Hello and Welcome!

Hello and Welcome! We are just another couple struggling with infertility but having fun and trying to enjoy the journey.

Friday, August 31, 2012

Onward we shall go


I really don't have much IF-wise to report.  I feel like this is the longest 2WW ever.  Still pregnant (to my surprise) and still waiting/hoping/praying that all is cooking well in there.  I really feel no strong symptoms yet (other than tender b00bs) so I'm waiting either to wake up and have it all be over, or that at our next Dr appt they will say, nope no pregnancy.  Or worse yet, no heartbeat.

I watched an episode of 19 kids and counting last night. If you've never caught it, it's a reality show about a very large, faith driven, family in Arkansas.   Of course I caught the one where Michelle is pg with her 20th child and they go in for a routine ultrasound (at 20 weeks) and there is no heartbeat. I cried.  I prepared myself for this possibly happening to us.

I was talking to a friend recently.  She made a comment that really stuck.  This is the part where faith and hope come in.  Your faith (whatever it may be) will keep you strong.  She's right, so why am I worried and why can't I focus on the 'now' and be happy with where I'm at?

I do feel very blessed that we have gotten this far.   Each and every day is a waiting game.  Waiting and hoping all goes well and I'm not thrown back on the IF train.

As our friends say, please storm the heavens with prayers for our appointment next week!


Thursday, August 30, 2012

Amazing TTC stories

Did you see the story on the Today show of the Illinois grandmother (50) who carried her own grandchild to term? News is she is having a C-section today.  Craziness, how is this even possible.  The daughter had cervical cancer and couldn't carry a child. Dr's were able to save her ovaries, thus her eggs and with IVF, implanted an embryo into her mother.

It's amazing what doctors can do these days.  Heck, Celine Dion carried twins to term at age 42. Now that was after quite a few IVF attempts but still.

You hear stories these amazing stories all the time.. my aunt actually had a natural and healthy pregnancy at 42 (I think...Mom is that right?)

Happiness for Giuliana and Bill who delivered a child via gestational surrogate!  How exciting for them. If you haven't been following their story, Giuliana is an E! news correspondent and via their reality show we watched them struggle with IF, miscarriages and breast cancer.

Shows that we are ageless! If you have the money that is :D


Wednesday, August 29, 2012

A Few Wordless Thoughts for the Week


St Lucia 2012. So fun. So Gorgeous.

Lake Retba, Senegal. Literally pink from a certain type of algae in the water.

Big Sur Coast in Cali. We're headed here in a few weeks..


Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Like water off a ducks back

I shouldn't let it get to me but these conversations always bother me.  Can any other IFs relate??

The hubby was talking to a seriously religious friend (not that there's anything wrong with religion, I am a full believer) about TTC.  He and his wife have a 2 1/2 year old and apparently had been TTC "for a long time" for #2 (she's 15 weeks pg now).  The hubby assumed they tried for #2 right after #1.  Nope their "for a long time" was 5 stinkin' months.  Really??? Really?? Your telling us that 5 months is "a long time"? WTH.  

Background: when I say they are seriously religious I mean it.  He has 4 brothers and 20 nieces/nephews..so far (aka they don't believe in birth control).   When we first mentioned we were having problems (um 3 years ago) he asked if we had tried the natural family planning method (meaning timed sex). Really? Nope, I thought I might be the Virgin Mary reincarnated (I mean no offense here, just a joke).

I know he wasn't trying to be mean or cruel, it just didn't occur to him who he was talking to when he made this statement.  It didn't occur to him that while his wife was pg (finally, ha) we had been trying for 44 months.  Yep, multiply that "long time" of 5 months by 9.  ARG.  It's so frustrating sometimes.

I know, let it roll off, what's the big deal?  It's a big deal to me.  People just don't understand that it's hurtful sometimes.

Yep, it's "one of those days".


