Every beginning is anothers end

I'm so terribly sad the Olympics are over..  My fav moments (gymnastics of course):

Gabby winning the Gold

The Fab Five winning Gold

And my absolute fav, Ali, the underdog, winning the Gold for Floor

I was so sad to see Jordan miss out, but turns out she had a stress fracture that could have affected her competing. Plus she did get a team gold, booyah!

How amazing is Oscar from South Africa 

An end of a glorious 2 weeks. 

**

A *hopeful* beginning..

I have taken 10 HPTs (home pregnancy tests) after IUI#6 because I'm so terrified this will go away like last time. But for now...I can't believe I'm saying this.. BFP! Multiple (all 10) actually. The 2nd line in this picture looks light, must be the lighting and my cheap camera.  The hubby teased that we should buy stock in EPT because I just bought 2 more packages yesterday.  Is it silly that I have wasted so many tests.. maybe.. but I just feel better about my day.  

I have blood tests to confirm coming up.  Stay tuned and please please send baby dust our way.  After 4 years of heartache, emotion, and 6 IUI's, I finally have a BFP that has stuck around! I know we have a loooong way to go, but baby steps my friends. We're not there yet.

Cheers!

T-a few days until D-Day

*The elephant in the room* how am I feeling after IUI#6 ??

My yoga teacher read something the other day that really struck a cord for me "Fear.  Let yourself be vulnerable to fear. So many times we hide because we're afraid to be vulnerable."

I am terrified this IUI didn't take.  Terrified of what comes next.  Terrified that Dr L will say IVF is our only option and we have to make the decision.  Terrified of being done trying.

The first week after the IUI I was super tired. Like wake up after a full night of sleep still tired.  I thought, maybe just maybe, there's a little something happening in there making me tired.  But now I'm not so sure.

I'm not trying to be negative, I just don't think it worked.  And I'm terrified of what's next.

Happy birthday to me.  It's my 4th birthday of TTC and we're still not any closer.
Cheers.

The Ride Home

So I think I left off with the ride home from IUI#6...

To say I was sad from the day is an ultimate understatement. The whole ride home I think I had tears underneath my sunglasses.  I'm thankful for the sunglasses as the hubby (of course) hates to see me cry.   I know I know, I literally just left the office from the IUI and I'm already planning that it didn't take.  But I am a realist, we have a 1 in 5 chance it will take.

SO much went through my mind.  What if this is it.  What if this is our last shot.  Should we do IVF even tho we've already "decided" against it.  Would he want to try IVF...Would I? We have a short time window, it's now or never.

I felt like I was rolling in a dryer full of ideas.

So I just spit it out. I might want to do IVF. What the whhhhhhat?  IF this is truly our last shot, maybe I do want to try it.  The hubby, so supportive (how lucky am I??), said I'll do whatever you want to do.  But I don't want him to be supportive, I want him to want it too.  And I'm not sure if he does.  The part that makes him (and I) hesitate is the money aspect of it.

So we left it at that.  We'll talk to Dr L and see what he has to offer.

Cheers.  I must try to remember this...

IUI #6: Done!

All went well.  But I don't feel very good about this one.

We arrived at the clinic early.  The hubby did his thing then we went to breakfast relieved, the challenging part was over.  Decided to go back to the clinic early since they had a busy day and they were hoping to get us in early.  Ended up sitting in the waiting room for a 1/2 hr people watching.  The clinic is usually pretty quiet. Today it was like a zoo.

One of the couples coming out of the office was pregnant. With twins.  They carried a Generations CD, ultrasound pics and two little Generations onesies to the front desk.  I became the green eyed monster of envy and sadness. Right there in the lobby, I sat with tears streaming down.  Luckily everyone was congratulating them and reviewing the ultrasounds so no one noticed.

We finally went in and all went smoothly.  Our RE was nice, as always, calm, as always.  And said, as he always does, good luck and hope to see you back in two weeks. Shakes our hands and leaves.  So I "take position" (sitting upside down on the table with the pillow under my booty and my legs up) and the hubby starts playing with the stethoscope.

