankful for what I have been given.  Today is a gift.

Cheers to the weekend!