Hello and Welcome!

Hello and Welcome! We are just another couple struggling with infertility but having fun and trying to enjoy the journey.

Friday, June 29, 2012

Fertility Diet or no?

Like many IF's I've been to umpteen doctors throughout Journey.  From my normal OB, to second opinions, NP's, 2 REs (one a**hole in GB and our current RE who we love) and finally one Holistic Doc.

Disclaimer: I'm not a doctor and not passing judgment, these opinions are based upon my own experience.  I'm not implying any of these drs are not good at what they do (except, uhhm my least fave RE in Green Bay who will remain nameless..but sounds like Mevarino with an "S")

We are currently with an RE in Madison. We love them. I would recommend to anyone. If you would like any info, please leave a comment.

The Holistic Dr was interesting. It was a 2 hr appt (!!) and $400 later (since insurance doesn't cover it) I left with pamphlets and things I could have researched myself and saved the $400.  Was it good? Um, it was ok, it opened my eyes to some things.

1.  Yoga.  At the time I visited this Dr I was teaching 2 classes a week in addition to trying to get my own practice in.  It just wasn't working, teaching class was becoming work.  So she suggested to free up my schedule at nights, I quit teaching.  Last Aug I quit.

2.  Stress. We all know Stress is the killer of all.  Someone once mentioned to me that babies aren't born in times of war because it's stressful, hence, the body does not perform as it should.  Her solution to decrease stress: Chanting (not for me), closing my day with affirmations (does this remind anyone of Sex & the City?), and CDs I should listen to at night before bed.  Um.. this is just not my thing. Really, I de-stress by working out. So I took this advice in stride.

3.  Acupuncture.  Some women swear by this. Me, not so much.  I did it once ($100/session) and even with relaxing music I couldn't relax.  Fast forward 10 months, I still have a nerve twinge in my left leg where one of the pins was.

4. Healthy Body weight & BMI.  This is the number one most important thing she stressed.  Luckily (with a lot of hard work) I am ok here.

5.  Fertility Diet.  I understand this, but I don't abide by it 100%. Come on now, who doesn't want an oreo every now and then (am I right T?).  And no coffee..forget it unless I am actually pg (note: I went sans coffee for 6 months and obviously it did nothing other than leave me tired!).

I try to eat fresh, non processed foods, but I'm not perfect.  We had pizza & buffalo wings last night and it was delicious.  The main things I get out of the Fertility Diet are to 'eat clean' and supplement with vitamins where you lack.  I know everyone *should* eat a salad a day, but not many actually do it.  I've been reading up on the effect of greens in your diet.

If you are familiar with the Natural Fertility Diet you will know that we emphasize the importance of greens in the diet, making sure to eat one salad a day as well as one dark leafy green vegetable such as kale, spinach, or chard. Leafy greens and vegetables supply the body with important minerals and nutrients. The body needs to have a healthy acid/alkaline balance to function its best. Most diets today are very acidic (full of meat, sugar and white, processed foods) and need to have more fruits and vegetables incorporated into them


So after having a green smoothie at Yoga last week, I've been trying to make my own.

It's Kale, Collard greens with 2 cups of water (blended). Then add & blend frozen strawberries and pineapple.  It's not bad, really..even tho it looks very green.  Is it helping? Who knows. Is it good for me? Absolutely, so why not.

 At the end of the day, getting pregnant is truly a miracle.


Wednesday, June 27, 2012

And the results are in.....

CD10 Ultrasound (IUI#5):

Lining: 10.5 (WOW did I hear that right? I had to confirm. This is the nicest my lining has ever been. Usually it's 5/6ish)
Follies: 2 mature both on left (18 and 15.5). When these were read I got a "nice!" from my fav nurse K.

Dare I say it...I'm excited, nervous and cautiously optimistic.. I don't want to jinx us, so that's all I'm sayin'.

Enjoy your day. For today, I'm enjoying this little victory



Monday, June 25, 2012

Half empty

I had another post in mind for today, but this has been gnawing at me so decided to post it..

We were out with friends one night last week.  These are friends from my previous job so they know all about everything we've been through and are going through. They have 2 cute little girls and have had no infertility problems.

Night was good, had many a few drinks and before we knew it, it was midnight.  Closing out the night, of course the topic of babies came up.  My friend said something to the effect of 'when' we have babies we'll see how it is (I can't even remember what we were talking about - something about the 'terrible twos' I think).  I said, well we're nearing the end (of our journey) so it's not a 'when' it's an 'if'. To which he quickly responded 'oh I know it will happen'.

There was no ill will, no sadness (at that point), just a statement of a matter of fact.

It may not happen.

