Blood Test #1

I went in for my first hCG level blood test. Results: 603.

The feedback from my RE, you're pregnant, congrats!

Per Baby Med:
HCG stands for "Human Chorionic Gonadotropin", the pregnancy hormone which is produced by the placenta and enters the blood soon after implantation and is detected with pregnancy tests.  HCG is being produced by the placenta and enters the blood stream as soon as implantation happens, about one week after fertilization and ovulation, when the embryo implants and the placenta attaches to the uterine lining.

• hCG under 5 mIU/ml:   Negative. Not pregnant
• hCG between 5-25 mIU/ml:"Equivocal". Maybe pregnant maybe not. Repeat test in a couple of days
• hCG over 25 mIU/ml:You are pregnant!

The nurse said my level was high (they are hoping for 50), however higher is better, so no worries. Whew!

How do I feel? Nervous, anxious, waiting for Blood test #2 to make sure my levels are going up. If not, that could indicate a future miscarriage.

Probably like most IFs, I still don't believe it. I think until I see that ultrasound (and maybe not even till I have a healthy child in my arms) I won't believe it.

I feel like I have this little secret and I can't tell anyone.  I am very nervous to tell anyone. Nervous I'll have to go back and say, nope no baby again as we had a miscarriage.

But for now I'll celebrate the little victories...

My name is Nicole and I'm pregnant! (I feel like I'm at an AA meeting introducing myself as who am I??).

Cheers!  I try to remember this each day when I wake up

Every beginning is anothers end

I'm so terribly sad the Olympics are over..  My fav moments (gymnastics of course):

Gabby winning the Gold

The Fab Five winning Gold

And my absolute fav, Ali, the underdog, winning the Gold for Floor

I was so sad to see Jordan miss out, but turns out she had a stress fracture that could have affected her competing. Plus she did get a team gold, booyah!

How amazing is Oscar from South Africa 

An end of a glorious 2 weeks. 

**

A *hopeful* beginning..

I have taken 10 HPTs (home pregnancy tests) after IUI#6 because I'm so terrified this will go away like last time. But for now...I can't believe I'm saying this.. BFP! Multiple (all 10) actually. The 2nd line in this picture looks light, must be the lighting and my cheap camera.  The hubby teased that we should buy stock in EPT because I just bought 2 more packages yesterday.  Is it silly that I have wasted so many tests.. maybe.. but I just feel better about my day.  

I have blood tests to confirm coming up.  Stay tuned and please please send baby dust our way.  After 4 years of heartache, emotion, and 6 IUI's, I finally have a BFP that has stuck around! I know we have a loooong way to go, but baby steps my friends. We're not there yet.

Cheers!

Friends with kids part 2..3.. idk

Last weekend I had a 1 yr birthday party for my Godson. He's a little cutie, definitely a healthy boy.  I've mentioned before that all of my high school friends have babies (and a few had them at the party) but funny enough (even after the stories I have for you :P) I didn't have one once of sadness for me.  The day was not about me. More like I hope it happens, but if not, well, I'm meant for other things.

Funny tidbit #1 -
I'm hanging by the grill w/my friend talking about life, etc. as we have a cocktail.  She's probably my closest highschool friend. The one who called and told me she was pg first, even tho she knew I would have a hard time with it.  She's up front, honest and over my IF years, this has made us closer.  So she's talking about the bday boy and how amazing he is (and I agreed).  Then she said, I felt bad for you all these years, but now having him, knowing how much I love him, I feel even worse for you. OUCH.  I smiled and said, well if it's meant to be then so be it.

Funny tidbit #2 -
Another longtime friend (we've been friends since we were 5) gave me a ride home.  She has a 10 week old little boy.  So we're on our way out and she asks when I'm leaving for home (party was in MI). I mentioned I had to work Sun, so leaving early Sun AM.  She responds, I used to be a workaholic too, but now I have other priorities. OUCH.  I said something like ya, well, all I have is work (jokingly of course).

Funny enough, these comments just made me laugh at how silly people are.  I think my situation just makes people uncomfortable.  Like they don't know what to say.  And I get it, it's like when someone has cancer, what do you say, you're strong, you'll beat this.. blah.  I think I have learned all you can say is sorry to hear that and I'm here for you.  

The 2nd friend I think was just trying to justify herself going back to work part time (she truly was a workaholic and worked 80 hr weeks). No need to justify to me, to each their own.

At the end of the day, we are in charge of our emotions, and today, I kept them in check. yippee.

source

CHEERS TO THE WEEKEND.  I'm not sure if I've ever looked forward to the weekend as much as this. I.need.a.break. Get out there and have a great one <3

Wordless

Here's to Hope.  Hope for someday that dream will come true, whatever it may be <3

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Cheers!

T-a few days until D-Day

*The elephant in the room* how am I feeling after IUI#6 ??

My yoga teacher read something the other day that really struck a cord for me "Fear.  Let yourself be vulnerable to fear. So many times we hide because we're afraid to be vulnerable."

I am terrified this IUI didn't take.  Terrified of what comes next.  Terrified that Dr L will say IVF is our only option and we have to make the decision.  Terrified of being done trying.

The first week after the IUI I was super tired. Like wake up after a full night of sleep still tired.  I thought, maybe just maybe, there's a little something happening in there making me tired.  But now I'm not so sure.

I'm not trying to be negative, I just don't think it worked.  And I'm terrified of what's next.

Happy birthday to me.  It's my 4th birthday of TTC and we're still not any closer.
Cheers.

IF friends

It's been a long time since I've talked to any IF friends.  Mostly because they've all left the IF club and have kids.  From all of these 'friends' I have one, yes ONE, that is still sympathetic to IF. ONE who actually remembers what it's like. She is in her late 30s and has two little adorable - quite a handful - little boys.

The others are all 'the baby this' and 'the baby that' and every friggen post on FB is about the baby and how great it is to be a mom..you don't really live until you get that feeling of being a mom. BLAH.  This is when I.hate.facebook.

Last weekend I caught up with a fellow IF friend. It was soo nice to be able to chat and actually air our dirty laundry about all this over many many drinks.  Blogging is therapy, but talking to a fellow IF is priceless.

As much as the hubby and I have open communication about this, talking to a fellow IF is different.  I love my hubby to pieces but it's hard for him to understand sometimes, despite his best efforts.  And it's easier to hide feelings because it makes him sad that I'm sad.

This couple has gone thru soooo much heartache and I pray their next step works out for them <3  This is probably the first time I literally want it to happen for them rather than us.  Thinking about all we've gone thru feels like a drop in the bucket to their journey.

Sending prayers out in the universe for them and for us. Because, yes, I'm saying it, WE DESERVE GOODNESS.  And I refuse to settle for less.

Cheers to my last weekend in my "early thirties" <gulp>!

...and sadly when I think of my birthday, I think tick-tock my time is running out.

Wordless Wednesday

I thought I needed something to lighten the mood here, since I feel I've gone all dark and sad on ya

hee hee
Cheers!