Friday, August 24, 2012


After almost 4 years of infertility I still feel like a poser when I say "I'm Pregnant" (well the few times I've said it out loud).   I usually deflect by saying well it's still early so I just hope it sticks or well I hope to make it to the magical 12 week mark.  The hubby hates when I do this.

I just still can't believe it.  I feel like we've been trying for so long that I just feel like this gift is going to be taken away from me.  I can't imagine people who have suffered from IF for longer or who have suffered greater losses, I truly am sorry as it must be heartbreaking. 

I was thinking of things that would have been different had we conceived right away.  I probably would have told everyone right away.  I probably wouldn't feel dread every morning *hoping* this isn't the day I have a miscarriage. I probably wouldn't analyze every single stinkin' cramp, twinge, etc and run to the bathroom praying for no blood (sorry TMI).  I most likely wouldn't have asked a co-worker (in front of a group) if his 3 month old twins were natural or assisted (my filter took a vacation at that moment..I later apologized to him and thankfully he was cool about it).   I don't think I would be this nervous.  I don't think I would have to make myself relaxxx this much.  I would enjoy these early on weeks.

It's a tough road, a road I honestly thought I would never be on. But for today, I am greatly thankful for what I have been given.  Today is a gift.

Cheers to the weekend!

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Traveling with a secret

This week I'm traveling for work.  I'm very fortunate to work from home, however from time to time I get to go out into the real world by traveling to my company's home base.  This week I get to get out, dress up like a normal person and see my co-workers.  While this usually is fun and something I enjoy, this time with my secret, I dreaded it.

The plane ride:  Wasn't sure how this was going to go.  Security!? Nausea?! Turned out just fine.  Our small hub of an airport offered a pat down vs. the normal x-ray screening (which apparently is not an x-ray anymore, but to be safe, I opted out).  Even tho I'm still quite newly pg I wasn't sure if the plane ride was going to bring on some bouts of nausea.  Luckily, nope.  Only con was having to pee on every plane. Normally I hold out but this time I just couldn't!  Lastly, lifting my heavy as all heck suitcase.  Normally I'm a champ and can lift it with no problem.  This time I didn't want to chance it, so I was that girl. Yep, I asked two nice gentlemen to help.  On the way home, I'm definitely checking my rollaway as I'm a nervous nelly it's just too hard with my laptop backpack which is big and bulky.

Co-Workers: No one knows obviously as I'm still to early to tell and there's no need right now to put my boss in a panic, dreading the thought of having to fill in for me for 12 weeks.  Normally having to hide it isn't hard as I don't have a night life here, but this time (of course) a co-worker organized a happy hour for me.  Tonight. At my favorite sushi place here.  Fainting sickness won't work, so I'm pulling the "I'm on antibiotics" old trick and can't drink. As for sushi, I will try to get out of eating, or eat some appetizers.  I'm also hoping noone notices I take bathroom breaks just about every 1/2 hour.

Meds:  This is tricky.  With the progesterone, I have to take it every 12 hours and lie down for 15-30 minutes after taking it as it's supposed to help it absorb.  Definitely puts a wrench in working long nights and getting up to workout in the morning.  This morning (TMI - it's ingested down there) the pill was dislodged and I had to take another one and ended up being almost late for work because I had to lie down longer.  But, I made it work.

Meals: With really trying to eat healthy and well rounded meals this is tough as I eat out 100% of the time.  I am missing my green juices and trying to eat more salads, even tho they are definitely missing some key vegetables I normally eat.  Timing is also tough.  I have snacks, but forcing myself to take a break and leave work early to eat is tough.  Case in point: I left work last night at 6 and didn't end up eating until 8. I wanted to gnaw off my hand I was so hungry.   Today I'm going to head to Trader Joe's in hopes of hitting up their hot bar and getting some good, organic greens in.

At the end of the day, it's more challenging but being healthy and as safe as possible is my number one priority and work comes second right now.  I guess my priorities really have changed, lol, if you have read this post. 


Sunday, August 19, 2012

To Tell or Not to Tell

Similar to coming out of the IF closet, it's really tough to decide whether to tell family/close friends that your pg before the dreaded "safe" zone of 12 weeks has passed.