On our ride home, I said to the hubby, you know, that was the first time I said it and I felt like I meant it.  This may not happen. The past years, my 'glass half full' personality always thought it would eventually happen (like Ross & Rachel from friends).  He responded 'oh I've thought that for awhile now'. Shocked - - I said what do you mean for awhile.  He said for probably the past year or so.  ....what??  For the past year, he's thought this isn't going to happen. That made me sooo eternally sad.  Sad for him, sad for me, sad for us.  Honestly, it broke my heart.

I feel like this is my fault.  My body is letting us down.  I know, it's not the end of the world...we don't have a terminal illness, we'll get over this, so I am thankful for that.  But at this moment, I'm sad.



Thursday, June 21, 2012

Oh Happy Day

<insert me jumping up and down cheering> as I am CYST FREE!  


As I'm sure you figured out, the 'miracle' didn't happen for us this past month, so we are onto IUI#5 (sidenote: a baby is truly a miracle, I make fun of myself here from a few posts ago).

So fast forward to this week....I scheduled my baseline ultrasound (A baseline u/s is a check that there isn't anything that looks like it could deter a pregnancy (i.e.cyst!) or any issues that taking hormones would be harmful (again a cyst)).  I left home uber early trying to beat the morning rush but ended up stuck in Madison traffic anyway. Not fun when you're already nervous! So ended up a few minutes late, but luckily the clinic was having a slow day.

I meant to grab my camera to show you all the office, room, etc (for non- IFs) but forgot - of course.

The u/s tech and my fav nurse Nurse K performed my baseline u/s.  First she read my right ovary.  All sounded good until I heard: '15x7 follicle' (and I saw her save a snapshot of that one) which, I know from prior experience, is not good. All else sounded fine on the right as well as the left (from my little knowledge of their lingo). So even tho Nurse K was positive, saying the RE would call, I left feeling uneasy and negative as it didn't sound good.

I drove the looong 2 1/4 hrs home and no call. I called the hubby (who was at work) telling him the - I thought - bad news - that it didn't sound good, sorry, again, my body has failed us.

Then - finnnnnally a few hrs later Nurse K called with great news - we're on track to start meds for IUI#5.  The 15x7 follicle is a hemorrhagic cyst (filled with blood eww) that should pass normally (however painfully) and the hormones will not affect it.

I was so happy I had tears in my eyes.  I know this is just a small step in the process, but it's the first step for us after being benched and I couldn't be happier <3


Next up - 2 appts - one Fri with my normal OB and then next week: CD10 ultrasound (or as I like to call it D-Day - the 'tell all day' that will determine if we will continue with the IUI or not).

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Monday, June 18, 2012

Happy (belated) Fathers Day!

We were "home" for Fathers Day this year.  It was a very short trip, but boy did I enjoy seeing my family for the little bit of time I did.  Family is where the heart is <3

I can deal with my own heartache about infertility, but I have a hard time not feeling the guilt when my hubby is the one missing out.  Seeing him with our nieces. Even.harder. But we are blessed to have 3 wonderful nieces so I do thank God for that.

En route home, we pass by a church that has a billboard along the highway that always has the best quotes/sayings.  This time it was about Fathers Day: Happy Fathers Day to all Fathers and Fathers that would make great Fathers.

It really touched my heart.  How great is that?


So we are *hopefully* on track to start the process of IUI#5.  This week I head to Madison for a baseline ultrasound to make sure the follicles (aka cysts) have passed before we start another round.  Baby steps. This is step one in the long (to me) process. Because Dr G wants to monitor me more than he had in the past, I will be putting on lots o' miles. Hopefully it will all be worth it.



Friday, June 15, 2012

Don't forget where you came from

Since we're all friends here, I can be blunt and totally honest (when am I not?).

I have a few IF friends (friends from Highschool, acquaintances over the years) and 99.9% of them have passed us by and have kids by now.  I've said before, I'm happy for them, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. However, what I can't deal with (and it drives my crazzzzy) is when they forget where they came from. 

We see this in all walks of life, people forget. It's easy to forget, I know this.

The worst: Facebook.  Sure I don't have to look at my home feed, I could ignore it, but then I miss my family's "news" and the cute pics of my niece!

The ultimate worst: an IF friend (who I'm pretty sure doesn't read this, so I can talk about her :D ) who was IF for 1.5 years and now posts baby (now toddler) pics and status updates at least weekly (mostly 2x a week) on FB.  Everything about the baby.  And I get it, she's happy, loving her life (however her emails are all about the complaints of motherhood...complaints I'd gladly take on) but does she have to forget where she came from? Forget her "friends" that are still IF?

Blogging is Therapy.

Have a brilliant weekend!