*Knock knock* before I have time to even put my legs down (still undressed from the waist down btw) our RE comes back in.  He looks where my head should be, then confused sees us looking odd and fumbles his words and says 'of course we're hoping for the best, but *IF* this cycle doesn't work we need to meet and discuss our options.'    Then he promptly leaves.

I don't know why but this just hit me.  I'm not sure if it was seeing the pg girl in the lobby, then having this thrown at me but I became very sad and the waterworks started once again.

So.this.is.it.  This is our last shot.  I'm guessing he's going to suggest IVF as our next best shot since my wonky body just doesn't seem to want to get pregnant.

The ride home was interesting.  More to come...

Cheers.

Breaking Down

Most of the time I'm able to shrug off sad stories/experiences...while it makes my heart ache, I try to think of the positive side of things, I try to think of the glass half full.  Last night, I just couldn't.

I've been *trying* to think positive, have hope about IUI#6.  Really, all has went well so far, so why shouldn't I?  Then the hubby said that his friend (and wife) wished us luck for this round.  He said they wished us luck as they had also done 4 IUIs with no luck.  And.they.have.no.baby.today.  

I am a realist. I know that we only have a 20% chance each time we try another round.  I know the odds are against us. So why did this hit me so hard?  I literally had to force away tears.  The hubby went to bed and I watched tv on the couch as I couldn't shake it off.

This couple is amazing.  They are great people, have an awesome relationship, great jobs, a great house, they literally jet off to Paris for the weekend.  I see us in this couple.  While eventually, I would be okay childless (as if I had a choice) and I do love to travel, this made my heart sad.

I still, 12 hrs later, can't shake this off.  Is it a sign that I need start thinking of us as a childless couple?

Idk what to think.  Today, I am sad. Not very good timing.

Cheers.

PS Happy Birthday T, thank you for always being a constant friend and sista <3

Adversities make you stronger

I remember after the first year of TTC, I did a lot of research.  And by research, I mean I read lots of blogs on people's experiences with IUIs, IVFs, etc.  I of course read  Taking Charge of your Fertility and The Fertility Diet.  I had discussions with friends on TTC and their IUI/IVF journeys.

In all of this, I remember thinking I could never go through the emotional journey of IUI/IVF so many times.  I thought I didn't have time to go to Dr visits each month for CD3, CD10 then the procedure.  I remember thinking, well if it's meant to be, then it will happen naturally. 


Now here we are on IUI#6.  And still no baby... 

I've been trying to think what I've learned from all of this and here's what I came up with:

~You always have time if you want something bad enough.  You can make time. I thought I was sooo busy, I didn't have time for the important things.  Family.

~I need to slow down.  My mom mentioned this to me last week, and it is true. I need to learn to slow down and take a breath.  One thing that really helps me is Yoga. Need.more.Yoga.

(Outside Yoga on the deck in DT GB)

~Infertility can make or break a relationship. Thankfully, for us, it has made ours.  We laugh (most of the time) about our Infertility and my wonky ovaries.  We are still able to smile when we walk in our RE's office (vs. the (rightly so) scowl many people have..tho I feel like this a lot of days..).

~And Finally. You are stronger than you think.

"Adversities make you mad, they make you sad, they literally break you down, but if you fight through them, they make you stronger, sharper and more motivated."
   Lolo Jones, U.S. record holder for the 60-meter hurdles

Cheers!

Drum roll please....

IUI#6


CD10 Ultrasound: 
Follies: 2 - 14 and 17 (both on the right)

Lining: 7.6 (5-7 is optimal)

source  

On CD10, we were supposed to leave the house by 5:30 am to get to Madison on time.  We woke up at 5:22. EEK!  Quick shower, brush teeth, grab coffee and we were out the door by 5:45.  Luckily we had no traffic (think someone was watching over us) and got to our RE 10 min early. Whew.

There's a new RE at Generations who did our CD10 ultrasound and we really liked her.  She's young, easy to talk to.  She specializes in robotic assisted surgery. How cool is that?

