Hello and Welcome!

Hello and Welcome! We are just another couple struggling with infertility but having fun and trying to enjoy the journey.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Merry Christmas - My guide to IF

Merry (belated) Christmas! I'm a tad behind in posting.


The Holidays.

There are a couple ways I coped with being infertile over the holidays. I realize I am not an expert but these are things that helped me the past 4 years (long time to some, not even close to a long time to others).

Drink Lots Sparingly.  No joke.  But there definitely is a point where I'd pass the "happy" relaxed - nothing bothers me - me and become emotional, sad and cry on the car ride home.

Workout.  If you know me, it's no secret I love to run. Love love love it.  It helped clear my mind.  The feeling of the ground beneath my feet, the early morning runs when everyone else is asleep.  Pure bliss.

Yoga. Yes, another form of a workout, but I think of it also as a mind clearer as there's a 'zen' about Yoga.  If you find the right instructor, it leaves you feeling soo great.  Even when I went into class having a terrible "poor me" day, I'd come out feeling refreshed..well all but one time. You know the time where I wanted to run out screaming.

I felt like this a lot of the time, despite the happy front I thought I put on

Research. Blogs/articles helped me. There's a huge infertile community out there and knowing you're not alone is the best.  To quote one article on surviving IF over the holidays:

1.  Say no to parties. Really. Do.It.
2.  Prepare an answer to the dreaded "still no luck" questions.
3.  Call on your support system. ---> Friends! Family! I have a few people I could complain to and it felt so great to just talk frankly.
4.  Look for the positives ---> I don't like this one.  It makes me think everything is unicorns and rainbows when we know it's a front.  Yes, you can be sad.
5.  Give Yourself A Break ---> My favorite.  Take a break, let yourself feel sad.  Then get over it and move on.

Speaking of blogs.  Head on over to this blog and take a read of

Just a few of my favorites:

"You’re so lucky.  You don’t know how hard it is to [fill in inappropriate comment like “change diapers,” “never sleep,” “buy clothes all the time,” here].  (You’re right.  I don’t know.  Thanks for that loving reminder.)"
"Maybe you’re just not supposed to have kids… (Hello?  Was there a secret early morning “Qualifying Mom Exam” that I did not know about?  I hate it when I oversleep!)"
"So-and-so tried for 10 years to get pregnant.  Finally, when she gave up, it happened.  (That’s great for so-and-so.  What does her body have to do with mine, anyway?  Oh.  She has the secret sauce ingredient to “getting” pregnant, does she?  Hmm…she does have a lot of cute new purses.  I haven’t tried buying purses yet….maybe I should try that?  Any excuse to shop!)"
Cheers! Be happy and enjoy, 2013 is right around the corner. 

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Facelift and Fear

I did a quick update to the background of the blog. The pink was getting to me :-)

Lets talk Fear.

Infertility Fear.  It's never going to happen.  Despite every test, every shot/pill, every RE appointment, it's not going to happen.  Then what?

Pregnancy Fear.  For some..most...probably just some, fear is a part of us every.stinkin'.day.  It.never.goes.away.  My sister said some time ago (oh wise one) that you first fear seeing the initial HB, then it's the 12 week mark, then the 20 week anatomical scan, then the "viable" point in a pregnancy (is it 28 weeks? but that does not ensure quality of life), then birth.  The fear really never goes away.  Back then, I disagreed with her, I believe I said something to the tone of, I just want to hit 12 weeks, now, I 100% agree.  To me, it becomes more so because now you're considered " in the safe zone" and maybe even betting on this actually happening..then if something, God forbid, happens, it's even worse.  I honestly don't know what I would do.  Survive I guess.

People seem to like to share their horrid pregnancy stories of a friends' friend who had issues.  Stillbirths, Scary.  Birth Defects. Scary.  Soo many things can go wrong and for some reason everyone has to tell their horror stories.  Why would you do this I ask myself.  It's depressing to one who already worries about everything from eating Feta to driving (accident!).

So what to do? Take it a day at a time.


Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Wordless Wednesday

It's been awhile since I posted a Wordless..


Vienna, Austria Christmas market. Must go back.



and finally, Thankful.



Monday, December 3, 2012


Confession time.


Every time I hear someone close to us is pg, I feel like our chances of having a healthy, happy baby go down.  So internally I am sad... jealous..no sad.  But never portray this to these people (duh).

It's terrible, I know, my husband agreed it was (again duh).  I'm ashamed to even say it out loud.  But it's the truth and typing it is not really saying it out loud....

It's not that I'm not happy for these people, because every little one is truly a blessing, and I'm still amazed every day I feel little kicks (or punches or any movements!).  I'm more sad, because..well, you just never know.

I don't know why I feel this way, why do we feel what we feel?  It's just one of those things.

All in all, I need to keep hoping, praying that the little one is growing strong and just keep on keepin' on.



Wednesday, November 21, 2012


So I still haven't started a new blog. Basically I'm just lazy I don't have time.. Ok I could make time, it's just not a priority at this point.  So onward we go...

The Holidays.  Most IF's nightmare. It's the questions, the assumptions, the looks (or the looks you think you are getting) from family, friends and acquaintances you see once a year who ask about life, kids.   I saw a blog post somewhere talking about the boring ole' questions you ask when you see old friends:  How's married life (assuming they just got married), How's the job,  How are the kids?  BLAH.  What about something interesting like, Take any fun trips this year?  What are you looking forward to?   Seems corny I know, but the old questions get monotonous when asked 80 times in the span of a holiday week.

This is the first year we are blessed to be celebrating the work of the last four years.  Celebrating life.  I thank my lucky stars and I hope it doesn't end on 12-21-12  and I wouldn't change a thing we have been through..well maybe if I could get back all the moolah we spent.

How is it going you ask...