PS Yesterday was our 6th wedding anniversary.  6 years ago we were with family and close friends on Oppenheimer beach of St John, VI pledging our love

and I wouldn't change a thing <3

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Nearing the end?

The FD (hubby) and I were in Door County for a few days for a conference.  There was lots of networking, chatting, eating and especially drinking (tho not as much as some..we were the lone ones in bed by 10..we both had to be up early!).  So of course, like any couple, we tend to have deep conversations when drinking (am I alone in this)?

One of our deeper conversations was about Fertility and our "plan" for 2012.  We talked about how much $$ we've spent, how emotional it is (aka how many tears I've shed) and what we want to do as we creep up in age (I'll be 33, him 35 this year). Most of all we talked about how this has affected our relationship.

We started this journey in Feb of 2009, doesn't it seem like longer? It sure does to me.  Back then we were in Ireland, and I took my last birth control pill. That felt really strange. I remember thinking each time we did the deed we could be making a baby.  Fast forward 3.5 yrs or 40 months (longer in cycles!) and now we are cynical, thinking we'll never get pg without help from our RE.  

How did it come to this??  I know we are very lucky in life, so I try not to be negative and dwell on our infertility issues.  But there are times when I do dwell.  

Anyway, back to our conversation.  We are creeping up on our "mid thirties" and we discussed the fact of being in our 50's and just having a child graduating from highschool.  On the flipside, we discussed being childless and how that will affect "us".  

We came to the conclusion that we will continue with a few more IUIs...for now.  IF the next few don't take, we'll either throw in the towel or discuss embryo adoption.  At the end of the year, our clinic in Madison is introducing Embryo Adoption.  This is a huge opportunity.  However there are definitely risks, and the cost of it is almost as high as IVF.  So for now, we will continue with the 20% hope of a successful IUI.

Wish us luck.. please cross your fingers, toes, eyes (ha ha) as we continue onto IUI#5!!!

Cheers friends!

Friday, June 8, 2012

Another awkward moment

Our neighborhood just started a neighborhood watch group (yes in this "big" city of WI apparently kids ringing doorbells and running constitutes the need for a neighborhood watch).  Since I'm all about getting to know our neighbors (what if I need help one day when the FD is working a 24 hr shift?) I attended.  Plus the  meeting was across the street from our house and they would see me creeping.

I knew a whopping 4 out of the 25 people that were there.  We've lived in our house for 7 years, now that is just sad.  One reason we keep to ourselves is our neighbors are definitely nosy (or so we've heard from the one couple we talk to), I'm sure they know everything about us, but I'd take a nosy neighbor any day over someone who doesn't care.


A few houses down from us, is a younger couple with two smallish girls.  When they first moved in, they met the FD and our pup on walks and at the park (we're across the street).  I've seen them before, but have never "met" them.   So I walked up and said hello, I said something to the effect of I've seen you, I believe you met my husband.  Yes, the nosy wife responds.  Literally that's all that was said; she followed her 'Yes' with  'When we first moved in, your husband said you were going to have kids soon, 4 years later you still don't have kids'  <she chuckles>.  I was floored. What? Really? That's an inappropriate comment to make after I just said "hello".. you have no right to jump right past the hellos into our personal life.  So now I'm thinking maybe she has foot in mouth disease or Tourettes.  I respond, 'yes, well we're hoping soon' (trying to be nice thinking we'll move on from this) but she just didn't let it go.  She says 'ya, we had just had our oldest when we first met your husband, and now we have 2' <chuckles again>.  I respond (thinking if you are going to keep prying, all bets are off) 'well we've been trying, it's just not happening'.  She said 'oh, it took us awhile too' (really?? you have 2 in 2 years), but look at us now.  I said 'has it taken you 4 years because we're creeping up on 4 years of trying.  That shut mouthy/nosy up.

Does this sound mean?  Yes it does, but you know what, when you're going to pry when I literally just say hello, I don't even know your name (and still don't), you're going to get the full God honest truth.

We finished with pleasantries (we are neighbors who will see each other again) and went on our merry way.  I told them to stop over for our BBQ next week. Doubt they will, mouthy probably thinks I'm a physco who will steal her children.

The curiosity killed the cat, sometimes people don't know when to stop and catch me on a bad day, well I am not responsible for my actions.

Cheers to the weekend. xo

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Baby Steps

So HUGE baby step (is that an oxymoron?) for me this month.  I.ovulated.naturally.  What?? If you're catching up on our journey (take a look at the right ------>), Pre-IUI's my cycles were like clockwork, I always O'd naturally. But still no pg.  We started being more aggressive in 2012.  Jan-April we did 4 continuous cycles of drugs, April-May I was on BC so I haven't O+ naturally for well over 6 cycles.