She looked at the left side first. She said, the left is taking a siesta, lets try the right. It took me a minute to figure out what she said (as usually there is no joking when this is done... but it was funny and lightened the mood), but then I was nervous as it was all up to righty!  Then she read off the right side and said 'looks great'. (YAY, whew!)

My lining is okay. Yes, it's better than the "optimal" but not as good as IUI#5 where I still didn't get pregnant.

I asked her about the positive pg test last month and she said (like I thought she would) that it actually happens more than you think and they don't prescribe progesteron unless one has multiple miscarriages and positive (pg) blood tests.  So, I guess it was worth the question even tho I knew the answer.  I was *hoping* there was something else I could do...besides wait.

**

IUI day is scheduled for this week (YAYY) and it's a good day.  It's my sisters birthday (YAY!) and it's the feast day of St Anne.    St Anne is the patron saint of all mothers, St Anne was the mother of Mary.

Maybe this is it.  I'm *hoping*... grasping at straws here...but I believe there are signs everywhere and there is a plan for all of us. OK done on the religious front <3

SO I'm hopeful everything goes ok with the IUI and I'm hopeful that it leads to a healthy, happy baby.  Positive thinking.

source

Cheers!

IUI #6

Throughout our journey, I try to think, what have I learned in all of this?  What is the reason for this struggle.  Everything happens for a reason? Nope.

(I know I just posted this, but it's appropriate again).

Nothing worth having isn't worth fighting for.  I truly believe this.

**

Our options for IUI#6 are the following (1) try naturally for next few months (Aug/Sept are uber busy, so the next time we could do another procedure would be Oct)  (2) Follow IUI#5 (same drugs) as we had good results with me and the hubby or (3) be more aggressive with fertility drugs (hybrid (oral and injection) vs. just oral meds) and more monitoring in the hopes of getting more follicles (eggs).

We carefully weighed our options.  July is super busy for me workwise.  We debated waiting until Oct, but we aren't getting any younger and I hate to 'waste' 3 months just because I'm too busy.  This is our top priority at this point in our lives.  So we had to decide between 2 and 3.  In talking to our nurse, she said she would do option 2 as 3 just brings up the costs and really we had 'perfect' results with IUI#5, it just "didn't take" as she put it.  So we chose option 2.

IUI#6 will mirror IUI#5 (hopefully with better results).  Except I don't need an ultrasound on CD3 because the cyst is pretty much gone (yay).   Lets *hope* a new cyst doesn't appear and cancel our cycle.

Cheers to IUI#6!

Heartbreak

So this is what it feels like to see that BFP and 'feel' pregnant.  For.a.day.  Yep, one day I got a BFP, the next day AF arrived.

WTF.

Guess I got my answer on whether to take an early pg test.  Never again because this felt like a kick in the gut.  Literally.

Roll back to the day I got the BFP. I was so excited. I was alone (hubby works 24 hr shifts) so I hid the test until I could 'reveal' it to him.  I went for a slow, leisurely walk/run and thought of the ways we'd tell our parents/family.  I got back and the hubby had just gotten home.  I said something to the effect of not being able to do wine and sushi that night.  He asked why, then I showed him the positive test.  He was floored, actually took it from my hand and examined it (and later he said he took a picture of it but deleted it when AF arrived :(  ).  We were both excited but nervous.  I even, like a novice, took a picture of the positive test with a calendar in the *hopes* that it would lead to a healthy happy baby.

We have never gotten a BFP in our 3.5 yrs of trying.  But, I know better than this. Really, I do.  I see those people who announce it on Facebook only to have to retract it later.  I see those people who have their hearts broken.

This BFP would have been the first step in the looong 9 months of worry.  A lot of pregnancies end in heartbreaking miscarriage.  But I, *trying* to be positive, was really thinking, this is it, our 3.5 yrs of waiting has paid off.

Then BAM like a bomb our dreams were shattered.  And I.am.so.sad.

I can relate to Jack Osborne, when he was quoted as saying "God looked down and said too much good, need bad".  We are so lucky in so many ways, but we struggle with this.

**

On a positive note, we're not done yet. We Won't Go Down Without A Fight.  In talking to a nurse at our RE's office, I most likely had a chemical pregnancy, which is actually a good thing.  The egg met the sperm (Yay!), now we just need it to stick.