To Tell or Not to Tell....

When we first started TTC, I always said I'd for sure want to wait the 12 weeks to tell ANYONE.  The hubby quickly reminded me of this last week when we told our families.

Because I have a blog, my life is pretty much an open book to my friends here :P   I also have a very close knit family.  They know all about our struggles (not at the beginning but they do now), the dr visits, IUIs, the last IUI so they were all anxiously awaiting the results.  So after we received the results of BT #1, we did spill the beans to close family (meaning immediate family only).  However NO announcement on social medias (i.e. Facebook), NO screaming it from the rooftops...even tho that's what I wanted to do.

The pros of telling are obvious, excitement! It's real (kinda)!  Support.  I find myself going to my sister (who has a 1 yr old cutie) for everything piddly (should I eat this Feta? Is this feeling 'normal'?). I find myself wondering how she went through this 2 years ago.  Luckily she had friends that have babies.  I wish I could have supported her..

The cons: if something happens you have to tell everyone the bad news.  But on the flip side, I wanted that support if, God Forbid, something were to happen.

So we decided to tell our close circle.  A decision I haven't regretted for a moment. They have reminded me to take in the positives, celebrate the little victories and (try to) enjoy these moments being pregnant.  And not.to.stress as the hard part is over. Now we just have to wait.




PS to all my IF friends, don't worry, this will NOT become a pg blog.  I wouldn't do that to my fellow IFs.  IF all goes well through week 12 I will most likely start another blog  <3

Thursday, August 16, 2012


Blood draw #2: 2272 (up from 603 a few days ago). Yippee!

Let me preface this with a story (why me, always?).  I get to the lab bright and early.  I'm the first patient.  I am called in fairly quickly by a chatty nurse.  We talk about the weekend, her kids and her vacation up north.  All goes well with the blood draw and I ask about HcG levels.  She said, as I expected, they should have doubled from your first draw.  Technically, per my RE, while everyone is different, early on levels should double every 48 to 72 hours.   She then goes into her story about her first miscarriage and how her HcG had almost doubled so they took it a third time and it went down and she eventually had a miscarriage.  Why oh why would you tell me this when I'm obviously already nervous??


Despite my nervousness, I got my results 4 (!!??) long hours later.  RE's response, levels look great, still elevated with what we'd expect this early on, but that's good!


I am relieved.  *Maybe* Excited. Feel like I can breathe and try to relax until the ultrasound in a few weeks.  A friend said to relax and enjoy the pregnancy.  I am *trying* but it's definitely harder than I thought!

I feel so blessed, I can't explain it.  I know we still have a long 8 weeks to go until it's technically "safe" but it's a step. A good step forward.



Disclaimer: I am not a medical doctor, these are my own experiences.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Onward we go

Since the first BFP, I've been taking it easy.  Doggoneit we've sure waited and hoped and worked for this for so long so I'm sure not going to take it for granted and press my body too hard.

Exercise:  Basically all I've been doing is walking (2-4 miles a day) or bike riding and lifting light weights, mostly my fav Fit Sugar videos.  I really want to go back to Yoga, but I'm terrified to push my body.  I haven't ran in 2 weeks and I don't see picking it back up, except maybe adding a few minutes of running into my walks IF I feel ok.

Food/Drinks: Obviously no alcohol. Trying to drink lots and lots of water. Still drinking coffee, however I limit it to 1 cup a day (most Dr's say 200 mgs of caffeine is okay).  No espresso (this.is.so.hard.). Trying to eat more veggies, fruits and limit any processed foods.  I have been either eating a big ole' salad a day or drinking a green juice every day.

Vitamins/Supplements/Meds:  My RE put me on Prometrium, a form of progesterone.   Per my RE (and google of course), Prometrium is taken as a supplement to prevent miscarriage.  My RE said basically it helps the placenta form.   He said they usually prescribe it the day of the IUI until pregnancy is confirmed (wish I would have been told this earlier!), so I am starting it late, but better late than never.  I will be on this until week 11 (*hopefully* if all goes well).
I take fish oil 2x/day and also a prenatal vitamin of course.