Can't complain one bit.  I won't say that I haven't worried and googled a ton, but moving along slowly, we have our 20 week anatomical scan in December (can't believe it's almost 20 weeks!).

This is getting real people.  This may be it for us.

But I haven't forgotten about all my IF friends out there who are dreading the holidays.  I soooo have been there and all I can say is drink.lots.


Kidding.  Maybe.  Go on a fun weekend (or day) trip.  Do something different.  We had planned to go to Arizona for the holidays.  Hiking in Dec? Who knew.

That's it for now.

Happy Thanksgiving my friends and famila!  I have soo much to be thankful for <3



Friday, November 9, 2012

"Lots of people have tried longer than you"

This was said to me the other day.  And it irritated me.   

Some random thoughts about this statement:

~ Yes, I know this.  Really, I do.  We are lucky. We are fortunate and blessed to be where we are.  I also know this and I do.not.for.a.moment. take it for granted.

~ We worked our a**es off with late nights working to make up for Dr appts, lots-o-money (!?!), traveling, emotional heartache every time it didn't work and every time "I didn't respond" to get where we are.  But all in all, for me, getting pregnant was a crap shoot. It just happened to work after 6 tries. Even tho I didn't have the 'optimal' number of follies and the hubby's count was lower than it had been in 6 tries (funny side note: On the day of the IUI, after the hubs count came back, I think we both were disappointed and RE saw this.  He said, as we always say, it makes more room for the winners.  And who'd of thunk it, he was right.)

~IF is a part of me and I'll never "get over it".  It doesn't define me, but it is a part of my life and always will be.

I can't help my feelings, believe me, I try.  I will worry every minute of every day of this pregnancy until I'm fortunate enough to hold that little one in my arms.  Really, I will, but for you my friend, I will pretend it's all sunshine and unicorns and life is grand because, yes, lots of people have tried longer than us.

Cheers to the weekend!

Monday, November 5, 2012


Even tho I'm possibly getting used to saying to a few "we're having a baby" it's not real yet.
Even tho my pants no longer button, it's not real yet.

After going to our friends last weekend, doubts settled in.  My sub conscience said "she's bigger than you". Her ultrasound at 9 weeks shows her uterus in the shape of a perfect circle, mine was in the shape of a  half moon, what if I'm not growing properly or worse yet.. <gulp> carrying around a deceased fetus...

Calling Dr. Google.

And it downward spirals from here.  Miscarriages, Miscarriages, Miscarriages, that's all I saw when I researched my "abnormal" heart shaped uterus.
".....one can have a missed miscarriage at 13 weeks and beyond with an 'abnormal' uterus..."  
"... no bleeding, no cramping.."

What if I had a miscarriage in the last 4 weeks and we're now 'telling certain people' and there really is no baby!? Oh my.  I miss our RE and the nurses there.  Not that our new OB team isn't helpful, they just don't calm my fears when I freak out like this.  And why should they, I turn crazy when my mind starts.  They don't get paid enough for that.

I finally called my NP who graciously let me come in to hear the HB.  I brought her a Halloween treat to thank her, hell I would have paid her to let me come in, it was the least I could do.

Whew.  It's still there.

Relaxxx everyone says.  Easier said than done.
Today was a success.



PS - Prayers to all the NYers out there, sending our love <3 I can't imagine what they are going through as I complain about my insignificant problems.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Living life as it comes...

We went to a friends party over the weekend and found out that the wife is pregnant.  Just 4 weeks behind us.  The judgy-ness in me asks myself how can she be a mother, she can't even hold down a job.  She complains when her husband works OT because she's home alone too much (hence the NO job factor).  But - even tho I did not my place to judge.  Anyway, after saying congrats, that's so exciting, etc, I asked the all-knowing question "How long had you been trying"?  Her response, it happened on their first month of trying.

Sometimes I just don't get how unfair life is.  I mean come on now, on their first try?    I guess it makes sense, she has no stress in her life, she has a gorgeous house, enough money and a good hubby to take care of her.   Sure, this shouldn't bother me anymore, but it does.

All those people out there that would make such.good.parents are still waiting for their baby, and she is pg.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them (despite my thoughts) as they truly are good people but life is unfair.

She asked me a question.. are you over the 'whole mad thing about IF' or can you laugh about it now.  Umm.  What do I say to this?  I definitely had my "mad at life" moments, but I don't think I was an angry person (right..anyone?), I think the hubs and I were just getting used to living without chitlens.   Life is what you make of it.  We were planning trips for Christmas of 2012 (as I couldn't take one more holiday of sad looks from family that I'm drinking..meaning another year of no baby) and Summer of 2013.  We had floor plans to re-do our kitchen.  I was planning on running 2 marathons in 2013.  We were on our last hope of a little one.    ..So what did I say?  I think the look on my face told the hubs to take over.  He said we always laughed at ourselves, we were living life and taking it as it came.  Some couples breakup over this and for us, it made us closer.  If she got pg, then so be it, we were trying, really trying to make it happen, and if it didn't, well at least we didn't go down without a fight.  Great job honey ;) How did I get so lucky.


Monday, October 22, 2012

Facebook is the devil

Does Facebook irk anyone else?  From the bragging, the 'I have the most friends', 'I have nothing better to do am so important'. Seriously.

I saw this the other day

Really? Really????

So because you have a child you're now going to complain about him/her/them.  I had to dig deep deep DEEP down not to comment on this.  I know that if I did, I'd be the bitch because they have no idea what it's like to be IF.  To hate these posts.   I would have loved to say so many many things.. but I didn't.

How do they not realize what a gift a child is. Oh wait, the person that posted this gets pg when he sneezes on her.

I get it.


Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Are we "those" people

The hubby and I were talking the other day about TTC, announcing pg, babies, etc.  The subject of IF came up (of course) and the fact that the few times every time I say I'm pg I have to say "but it took awhile" or "after a long journey" to justify the fact that we 'deserve' this pregnancy.   Will I always feel like this?

