Knock Knock..anyone out there?

So I've been neglecting the Blog big time.  It's been way too long...

Update (**Baby update.. feel free to skip over**)

...................

I am currently 35 weeks pregnant (!!!), seriously where has the time gone.   Baby now has a 99% survival rate if born at this stage.  Of course, there are still many other risks that I worry about.... but positive thinking, right?  If you would have told me last year, amongst the fertility treatments, that it WILL happen, I would never have believed it.  Last year at this time, we were on IUI #3.  I of course still remember the heartbreak of every drive to Madison, every tear shed, every negative test.  It's something I'll never forget.  But it got us here and I wouldn't wish the experience away. 

Ok, that's it for now.  END of baby update.

**

There are a few IF blogs I've read throughout the years; while I don't comment on most of them, they have really helped me a ton.   Not only can I relate & learn from them, it's nice to know you're not alone.  Jenny from Among the Blossoms is one I read here and there.  After 8 years of IF, she conceived naturally (!!??) and just had a baby.  Crazy.  She had a post that I wanted to share.

This post talks about running into strangers who spill their IF stories.  This post really hit home because it happens to me all the time.  It's like we want to share..we want to relay our story because maybe someone else is struggling and we can help.  Or we just want to get it out. Who knows.  Anyway, take a quick read, it's interesting.

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Cheers, spring is almost here (I hope!). 

Being pregnant while having IF friends

****If Infertility is a sensitive subject or you are dealing with sensitive IF issues, please feel free to skip this post as this discusses IF & pregnancy. Thank you for reading and Happy NY - this is a start to a new year *****

** 

Being IF for just under 4 years means I obviously still have IF friends.  Bloggers, Facebook, Real life, etc.  I'm sure it's super tough for them to see me, talk to me, etc and it's totally understandable.  I've been there.  I've been the one skipping showers, dismissing emails/texts/calls, hiding them on Facebook because I couldn't bear to hear about pregnancy, baby bellies, etc.  It's just heartbreaking.  My heart truly breaks for everyone suffering from IF.  It really is an unspoken disease and I hope by blogging, I have helped even one person <3

The reason for this post is being in this situation, I have no idea what to do.  How would I have wanted my 'IF graduated' friends to act?  Do?  And thinking back, nothing.  Stop emailing me, stop texting/calling and just go about your life until that baby belly is gone and you have a healthy baby.  Somehow, for me, the sting was less when the baby arrived.

The problem with that, is that is just not me.  I'm not one to ignore my IF friends just because I'm pregnant.  I understand they have no desire to hear about my pregnancy and I respect that.
Some people say when you're formerly overweight, you're still the 'fat person' inside (meaning no disrespect), well I'm still the IF girl inside.

I know I just have to realize that life changes and there will be some people that just can't bear to see me/us.  And I totally get it.  I just have a hard time with letting go I guess..These people have gotten me through rough times and I am not one to forget about them.

For now, I must respect their (silent) wishes and let them be, hoping that someday we will reconnect and praying that they will too will experience this gift.  Have faith.

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xo
Cheers

Facelift and Fear

I did a quick update to the background of the blog. The pink was getting to me :-)

Lets talk Fear.

Infertility Fear.  It's never going to happen.  Despite every test, every shot/pill, every RE appointment, it's not going to happen.  Then what?

Pregnancy Fear.  For some..most...probably just some, fear is a part of us every.stinkin'.day.  It.never.goes.away.  My sister said some time ago (oh wise one) that you first fear seeing the initial HB, then it's the 12 week mark, then the 20 week anatomical scan, then the "viable" point in a pregnancy (is it 28 weeks? but that does not ensure quality of life), then birth.  The fear really never goes away.  Back then, I disagreed with her, I believe I said something to the tone of, I just want to hit 12 weeks, now, I 100% agree.  To me, it becomes more so because now you're considered " in the safe zone" and maybe even betting on this actually happening..then if something, God forbid, happens, it's even worse.  I honestly don't know what I would do.  Survive I guess.

People seem to like to share their horrid pregnancy stories of a friends' friend who had issues.  Stillbirths, Scary.  Birth Defects. Scary.  Soo many things can go wrong and for some reason everyone has to tell their horror stories.  Why would you do this I ask myself.  It's depressing to one who already worries about everything from eating Feta to driving (accident!).