Will any of this help? Probably not, I've seen many preggers get pg while drinking into the first trimester, eating McD's every day and partying till all hrs in the night.  Does it make me feel better? Absolutely.

As it's still super early, I feel slight body changes but nothing major.  Normal boob tenderness, slight twinges, lower back uncomfortableness. All of which my RE said is normal and to be expected.

So, onward we shall go.   For IFs reading, I know this is probably hard to read/follow and I hate knowing that I am causing you pain.  I 100% have been there and understand <3

As of now, I am thankful for what I have been given.


Disclaimer: These are my experiences, I am not a medical doctor nor do I give advice.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Blood Test #1

I went in for my first hCG level blood test. Results: 603.

The feedback from my RE, you're pregnant, congrats!

Per Baby Med:
HCG stands for "Human Chorionic Gonadotropin", the pregnancy hormone which is produced by the placenta and enters the blood soon after implantation and is detected with pregnancy tests.  HCG is being produced by the placenta and enters the blood stream as soon as implantation happens, about one week after fertilization and ovulation, when the embryo implants and the placenta attaches to the uterine lining.

  • hCG under 5 mIU/ml:   Negative. Not pregnant
  • hCG between 5-25 mIU/ml:"Equivocal". Maybe pregnant maybe not. Repeat test in a couple of days
  • hCG over 25 mIU/ml:You are pregnant!

The nurse said my level was high (they are hoping for 50), however higher is better, so no worries. Whew!

How do I feel? Nervous, anxious, waiting for Blood test #2 to make sure my levels are going up. If not, that could indicate a future miscarriage.

Probably like most IFs, I still don't believe it. I think until I see that ultrasound (and maybe not even till I have a healthy child in my arms) I won't believe it.

I feel like I have this little secret and I can't tell anyone.  I am very nervous to tell anyone. Nervous I'll have to go back and say, nope no baby again as we had a miscarriage.

But for now I'll celebrate the little victories...

My name is Nicole and I'm pregnant! (I feel like I'm at an AA meeting introducing myself as who am I??).

Cheers!  I try to remember this each day when I wake up

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Every beginning is anothers end

I'm so terribly sad the Olympics are over..  My fav moments (gymnastics of course):

Gabby winning the Gold

The Fab Five winning Gold

And my absolute fav, Ali, the underdog, winning the Gold for Floor

I was so sad to see Jordan miss out, but turns out she had a stress fracture that could have affected her competing. Plus she did get a team gold, booyah!

How amazing is Oscar from South Africa 

An end of a glorious 2 weeks. 


A *hopeful* beginning..

I have taken 10 HPTs (home pregnancy tests) after IUI#6 because I'm so terrified this will go away like last time. But for now...I can't believe I'm saying this.. BFP! Multiple (all 10) actually. The 2nd line in this picture looks light, must be the lighting and my cheap camera.  The hubby teased that we should buy stock in EPT because I just bought 2 more packages yesterday.  Is it silly that I have wasted so many tests.. maybe.. but I just feel better about my day.  

I have blood tests to confirm coming up.  Stay tuned and please please send baby dust our way.  After 4 years of heartache, emotion, and 6 IUI's, I finally have a BFP that has stuck around! I know we have a loooong way to go, but baby steps my friends. We're not there yet.


Friday, August 10, 2012

Friends with kids part 2..3.. idk

Last weekend I had a 1 yr birthday party for my Godson. He's a little cutie, definitely a healthy boy.  I've mentioned before that all of my high school friends have babies (and a few had them at the party) but funny enough (even after the stories I have for you :P) I didn't have one once of sadness for me.  The day was not about me. More like I hope it happens, but if not, well, I'm meant for other things.