Who am I to 'deserve' a pregnancy.  Just because we've been through a lot - which compared to a lot of people - is nothing.  So many people have had multiple losses, IUI/IVF failures, surgeries etc.

I've had multiple friends comment that after waiting for so long, everything is going to be just fine, no worries.  Really? I just don't believe that.  I don't believe we 'deserve' this after 4 years.  I think people go through a boatload more and deserve a better shot.

Ya know?  Am I wrong in thinking this?  I think of friends who have battled cancer once..twice..and deserve more than the cards they've been given.

Sure I pray..hope..pray that all continues to go well, but I don't believe we 'deserve' this after 'all we've been through'.  I think we've been given a gift and I will not take it for granted.


Wednesday, October 10, 2012


12 weeks.  Yep, we've (I hate when girls say "we're pg" like really, a guy is pg) I've made it 12 weeks. Our 12 week appt has come and gone, HB 158. Lower than the first HB at 7.5 weeks, but still good per the Dr. (notice I said Dr not RE because <sob sob> we've graduated from our RE!!!!!)

For most IFs, graduating from your RE is soo exciting, yet scary.  No more nurses, REs that hold your hand, talk to you multiple times a day, comfort you in times of fear, doubt.  Now we are at the normal clinic where they look at you with crazy eyes if you ask if you can take Tylenol or get the flu shot.  Not to say that the clinic cares less, I just think they see sooo many babies that they sometimes forget what a miracle it is for some people (yes having a baby is truly a miracle, but I mean specifically getting pg).  After 4 years, finally, we may have said child!

Even tho I have one pair of pants that fit I still can't believe it. Still not real.  Dr said technically you're not "safe" until 15 weeks (which is contrary to what I've read everywhere) so have a few weeks to go, but so far so good.  And we truly feel.so.blessed. So blessed that after 4 years it could be really happening!!??

So my friends, decisions decisions.  What to do about this here blog....any techy's out there? How do I make this blog private? I tried to limit it to "Only these readers" but I'm not sure how to list people.... Help!?

For now, I'm still keeping it open till I figure out what to do.

It's a happy day people.  I know this is hard to read for some of you, so again, my apologizes.


Monday, October 1, 2012

Funday Monday

Yep I have been MIA recently because I have no updates..nothing to say really.. still nervous for that 12 week appt, still hoping all is well in there.  I hit 12 weeks soon (!!) and I still cannot believe it. Can't believe it because I don't see it yet. Sure I feel a little fuller, a little rounder, but I thought I'd really be showing a little more by now.  So again, hoping all is well in there.  Like my sisters..my hubby..my mom tells me, you have no reason to think it's not, right?

I've said it before, but I often wonder what a non-IF feels like these first critical weeks.   Excited (vs. nervous every moment of every day)?  Anxious to tell everyone (vs. dread that you will have to go back and re-tell everyone the big M word)?  Excited to read the baby books (vs. nervous to read beyond this week..just in case).   Excitedly buys a few things just because it's fun (vs. no way Jose..don't want to see any baby things..in case).  Well I could go on and on.

* *

In other news, did anyone watch the Emmy's (a few weeks ago)? See Giuliana hosting?  It's so awesome that after all her and Bill went through they finally have a little one.  What bugged my IF self is the little comments she made throughout the E! hosting.  I know, I know, I'm being touchy she's excited about being a mom, blahh blah, but doesn't she remember what it's like to hear all about babies when your IF?

Rant over.

So that's where I stand.  Not much for news!


I know it's Monday but...

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

What a difference a year makes..

One year ago today, the hubby and I had our first appointment at Generations.  I can't believe where we are now.  Just goes to show you it can happen.  Have faith.  Truly, I didn't know where this journey would bring us, I had high hopes, but that was just it.

So Believe my friends.  Believe.



PS Please read the last post on decisions...

Sunday, September 23, 2012


Hello dear friends,

I've been thinking a lot about this.  Should I continue this IF blog... should I start a new blog... should I stop all together.. and I really am not sure at this point.

When other IF bloggers kept up their IF blog with pg updates I, as an IF reader, felt cheated.  Hurt. Why should they continue IF blogging when they are truly not IF anymore.  I didn't want to read how they felt and looked at 20 weeks.  I didn't want to see bump updates...

Now, even tho I'm not past "the safe zone" I feel like a poser posing as an IF.  So for now, I'm going to hold off on further posts to decide on whether to make this blog private (any readers would email me to be 'invited in') or start a new blog.  I am leaning towards continuing this blog (as Infertility is still a part of me, pregnant or not) and making it private.

So thanks for reading, thanks for being a part of our journey and please check back in a few weeks <3


Friday, September 21, 2012

A forever IF Update

Titles are the toughest part of a post.

10 weeks.  Yep, 10 weeks after the BFP (well technically 8 weeks, but you know what I mean).  How did I get here?  I don't "feel" pg, I feel like a poser.  I so want to leave the IF group, but right now, I'm in limbo.  I still have yet to tell any friends (other than the 2 I had to tell due to circumstances) that I'm pg.  I still feel like it's going to "go away".   Should I mention I took another pg test last week <blushing> ??

There is so much going on in our lives right now that I feel guilty for feeling happy and feeling hope.  Will I get past this...?


I had a dream last night that my water broke (even tho my uterus is the size of softball) and my friends dad the doctor (who in reality is not a doctor) came to the diner I was eating breakfast at to deliver my 'baby'.  Think I'm worrying? Nah.. :D

I also had a dream my sister was pg.  I won't divulge which one... ;-)

I have another OB appt in a few weeks.  We *should* be able to hear the heartbeat (I say should because I have a tilted uterus and heartbeats are harder to find early on).  Will it feel more real then?  Time will tell.