So onto IUI#6. oye

source

Cheers.

To Test or not to Test..

I still have days until the 2WW is over.  Agonizing days where I try to go on with my life and not think about it, but really, it's all I think about.  I shouldn't run in the heat, just in case.  I shouldn't have more than one cup of coffee, just in case.  I shouldn't drink my favorite 3:00 beverage, Vodka Diet Coke, just in case (but I do anyway).  Research shows it doesn't matter (for most people) what you do in that 2WW.   Either it has/will happen, or not.

So the question is, do I test early and risk a false negative (and sadness..and stress...and debating when to try IUI#6) or just wait.

Patience is a virtue I do not have.

source

I also hate to waste a $10 test for nothing.  These tests are not cheap! Well, lets be honest, nothing about this process is cheap (for us). So what's $10 more dollars.

I know some people test daily starting 7 DPO (Days past ovulation) up until AF's predicted arrival.  I guess the double line (in certain pregnancy tests) should get darker and darker each day.  While this is great for some people, giving them peace of mind, it's not for me.  I think it would give me false hope.

So do I test early or wait...  What to do....

BTW Today is Friday the 13th. I think I'll skip testing today :D

Cheers to the weekend!

 source

IUI questions

I've had a few people ask about the IUI process, what it is exactly, the odds, the actual procedure, etc. So thought I'd do a post on IUIs.

Per the American Pregnancy Association:

Intrauterine insemination (IUI) is a procedure that involves placing sperm inside a woman’s uterus to facilitate fertilization. This fertility treatment does not involve the manipulation of a woman’s eggs, and therefore is not considered an assisted reproductive technology (ART) procedure.

Basically, sperm from the hubby is washed (to separate the sperm from the seminal fluid and to eliminate the bad or non-motile sperm from the good healthy ones), and placed in a medium in a vile.  A catheter is placed in my uterus and the sperm are pushed in through a syringe.  Hopefully egg(s) (in a normal woman, usually one egg a month is released. With fertility drugs we're hoping for 2 or 3) are released (you never really know through an IUI as on IUI day no ultrasound is performed (and eggs are to small to be seen anyway) and travel down the fallopian tubes where the sperm are anxiously awaiting.

 Hopefully egg and sperm meet, fertilize and embed in the lining.

Odds are not as good as doing IVF:

In Vitro Fertilization is commonly referred to as IVF. IVF is the process of fertilization by manually combining an egg and sperm in a laboratory dish. When the IVF procedure is successful, the process is combined with a procedure known as embryo transfer, which involves physically placing the embryo in the uterus.

Per Generations (Our RE (Reproductive Endrocrinologst)) Odds for an IUI are roughly 20%, IVF 50%.  Though odds vary based up your personal factors and how aggressive the RE is.

Costs: Costs are much lower for an IUI (for us ~$3k a time (including drugs, the ultrasounds and the procedure)) vs. IVF (from $15-20k depending on your clinic).

We chose IUI as nothing is "medically" wrong with us.  $3k a pop is much easier to swallow than $15-20k if it doesn't take.  IVF is typically geared more for those with diagnosed problems or those wanting to be more aggressive.  If we had all the money and time in the world we probably would have went with IVF, but we're realists here. Despite our best efforts, none of these procedures may work.

So there it is in a nutshell. Any questions?


Disclaimer: I am not a medical doctor, this is my knowledge from research, doctor visits and personal experiences.

Cheers!
 

IUI #5

Done.

I'm happy to say everything went perfect. *Almost* too perfect.  However the last 2 (actual IUI's) also went off without a hitch and still no BFP so I'm cautiously optimistic.  That's my phrase for this one.

While in Madison, we decided to take our minds of off things and go to the Farmers Market.

source

It was crazzzy.  I thought we were pretty early and would beat the crowds but no such luck.  It's really a great experience.  Vendors form a square around the Capitol.  We thought it would be better if they closed the streets and opened it up (It was on the sidewalk and really cramped as more and more people arrived).  We both thought it was great to be a part of the Madison experience for the day but something we would only do again if we were super early (like 7 am early). 