Funny tidbit #1 -
I'm hanging by the grill w/my friend talking about life, etc. as we have a cocktail.  She's probably my closest highschool friend. The one who called and told me she was pg first, even tho she knew I would have a hard time with it.  She's up front, honest and over my IF years, this has made us closer.  So she's talking about the bday boy and how amazing he is (and I agreed).  Then she said, I felt bad for you all these years, but now having him, knowing how much I love him, I feel even worse for you. OUCH.  I smiled and said, well if it's meant to be then so be it.

Funny tidbit #2 -
Another longtime friend (we've been friends since we were 5) gave me a ride home.  She has a 10 week old little boy.  So we're on our way out and she asks when I'm leaving for home (party was in MI). I mentioned I had to work Sun, so leaving early Sun AM.  She responds, I used to be a workaholic too, but now I have other priorities. OUCH.  I said something like ya, well, all I have is work (jokingly of course).

Funny enough, these comments just made me laugh at how silly people are.  I think my situation just makes people uncomfortable.  Like they don't know what to say.  And I get it, it's like when someone has cancer, what do you say, you're strong, you'll beat this.. blah.  I think I have learned all you can say is sorry to hear that and I'm here for you.  

The 2nd friend I think was just trying to justify herself going back to work part time (she truly was a workaholic and worked 80 hr weeks). No need to justify to me, to each their own.

At the end of the day, we are in charge of our emotions, and today, I kept them in check. yippee.


CHEERS TO THE WEEKEND.  I'm not sure if I've ever looked forward to the weekend as much as this. I.need.a.break. Get out there and have a great one <3

Wednesday, August 8, 2012


Here's to Hope.  Hope for someday that dream will come true, whatever it may be <3



Monday, August 6, 2012

T-a few days until D-Day

*The elephant in the room* how am I feeling after IUI#6 ??

My yoga teacher read something the other day that really struck a cord for me "Fear.  Let yourself be vulnerable to fear. So many times we hide because we're afraid to be vulnerable."

I am terrified this IUI didn't take.  Terrified of what comes next.  Terrified that Dr L will say IVF is our only option and we have to make the decision.  Terrified of being done trying.

The first week after the IUI I was super tired. Like wake up after a full night of sleep still tired.  I thought, maybe just maybe, there's a little something happening in there making me tired.  But now I'm not so sure.

I'm not trying to be negative, I just don't think it worked.  And I'm terrified of what's next.

Happy birthday to me.  It's my 4th birthday of TTC and we're still not any closer.

Friday, August 3, 2012

IF friends

It's been a long time since I've talked to any IF friends.  Mostly because they've all left the IF club and have kids.  From all of these 'friends' I have one, yes ONE, that is still sympathetic to IF. ONE who actually remembers what it's like. She is in her late 30s and has two little adorable - quite a handful - little boys.

The others are all 'the baby this' and 'the baby that' and every friggen post on FB is about the baby and how great it is to be a mom..you don't really live until you get that feeling of being a mom. BLAH.  This is when I.hate.facebook.

Last weekend I caught up with a fellow IF friend. It was soo nice to be able to chat and actually air our dirty laundry about all this over many many drinks.  Blogging is therapy, but talking to a fellow IF is priceless.

As much as the hubby and I have open communication about this, talking to a fellow IF is different.  I love my hubby to pieces but it's hard for him to understand sometimes, despite his best efforts.  And it's easier to hide feelings because it makes him sad that I'm sad.

This couple has gone thru soooo much heartache and I pray their next step works out for them <3  This is probably the first time I literally want it to happen for them rather than us.  Thinking about all we've gone thru feels like a drop in the bucket to their journey.

Sending prayers out in the universe for them and for us. Because, yes, I'm saying it, WE DESERVE GOODNESS.  And I refuse to settle for less.

Cheers to my last weekend in my "early thirties" <gulp>!

...and sadly when I think of my birthday, I think tick-tock my time is running out.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Wordless Wednesday

I thought I needed something to lighten the mood here, since I feel I've gone all dark and sad on ya

hee hee