Thursday, September 20, 2012

We're back!

and extremely tired. I think I need a vacation from my vacation ;D  I'll have a full recap soon but just a quick not to say hello <waves hi!> and to stay tuned..

I can't close this post without mentioning..  Todd lost a good ole' friend last week and it just broke our hearts.  So prayers and love to the family and friends <3


Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Technical difficulties

For some reason I'm having problems w/the Blog. Hope it's effecting you at all.. Stay tuned and thanks for reading :-)


In other news we're heading here soon (!!!!)

Besides my work trip, this is the first time I've traveled anywhere pg (did I just say that out loud? Shhh).  I don't have any kind of true bump yet but I definitely feel (and look?) like I had one too many bagels..or donuts :P Not that I'm complaining, bring it on! 

I'm thankful I'm feeling fine.  Little bouts of nausea but nothing major.  I'm tired, but hey, when was I ever not tired.  I always was irritated by those people that were TTC for years and then complained of every symptom.  I'm definitely not one of those people. Again - bring it on!

In other TTC news, I am a Khloe Kardashian fan (yes I am a fan of Keeping up) and turns out she is having TTC issues too.  There are so many of us out there! They say 1 in 8 couples have problems TTC but it seems like soo many more than that.

I think we really need to ban together to get the word out there, it's taboo to so many and it shouldn't be.


I can't end this post without mentioning today.  11 years ago so many people lost their lives and so many were out there searching for survivors in the wreckage of the WTC.  We Can't Forget.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Sweetest Sight

As I mentioned, we went in for our first ultrasound (7.5 weeks) and saw this beautiful sight:


The day started early (like normal). We left the house at 6, arrived in Madison on time for our appointment.  I was super nervous, sweaty palms and all. The hubby took my hand and made a joke about my clammy hands.  I think it runs in the family (right mom :D ). It seemed to take forever to be brought back.  The receptionist said the Dr was running late if I wanted to sit (was I pacing? yep.).

The nurse took my BP, 140/100 which is high for me..she asked if I was nervous.  Duh.

The Dr went in as I held my breath watching the monitor.  One really nice thing about the clinic is there is a huge screen for you to watch, unlike my OB where you sit there while they look and you have NO idea what she saw until the Dr calls you back later.  Anyway, she said 'baby is being photogenic, thanks baby' as I continued to hold my breath...waiting...hoping for a tiny little flicker.  And boom, there it was.  She said, heartbeat is right there.  It was oh so tiny, but it was there!  HB of 167.

Relief.  Big Sigh.

Now comes the waiting game.  Waiting, praying that that little flicker continues to grow and progress until 12 weeks where the risk of miscarriage decreases greatly.

I should feel absolute relief but when I got home I googled what the risk of miscarriage was after seeing a heartbeat and saw all the scary, real stories of miscarriage at 8, 9, 10 weeks.  Being a numbers person doesn't help me in these instances.  Miscarriage after seeing a heartbeat does happen and it could happen to me.

For the moment, I am happy and trying to remain calm and await these 4 weeks.   I know I say this a lot recently, but

Cheers to the weekend!

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

The "I knew it would happens"

I have told 2 people (other than immediate family) about our BFP.  I'm just too nervous to.  It just seems like if I tell people it will 'go away'.  The hubby, on the other hand, seems to tell everyone he sees :D  Fine by me as IF something happens (God Forbid) he has to be the one to tell these people.

A lot of the non-family members (mostly his work friends) have said or text'd me "Oh I knew it would happen".  This bothers me.  It shouldn't I know, but it does.  Like, oh forget the past 4 years as you're now "in the cool club".  Not really, even if this pregnancy holds on, I will always consider myself an IF.  I will never forget where I came from as it has made me who I am today.

You can't erase your past, only move forward with the knowledge you've gained.


PS Thank you for hanging on and continuing to follow, especially IFs, as I'm sure it's tough to follow this journey, but I do understand <3

Friday, August 31, 2012

Onward we shall go


I really don't have much IF-wise to report.  I feel like this is the longest 2WW ever.  Still pregnant (to my surprise) and still waiting/hoping/praying that all is cooking well in there.  I really feel no strong symptoms yet (other than tender b00bs) so I'm waiting either to wake up and have it all be over, or that at our next Dr appt they will say, nope no pregnancy.  Or worse yet, no heartbeat.

I watched an episode of 19 kids and counting last night. If you've never caught it, it's a reality show about a very large, faith driven, family in Arkansas.   Of course I caught the one where Michelle is pg with her 20th child and they go in for a routine ultrasound (at 20 weeks) and there is no heartbeat. I cried.  I prepared myself for this possibly happening to us.

I was talking to a friend recently.  She made a comment that really stuck.  This is the part where faith and hope come in.  Your faith (whatever it may be) will keep you strong.  She's right, so why am I worried and why can't I focus on the 'now' and be happy with where I'm at?

I do feel very blessed that we have gotten this far.   Each and every day is a waiting game.  Waiting and hoping all goes well and I'm not thrown back on the IF train.

As our friends say, please storm the heavens with prayers for our appointment next week!


Thursday, August 30, 2012

Amazing TTC stories

Did you see the story on the Today show of the Illinois grandmother (50) who carried her own grandchild to term? News is she is having a C-section today.  Craziness, how is this even possible.  The daughter had cervical cancer and couldn't carry a child. Dr's were able to save her ovaries, thus her eggs and with IVF, implanted an embryo into her mother.

It's amazing what doctors can do these days.  Heck, Celine Dion carried twins to term at age 42. Now that was after quite a few IVF attempts but still.

You hear stories these amazing stories all the time.. my aunt actually had a natural and healthy pregnancy at 42 (I think...Mom is that right?)