Family: Mom.. sisters..Aunt's..This may be TMI for you.. please move on if you don't want the gory details :P


So since we're "trying naturally" this month I haven't been counting days, etc b/c why waste my time charting, BBTing, etc when I know that "miracle" isn't going to happen. I say I know because I've become cynical.  In my heart I just don't feel like it's going to happen.  Which is very sad to me..I feel like this is our last stitch effort.  Now ask me this after a few more cycles/IUI's and we'll see what happens. Like I said, an emotional rollercoaster.

Well let me just tell you my body told me that I ovulated alright.  Too bad the FD has been working 24 hr shifts and OT so he hasn't been around.   I had been feeling weird, thought I ate something funny, went to the bathroom and IF's you know what I saw.  Lots and lots of CM..more than I have ever seen in our 3.5+ years of TTC.  (Sorry TMI - I warned you :P).  So a baby step was made.  Lets keep it up!


PS My sisters and mom and niece are coming to visit. yayyy!

Monday, June 4, 2012

Fun at a BBQ

Hello and Happy Monday.

Hope you all had a fantastic weekend! (I feel more positive already.. ok maybe not but I'm trying :P )

We went to a BBQ this past weekend.   Thankfully I brought own bottle of this

The BBQ is an annual event for a fellow IF couple.  They married in their late 30's, had 2 miscarriages and decided to "stop trying" and live life to the fullest. Childless.  They would be SUCH good parents. Really, my heart aches for them.  I sometimes see our future in them.

I stood around with the wives, aka mothers, and the discussion was mainly about news of what was going on in their kids lives.  Which I get, really I do.  I know I'm overly hormonal sensitive.  I obviously have nothing to contribute so I just drank was silent, laughing at the latest story.  Enter a girl from my hometown. She's sweet but verrry dramatic.  She was talking about giving birth and how terrible it was (telling her birth story for the 3rd time that night) and how men should carry the babies. I may have been rude  slightly tipsy  said something to the fact that my dream is to carry a baby to term.  Then came the pity looks, the "it'll happens" (as they all know our history).  I know I brought it on myself. I should have stayed silent.

In instances like this what do you do? Stay silent? Walk away?  For me, there was really nowhere to go. and the more I drink, the more I get louddddd and fiesty


All in all it was a good night.  I laughed it off and they continued to talk and I continued to drink.  Luckily we left early :D


Friday, June 1, 2012

Baby bellies part deux

If you remember my last post on baby bellies, this one is not any better. So I apologize in advance if this offends you or someone you know but this is my blog and if you don't like it, move on.

 source  (this reminds me of my cousin who I love and who offered to be our surrogate..another post for another day xo)

I bought a Living Social deal for Yoga back in Dec and sadly time has passed so quickly that it expires in a month!  So I finally made it to class last night. and Boy, do I wish I would have stayed home.

I walked in 2 min late, usually not a big deal. Got an evil look from the instructor (supposedly the "guru" of Yoga in this area) as I quickly set up in the first place that I saw.  ...Next to a very pregnant girl (we'll call her J). Augh. (I know life could be worse, but apparently it's a pity party for me this week)

At first I thought, oh how cute, she's probably 6 mo's along and still practicing active Yoga.

Then came the comments between her and the instructor that made me want to scream/cry/leave: "J shouldn't do this" and "J because you just finished a marathon (what?!!) I know you are strong and can do this"  then "J lets work on your hammies" and finally "J the babies head is down, lets try to work on that and opening your hips for delivery in 2 months".

J came back with comments as such:  "Well I still fit in my pre-pg jeans" followed by "I can't do that b/c of all the running I'm doing" and more comments like "running is my thing, yoga comes second so this is tough for me, the belly is in the way"  blah blah blah.

It was 2 hours of friendly exchanges.  I almost walked out 2 moments in class. The first one was after the above where she said the belly was in the way. You don't know how lucky you are.

This studio is new-to-me so I did not know the instructor, but I must have had a sad/mad/sad face on because towards the end when I was thinking of walking out (again) she came over to me and asked if everything was ok. oops, guess I wear my heart on my yoga sleeve.

 For those of you who are not IF, it probably seems like I am making a mountain out of a mole hill as they say.  But honestly, you have NO idea how hard this is and the emotional roller coaster we go through. This was definitely a down slope for me.


On the Up! Tonight I'm going to another Yoga class at my favvvv studio for a workshop called "yoga and chocolate".  Could life get any better.. yoga and chocolate.. well maybe if wine we're involved.

Cheers to the weekend. and I promise to *try* to make next week a positive om week.