The Madison Farmers Market is the largest producer-only Farmers' market in the US.

source

We bought lots of (cheap!) produce..enough for a week of green smoothies, and expensive - but farm raised, grass fed - meats.  But we're more than happy to support the local farmers..especially with the season they have had.

**

So now begins the infamous 2WW (2 week wait).  It's gonna be a loooong two weeks.

Cheers!

And the results are in.....

CD10 Ultrasound (IUI#5):

Lining: 10.5 (WOW did I hear that right? I had to confirm. This is the nicest my lining has ever been. Usually it's 5/6ish)
Follies: 2 mature both on left (18 and 15.5). When these were read I got a "nice!" from my fav nurse K.

Dare I say it...I'm excited, nervous and cautiously optimistic.. I don't want to jinx us, so that's all I'm sayin'.

Enjoy your day. For today, I'm enjoying this little victory

source


Cheers!

Oh Happy Day

<insert me jumping up and down cheering> as I am CYST FREE!  

source


As I'm sure you figured out, the 'miracle' didn't happen for us this past month, so we are onto IUI#5 (sidenote: a baby is truly a miracle, I make fun of myself here from a few posts ago).

So fast forward to this week....I scheduled my baseline ultrasound (A baseline u/s is a check that there isn't anything that looks like it could deter a pregnancy (i.e.cyst!) or any issues that taking hormones would be harmful (again a cyst)).  I left home uber early trying to beat the morning rush but ended up stuck in Madison traffic anyway. Not fun when you're already nervous! So ended up a few minutes late, but luckily the clinic was having a slow day.

I meant to grab my camera to show you all the office, room, etc (for non- IFs) but forgot - of course.

The u/s tech and my fav nurse Nurse K performed my baseline u/s.  First she read my right ovary.  All sounded good until I heard: '15x7 follicle' (and I saw her save a snapshot of that one) which, I know from prior experience, is not good. All else sounded fine on the right as well as the left (from my little knowledge of their lingo). So even tho Nurse K was positive, saying the RE would call, I left feeling uneasy and negative as it didn't sound good.

I drove the looong 2 1/4 hrs home and no call. I called the hubby (who was at work) telling him the - I thought - bad news - that it didn't sound good, sorry, again, my body has failed us.

Then - finnnnnally a few hrs later Nurse K called with great news - we're on track to start meds for IUI#5.  The 15x7 follicle is a hemorrhagic cyst (filled with blood eww) that should pass normally (however painfully) and the hormones will not affect it.

I was so happy I had tears in my eyes.  I know this is just a small step in the process, but it's the first step for us after being benched and I couldn't be happier <3

Cheers!

Next up - 2 appts - one Fri with my normal OB and then next week: CD10 ultrasound (or as I like to call it D-Day - the 'tell all day' that will determine if we will continue with the IUI or not).

Monthly routine

For those who haven't had the luxury of TTC I thought I'd post what a "typical" IUI month looks like.

CD1 (Cycle Day 1) is always a bad day, call the RE to order our monthly meds.  CD1-2 is filled with waiting, moping, a lot of running for me and usually some excitement for the next cycle.

CD3-CD10: I take anywhere from 5-10 pills a day (Depending on the day). From Femara to Estrace and Tamoxifen.  Also vitamins which are not pictured.

CD10: ultrasound either in GB or if it falls on the weekend, in Madison. The RE reads off the number/size of follies and the thickness of the lining.  Hopefully we get some good news and our IUI is scheduled. If not, we're done for the month. Like this month. 

CD11-12: more Estrace (estrogen pills) for a few more days. 

CDxx:  Trigger Shot 36 hours before IUI. The trigger shot arrives via FEDEX in a huge cooled box with ice (as shown below).  The day varies based on how my cycle ran.  It's a SubQ shot but I just can't seem to do it myself. It's not the pain (it's not bad, like a deep pinch) I always feel like I'm going to screw it up.  Since FD is a EMT, he administers (even if he's at work - last time it was in the back of an ambulance. I joked this was my first time in an ambulance (and promptly knocked on wood)).