Happiness for Giuliana and Bill who delivered a child via gestational surrogate!  How exciting for them. If you haven't been following their story, Giuliana is an E! news correspondent and via their reality show we watched them struggle with IF, miscarriages and breast cancer.

Shows that we are ageless! If you have the money that is :D


Wednesday, August 29, 2012

A Few Wordless Thoughts for the Week


St Lucia 2012. So fun. So Gorgeous.

Lake Retba, Senegal. Literally pink from a certain type of algae in the water.

Big Sur Coast in Cali. We're headed here in a few weeks..


Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Like water off a ducks back

I shouldn't let it get to me but these conversations always bother me.  Can any other IFs relate??

The hubby was talking to a seriously religious friend (not that there's anything wrong with religion, I am a full believer) about TTC.  He and his wife have a 2 1/2 year old and apparently had been TTC "for a long time" for #2 (she's 15 weeks pg now).  The hubby assumed they tried for #2 right after #1.  Nope their "for a long time" was 5 stinkin' months.  Really??? Really?? Your telling us that 5 months is "a long time"? WTH.  

Background: when I say they are seriously religious I mean it.  He has 4 brothers and 20 nieces/nephews..so far (aka they don't believe in birth control).   When we first mentioned we were having problems (um 3 years ago) he asked if we had tried the natural family planning method (meaning timed sex). Really? Nope, I thought I might be the Virgin Mary reincarnated (I mean no offense here, just a joke).

I know he wasn't trying to be mean or cruel, it just didn't occur to him who he was talking to when he made this statement.  It didn't occur to him that while his wife was pg (finally, ha) we had been trying for 44 months.  Yep, multiply that "long time" of 5 months by 9.  ARG.  It's so frustrating sometimes.

I know, let it roll off, what's the big deal?  It's a big deal to me.  People just don't understand that it's hurtful sometimes.

Yep, it's "one of those days".


Friday, August 24, 2012


After almost 4 years of infertility I still feel like a poser when I say "I'm Pregnant" (well the few times I've said it out loud).   I usually deflect by saying well it's still early so I just hope it sticks or well I hope to make it to the magical 12 week mark.  The hubby hates when I do this.

I just still can't believe it.  I feel like we've been trying for so long that I just feel like this gift is going to be taken away from me.  I can't imagine people who have suffered from IF for longer or who have suffered greater losses, I truly am sorry as it must be heartbreaking. 

I was thinking of things that would have been different had we conceived right away.  I probably would have told everyone right away.  I probably wouldn't feel dread every morning *hoping* this isn't the day I have a miscarriage. I probably wouldn't analyze every single stinkin' cramp, twinge, etc and run to the bathroom praying for no blood (sorry TMI).  I most likely wouldn't have asked a co-worker (in front of a group) if his 3 month old twins were natural or assisted (my filter took a vacation at that moment..I later apologized to him and thankfully he was cool about it).   I don't think I would be this nervous.  I don't think I would have to make myself relaxxx this much.  I would enjoy these early on weeks.

It's a tough road, a road I honestly thought I would never be on. But for today, I am greatly thankful for what I have been given.  Today is a gift.

Cheers to the weekend!

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Traveling with a secret

This week I'm traveling for work.  I'm very fortunate to work from home, however from time to time I get to go out into the real world by traveling to my company's home base.  This week I get to get out, dress up like a normal person and see my co-workers.  While this usually is fun and something I enjoy, this time with my secret, I dreaded it.

The plane ride:  Wasn't sure how this was going to go.  Security!? Nausea?! Turned out just fine.  Our small hub of an airport offered a pat down vs. the normal x-ray screening (which apparently is not an x-ray anymore, but to be safe, I opted out).  Even tho I'm still quite newly pg I wasn't sure if the plane ride was going to bring on some bouts of nausea.  Luckily, nope.  Only con was having to pee on every plane. Normally I hold out but this time I just couldn't!  Lastly, lifting my heavy as all heck suitcase.  Normally I'm a champ and can lift it with no problem.  This time I didn't want to chance it, so I was that girl. Yep, I asked two nice gentlemen to help.  On the way home, I'm definitely checking my rollaway as I'm a nervous nelly it's just too hard with my laptop backpack which is big and bulky.

Co-Workers: No one knows obviously as I'm still to early to tell and there's no need right now to put my boss in a panic, dreading the thought of having to fill in for me for 12 weeks.  Normally having to hide it isn't hard as I don't have a night life here, but this time (of course) a co-worker organized a happy hour for me.  Tonight. At my favorite sushi place here.  Fainting sickness won't work, so I'm pulling the "I'm on antibiotics" old trick and can't drink. As for sushi, I will try to get out of eating, or eat some appetizers.  I'm also hoping noone notices I take bathroom breaks just about every 1/2 hour.

Meds:  This is tricky.  With the progesterone, I have to take it every 12 hours and lie down for 15-30 minutes after taking it as it's supposed to help it absorb.  Definitely puts a wrench in working long nights and getting up to workout in the morning.  This morning (TMI - it's ingested down there) the pill was dislodged and I had to take another one and ended up being almost late for work because I had to lie down longer.  But, I made it work.

Meals: With really trying to eat healthy and well rounded meals this is tough as I eat out 100% of the time.  I am missing my green juices and trying to eat more salads, even tho they are definitely missing some key vegetables I normally eat.  Timing is also tough.  I have snacks, but forcing myself to take a break and leave work early to eat is tough.  Case in point: I left work last night at 6 and didn't end up eating until 8. I wanted to gnaw off my hand I was so hungry.   Today I'm going to head to Trader Joe's in hopes of hitting up their hot bar and getting some good, organic greens in.

At the end of the day, it's more challenging but being healthy and as safe as possible is my number one priority and work comes second right now.  I guess my priorities really have changed, lol, if you have read this post. 


Sunday, August 19, 2012

To Tell or Not to Tell

Similar to coming out of the IF closet, it's really tough to decide whether to tell family/close friends that your pg before the dreaded "safe" zone of 12 weeks has passed.

To Tell or Not to Tell....

When we first started TTC, I always said I'd for sure want to wait the 12 weeks to tell ANYONE.  The hubby quickly reminded me of this last week when we told our families.

Because I have a blog, my life is pretty much an open book to my friends here :P   I also have a very close knit family.  They know all about our struggles (not at the beginning but they do now), the dr visits, IUIs, the last IUI so they were all anxiously awaiting the results.  So after we received the results of BT #1, we did spill the beans to close family (meaning immediate family only).  However NO announcement on social medias (i.e. Facebook), NO screaming it from the rooftops...even tho that's what I wanted to do.

The pros of telling are obvious, excitement! It's real (kinda)!  Support.  I find myself going to my sister (who has a 1 yr old cutie) for everything piddly (should I eat this Feta? Is this feeling 'normal'?). I find myself wondering how she went through this 2 years ago.  Luckily she had friends that have babies.  I wish I could have supported her..

The cons: if something happens you have to tell everyone the bad news.  But on the flip side, I wanted that support if, God Forbid, something were to happen.

So we decided to tell our close circle.  A decision I haven't regretted for a moment. They have reminded me to take in the positives, celebrate the little victories and (try to) enjoy these moments being pregnant.  And not.to.stress as the hard part is over. Now we just have to wait.




PS to all my IF friends, don't worry, this will NOT become a pg blog.  I wouldn't do that to my fellow IFs.  IF all goes well through week 12 I will most likely start another blog  <3

Thursday, August 16, 2012


Blood draw #2: 2272 (up from 603 a few days ago). Yippee!

Let me preface this with a story (why me, always?).  I get to the lab bright and early.  I'm the first patient.  I am called in fairly quickly by a chatty nurse.  We talk about the weekend, her kids and her vacation up north.  All goes well with the blood draw and I ask about HcG levels.  She said, as I expected, they should have doubled from your first draw.  Technically, per my RE, while everyone is different, early on levels should double every 48 to 72 hours.   She then goes into her story about her first miscarriage and how her HcG had almost doubled so they took it a third time and it went down and she eventually had a miscarriage.  Why oh why would you tell me this when I'm obviously already nervous??


Despite my nervousness, I got my results 4 (!!??) long hours later.  RE's response, levels look great, still elevated with what we'd expect this early on, but that's good!


I am relieved.  *Maybe* Excited. Feel like I can breathe and try to relax until the ultrasound in a few weeks.  A friend said to relax and enjoy the pregnancy.  I am *trying* but it's definitely harder than I thought!

I feel so blessed, I can't explain it.  I know we still have a long 8 weeks to go until it's technically "safe" but it's a step. A good step forward.



Disclaimer: I am not a medical doctor, these are my own experiences.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Onward we go

Since the first BFP, I've been taking it easy.  Doggoneit we've sure waited and hoped and worked for this for so long so I'm sure not going to take it for granted and press my body too hard.

Exercise:  Basically all I've been doing is walking (2-4 miles a day) or bike riding and lifting light weights, mostly my fav Fit Sugar videos.  I really want to go back to Yoga, but I'm terrified to push my body.  I haven't ran in 2 weeks and I don't see picking it back up, except maybe adding a few minutes of running into my walks IF I feel ok.

Food/Drinks: Obviously no alcohol. Trying to drink lots and lots of water. Still drinking coffee, however I limit it to 1 cup a day (most Dr's say 200 mgs of caffeine is okay).  No espresso (this.is.so.hard.). Trying to eat more veggies, fruits and limit any processed foods.  I have been either eating a big ole' salad a day or drinking a green juice every day.

Vitamins/Supplements/Meds:  My RE put me on Prometrium, a form of progesterone.   Per my RE (and google of course), Prometrium is taken as a supplement to prevent miscarriage.  My RE said basically it helps the placenta form.   He said they usually prescribe it the day of the IUI until pregnancy is confirmed (wish I would have been told this earlier!), so I am starting it late, but better late than never.  I will be on this until week 11 (*hopefully* if all goes well).
I take fish oil 2x/day and also a prenatal vitamin of course.

Will any of this help? Probably not, I've seen many preggers get pg while drinking into the first trimester, eating McD's every day and partying till all hrs in the night.  Does it make me feel better? Absolutely.

As it's still super early, I feel slight body changes but nothing major.  Normal boob tenderness, slight twinges, lower back uncomfortableness. All of which my RE said is normal and to be expected.

So, onward we shall go.   For IFs reading, I know this is probably hard to read/follow and I hate knowing that I am causing you pain.  I 100% have been there and understand <3

As of now, I am thankful for what I have been given.


Disclaimer: These are my experiences, I am not a medical doctor nor do I give advice.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Blood Test #1

I went in for my first hCG level blood test. Results: 603.

The feedback from my RE, you're pregnant, congrats!

Per Baby Med:
HCG stands for "Human Chorionic Gonadotropin", the pregnancy hormone which is produced by the placenta and enters the blood soon after implantation and is detected with pregnancy tests.  HCG is being produced by the placenta and enters the blood stream as soon as implantation happens, about one week after fertilization and ovulation, when the embryo implants and the placenta attaches to the uterine lining.

  • hCG under 5 mIU/ml:   Negative. Not pregnant
  • hCG between 5-25 mIU/ml:"Equivocal". Maybe pregnant maybe not. Repeat test in a couple of days
  • hCG over 25 mIU/ml:You are pregnant!

The nurse said my level was high (they are hoping for 50), however higher is better, so no worries. Whew!

How do I feel? Nervous, anxious, waiting for Blood test #2 to make sure my levels are going up. If not, that could indicate a future miscarriage.