CDxx: IUI in Madison. Our RE is great, but it's never easy.  You walk into the clinic and see others who are reproductively challenged. We exchange glances and sad looks (some mad looks..I hope we never get there. That's a whole other post).   FD's appt is first and it's always stressful (what if we screw it up, we're done for the month). The rooms for "donation" are nice, but it's still uncomfortable.  The rooms are set back in the clinic but you can still hear noises. Real seksi.

After that is done, we have 1.5 hrs to kill as they prep the sample.  We usually go to breakfast, a looooong tense breakfast.  We hope we don't get a call..meaning the sample is bad.

Next is my appt. We're back at the clinic and in a tiny unlit room.  The sample is brought in, looks amazingly small.. like an ounce of fluid and is pink (the medium to keep the swimmers alive). We sign off that it's the correct sample (oy wouldn't that be bad).   I undress (TMI) and lay on the table.  I will leave it to the experts for what the RE does: 

 A catheter is used to inject the processed sperm directly into the uterus. This process maximizes the number of sperm cells that are placed in the uterus, thus increasing the possibility of conception. The IUI procedure takes little time and involves minimal discomfort. The next step is to watch for signs and symptoms of pregnancy. 

source

I lay on the table (no not legs up) for 15 minutes.  Since FD is with me, we usually make inappropriate jokes. Then we leave and usually do something fun like shop! in Madison, then we're on our way home. 

Then comes the 2WW. 14 days later I take a pg test..no matter if I get AF or not. So far, they have all been negative, which is so depressing each time, but we still have *hope* for that BFP. 

and that's a wrap. 

Hope you have a fantastic Friday, mine will be filled with this

and lots of benedryl. 

Cheers!

PS I'd like to give a shout out to my first "follower!!" You know who you are ;-) xoxo

Adopted Embryos

Happy Monday! Hope you all enjoyed St Paddy's Day!

So we've been talking about options.  Besides IUI, for us, there is IVF, Adoption, Surrogacy and Embryo Adoption.  All Most are out of our price range.  The most affordable for us is Embryo Adoption.  It's expensive (anywhere from $6k-$15k) but it's supposed to be less than IVF (which at our clinic is ($12-20k)) and adoption ($20-50k for a potential (not guaranteed) adoption).  Basically a couple adopts a fertilized embryo (frozen) and it is implanted in the hopes it will take.

There is a process, you don't just go into a clinic, pick the embryo and implant (which I'm embarrassed to say is what I thought). There is an approval process, a home study, similar to Adoption, then the actual transfer (assuming you were approved). This process can take anywhere from 1-2 years.  But it's quoted as shorter than a Domestic/International Adoption and I'm guessing this would be the least emotional (if there is such a thing when TTC. I am by no means minimizing the emotional aspect of any of these options).  Question is: Do you take the risk..Do I want to wait that long? I'm not getting any younger and I don't want to be 60 when my child graduates from highschool.

Any thought/experiences?

Cheers!

Benched

Sunday I went for an ultrasound at Generations in Madison. I love Madison, such a great city with great energy (and a Whole Foods!). Our RE, we like to call him Glenn, appeared with his usual calm demeanor as he read off the following:

Follies: 27 (??), 10, 9 and 12
Lining: 7.9
He followed this reading by saying why don't you get dressed and we'll discuss. Uh oh..that's never a good sign.

Positives: my lining was 7.9 which is fantastic and has increased from IUI#3 (6.2). The Tamoxifen seemed to work it's magic.
Negatives: the follicle measuring at 27 (which is double what you would expect) means a follicle (egg) was leftover from the last cycle.  So all in all we've been benched for 2-3 cycles while this wanky follicle does it's thing and matures and passes.

Bummer.  What a letdown.  Glenn said this happens a lot with injectibles (not what I'm on) but not usually with the Letrozol which is what I'm on.  So we'll wait and see and hope it passes on it's own, then discuss our options.  But he definitely wants me to be monitored more than I have been (meaning a baseline ultrasound on CD3, then possibly 2 more before the IUI). Which is all good, just more $ under the belt.

Life is a journey.
Cheers to a good week!