Probably like most IFs, I still don't believe it. I think until I see that ultrasound (and maybe not even till I have a healthy child in my arms) I won't believe it.

I feel like I have this little secret and I can't tell anyone.  I am very nervous to tell anyone. Nervous I'll have to go back and say, nope no baby again as we had a miscarriage.

But for now I'll celebrate the little victories...

My name is Nicole and I'm pregnant! (I feel like I'm at an AA meeting introducing myself as who am I??).

Cheers!  I try to remember this each day when I wake up

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Every beginning is anothers end

I'm so terribly sad the Olympics are over..  My fav moments (gymnastics of course):

Gabby winning the Gold

The Fab Five winning Gold

And my absolute fav, Ali, the underdog, winning the Gold for Floor

I was so sad to see Jordan miss out, but turns out she had a stress fracture that could have affected her competing. Plus she did get a team gold, booyah!

How amazing is Oscar from South Africa 

An end of a glorious 2 weeks. 


A *hopeful* beginning..

I have taken 10 HPTs (home pregnancy tests) after IUI#6 because I'm so terrified this will go away like last time. But for now...I can't believe I'm saying this.. BFP! Multiple (all 10) actually. The 2nd line in this picture looks light, must be the lighting and my cheap camera.  The hubby teased that we should buy stock in EPT because I just bought 2 more packages yesterday.  Is it silly that I have wasted so many tests.. maybe.. but I just feel better about my day.  

I have blood tests to confirm coming up.  Stay tuned and please please send baby dust our way.  After 4 years of heartache, emotion, and 6 IUI's, I finally have a BFP that has stuck around! I know we have a loooong way to go, but baby steps my friends. We're not there yet.


Friday, August 10, 2012

Friends with kids part 2..3.. idk

Last weekend I had a 1 yr birthday party for my Godson. He's a little cutie, definitely a healthy boy.  I've mentioned before that all of my high school friends have babies (and a few had them at the party) but funny enough (even after the stories I have for you :P) I didn't have one once of sadness for me.  The day was not about me. More like I hope it happens, but if not, well, I'm meant for other things.

Funny tidbit #1 -
I'm hanging by the grill w/my friend talking about life, etc. as we have a cocktail.  She's probably my closest highschool friend. The one who called and told me she was pg first, even tho she knew I would have a hard time with it.  She's up front, honest and over my IF years, this has made us closer.  So she's talking about the bday boy and how amazing he is (and I agreed).  Then she said, I felt bad for you all these years, but now having him, knowing how much I love him, I feel even worse for you. OUCH.  I smiled and said, well if it's meant to be then so be it.

Funny tidbit #2 -
Another longtime friend (we've been friends since we were 5) gave me a ride home.  She has a 10 week old little boy.  So we're on our way out and she asks when I'm leaving for home (party was in MI). I mentioned I had to work Sun, so leaving early Sun AM.  She responds, I used to be a workaholic too, but now I have other priorities. OUCH.  I said something like ya, well, all I have is work (jokingly of course).

Funny enough, these comments just made me laugh at how silly people are.  I think my situation just makes people uncomfortable.  Like they don't know what to say.  And I get it, it's like when someone has cancer, what do you say, you're strong, you'll beat this.. blah.  I think I have learned all you can say is sorry to hear that and I'm here for you.  

The 2nd friend I think was just trying to justify herself going back to work part time (she truly was a workaholic and worked 80 hr weeks). No need to justify to me, to each their own.

At the end of the day, we are in charge of our emotions, and today, I kept them in check. yippee.


CHEERS TO THE WEEKEND.  I'm not sure if I've ever looked forward to the weekend as much as this. I.need.a.break. Get out there and have a great one <3

Wednesday, August 8, 2012


Here's to Hope.  Hope for someday that dream will come true, whatever it may be <3



Monday, August 6, 2012

T-a few days until D-Day

*The elephant in the room* how am I feeling after IUI#6 ??

My yoga teacher read something the other day that really struck a cord for me "Fear.  Let yourself be vulnerable to fear. So many times we hide because we're afraid to be vulnerable."

I am terrified this IUI didn't take.  Terrified of what comes next.  Terrified that Dr L will say IVF is our only option and we have to make the decision.  Terrified of being done trying.

The first week after the IUI I was super tired. Like wake up after a full night of sleep still tired.  I thought, maybe just maybe, there's a little something happening in there making me tired.  But now I'm not so sure.

I'm not trying to be negative, I just don't think it worked.  And I'm terrified of what's next.

Happy birthday to me.  It's my 4th birthday of TTC and we're still not any closer.

Friday, August 3, 2012

IF friends

It's been a long time since I've talked to any IF friends.  Mostly because they've all left the IF club and have kids.  From all of these 'friends' I have one, yes ONE, that is still sympathetic to IF. ONE who actually remembers what it's like. She is in her late 30s and has two little adorable - quite a handful - little boys.

The others are all 'the baby this' and 'the baby that' and every friggen post on FB is about the baby and how great it is to be a mom..you don't really live until you get that feeling of being a mom. BLAH.  This is when I.hate.facebook.

Last weekend I caught up with a fellow IF friend. It was soo nice to be able to chat and actually air our dirty laundry about all this over many many drinks.  Blogging is therapy, but talking to a fellow IF is priceless.

As much as the hubby and I have open communication about this, talking to a fellow IF is different.  I love my hubby to pieces but it's hard for him to understand sometimes, despite his best efforts.  And it's easier to hide feelings because it makes him sad that I'm sad.

This couple has gone thru soooo much heartache and I pray their next step works out for them <3  This is probably the first time I literally want it to happen for them rather than us.  Thinking about all we've gone thru feels like a drop in the bucket to their journey.

Sending prayers out in the universe for them and for us. Because, yes, I'm saying it, WE DESERVE GOODNESS.  And I refuse to settle for less.

Cheers to my last weekend in my "early thirties" <gulp>!

...and sadly when I think of my birthday, I think tick-tock my time is running out.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Wordless Wednesday

I thought I needed something to lighten the mood here, since I feel I've gone all dark and sad on ya

hee hee

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

The Ride Home

So I think I left off with the ride home from IUI#6...

To say I was sad from the day is an ultimate understatement. The whole ride home I think I had tears underneath my sunglasses.  I'm thankful for the sunglasses as the hubby (of course) hates to see me cry.   I know I know, I literally just left the office from the IUI and I'm already planning that it didn't take.  But I am a realist, we have a 1 in 5 chance it will take.

SO much went through my mind.  What if this is it.  What if this is our last shot.  Should we do IVF even tho we've already "decided" against it.  Would he want to try IVF...Would I? We have a short time window, it's now or never.

I felt like I was rolling in a dryer full of ideas.

So I just spit it out. I might want to do IVF. What the whhhhhhat?  IF this is truly our last shot, maybe I do want to try it.  The hubby, so supportive (how lucky am I??), said I'll do whatever you want to do.  But I don't want him to be supportive, I want him to want it too.  And I'm not sure if he does.  The part that makes him (and I) hesitate is the money aspect of it.

So we left it at that.  We'll talk to Dr L and see what he has to offer.

Cheers.  I must try to remember this...

Monday, July 30, 2012

IUI #6: Done!

All went well.  But I don't feel very good about this one.

We arrived at the clinic early.  The hubby did his thing then we went to breakfast relieved, the challenging part was over.  Decided to go back to the clinic early since they had a busy day and they were hoping to get us in early.  Ended up sitting in the waiting room for a 1/2 hr people watching.  The clinic is usually pretty quiet. Today it was like a zoo.

One of the couples coming out of the office was pregnant. With twins.  They carried a Generations CD, ultrasound pics and two little Generations onesies to the front desk.  I became the green eyed monster of envy and sadness. Right there in the lobby, I sat with tears streaming down.  Luckily everyone was congratulating them and reviewing the ultrasounds so no one noticed.

We finally went in and all went smoothly.  Our RE was nice, as always, calm, as always.  And said, as he always does, good luck and hope to see you back in two weeks. Shakes our hands and leaves.  So I "take position" (sitting upside down on the table with the pillow under my booty and my legs up) and the hubby starts playing with the stethoscope.

*Knock knock* before I have time to even put my legs down (still undressed from the waist down btw) our RE comes back in.  He looks where my head should be, then confused sees us looking odd and fumbles his words and says 'of course we're hoping for the best, but *IF* this cycle doesn't work we need to meet and discuss our options.'    Then he promptly leaves.

I don't know why but this just hit me.  I'm not sure if it was seeing the pg girl in the lobby, then having this thrown at me but I became very sad and the waterworks started once again.

So.this.is.it.  This is our last shot.  I'm guessing he's going to suggest IVF as our next best shot since my wonky body just doesn't seem to want to get pregnant.

The ride home was interesting.  More to come...


Friday, July 27, 2012

Happy Birthday Mama!

May you...

Thanks for being a great mom, friend and positive role model <3

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Breaking Down

Most of the time I'm able to shrug off sad stories/experiences...while it makes my heart ache, I try to think of the positive side of things, I try to think of the glass half full.  Last night, I just couldn't.

I've been *trying* to think positive, have hope about IUI#6.  Really, all has went well so far, so why shouldn't I?  Then the hubby said that his friend (and wife) wished us luck for this round.  He said they wished us luck as they had also done 4 IUIs with no luck.  And.they.have.no.baby.today.  

I am a realist. I know that we only have a 20% chance each time we try another round.  I know the odds are against us. So why did this hit me so hard?  I literally had to force away tears.  The hubby went to bed and I watched tv on the couch as I couldn't shake it off.

This couple is amazing.  They are great people, have an awesome relationship, great jobs, a great house, they literally jet off to Paris for the weekend.  I see us in this couple.  While eventually, I would be okay childless (as if I had a choice) and I do love to travel, this made my heart sad.

I still, 12 hrs later, can't shake this off.  Is it a sign that I need start thinking of us as a childless couple?

Idk what to think.  Today, I am sad. Not very good timing.


PS Happy Birthday T, thank you for always being a constant friend and sista <3

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Adversities make you stronger

I remember after the first year of TTC, I did a lot of research.  And by research, I mean I read lots of blogs on people's experiences with IUIs, IVFs, etc.  I of course read  Taking Charge of your Fertility and The Fertility Diet.  I had discussions with friends on TTC and their IUI/IVF journeys.

In all of this, I remember thinking I could never go through the emotional journey of IUI/IVF so many times.  I thought I didn't have time to go to Dr visits each month for CD3, CD10 then the procedure.  I remember thinking, well if it's meant to be, then it will happen naturally. 

Now here we are on IUI#6.  And still no baby... 

I've been trying to think what I've learned from all of this and here's what I came up with:

~You always have time if you want something bad enough.  You can make time. I thought I was sooo busy, I didn't have time for the important things.  Family.

~I need to slow down.  My mom mentioned this to me last week, and it is true. I need to learn to slow down and take a breath.  One thing that really helps me is Yoga. Need.more.Yoga.

(Outside Yoga on the deck in DT GB)

~Infertility can make or break a relationship. Thankfully, for us, it has made ours.  We laugh (most of the time) about our Infertility and my wonky ovaries.  We are still able to smile when we walk in our RE's office (vs. the (rightly so) scowl many people have..tho I feel like this a lot of days..).

~And Finally. You are stronger than you think.

"Adversities make you mad, they make you sad, they literally break you down, but if you fight through them, they make you stronger, sharper and more motivated."
   Lolo Jones, U.S. record holder for the 60-meter hurdles