So what to do? Take it a day at a time.

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Cheers.

"Lots of people have tried longer than you"

This was said to me the other day.  And it irritated me.   

Some random thoughts about this statement:

~ Yes, I know this.  Really, I do.  We are lucky. We are fortunate and blessed to be where we are.  I also know this and I do.not.for.a.moment. take it for granted.

~ We worked our a**es off with late nights working to make up for Dr appts, lots-o-money (!?!), traveling, emotional heartache every time it didn't work and every time "I didn't respond" to get where we are.  But all in all, for me, getting pregnant was a crap shoot. It just happened to work after 6 tries. Even tho I didn't have the 'optimal' number of follies and the hubby's count was lower than it had been in 6 tries (funny side note: On the day of the IUI, after the hubs count came back, I think we both were disappointed and RE saw this.  He said, as we always say, it makes more room for the winners.  And who'd of thunk it, he was right.)

~IF is a part of me and I'll never "get over it".  It doesn't define me, but it is a part of my life and always will be.

I can't help my feelings, believe me, I try.  I will worry every minute of every day of this pregnancy until I'm fortunate enough to hold that little one in my arms.  Really, I will, but for you my friend, I will pretend it's all sunshine and unicorns and life is grand because, yes, lots of people have tried longer than us.

Cheers to the weekend!

What a difference a year makes..

One year ago today, the hubby and I had our first appointment at Generations.  I can't believe where we are now.  Just goes to show you it can happen.  Have faith.  Truly, I didn't know where this journey would bring us, I had high hopes, but that was just it.

So Believe my friends.  Believe.

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Cheers!

PS Please read the last post on decisions...

Amazing TTC stories

Did you see the story on the Today show of the Illinois grandmother (50) who carried her own grandchild to term? News is she is having a C-section today.  Craziness, how is this even possible.  The daughter had cervical cancer and couldn't carry a child. Dr's were able to save her ovaries, thus her eggs and with IVF, implanted an embryo into her mother.

It's amazing what doctors can do these days.  Heck, Celine Dion carried twins to term at age 42. Now that was after quite a few IVF attempts but still.

You hear stories these amazing stories all the time.. my aunt actually had a natural and healthy pregnancy at 42 (I think...Mom is that right?)

Happiness for Giuliana and Bill who delivered a child via gestational surrogate!  How exciting for them. If you haven't been following their story, Giuliana is an E! news correspondent and via their reality show we watched them struggle with IF, miscarriages and breast cancer.

Shows that we are ageless! If you have the money that is :D

Cheers.

Doubts

After almost 4 years of infertility I still feel like a poser when I say "I'm Pregnant" (well the few times I've said it out loud).   I usually deflect by saying well it's still early so I just hope it sticks or well I hope to make it to the magical 12 week mark.  The hubby hates when I do this.

I just still can't believe it.  I feel like we've been trying for so long that I just feel like this gift is going to be taken away from me.  I can't imagine people who have suffered from IF for longer or who have suffered greater losses, I truly am sorry as it must be heartbreaking. 

I was thinking of things that would have been different had we conceived right away.  I probably would have told everyone right away.  I probably wouldn't feel dread every morning *hoping* this isn't the day I have a miscarriage. I probably wouldn't analyze every single stinkin' cramp, twinge, etc and run to the bathroom praying for no blood (sorry TMI).  I most likely wouldn't have asked a co-worker (in front of a group) if his 3 month old twins were natural or assisted (my filter took a vacation at that moment..I later apologized to him and thankfully he was cool about it).   I don't think I would be this nervous.  I don't think I would have to make myself relaxxx this much.  I would enjoy these early on weeks.

It's a tough road, a road I honestly thought I would never be on. But for today, I am greatly thankful for what I have been given.  Today is a gift.

Cheers to the weekend!

Fertility Diet or no?

Like many IF's I've been to umpteen doctors throughout Journey.  From my normal OB, to second opinions, NP's, 2 REs (one a**hole in GB and our current RE who we love) and finally one Holistic Doc.


Disclaimer: I'm not a doctor and not passing judgment, these opinions are based upon my own experience.  I'm not implying any of these drs are not good at what they do (except, uhhm my least fave RE in Green Bay who will remain nameless..but sounds like Mevarino with an "S")




We are currently with an RE in Madison. We love them. I would recommend to anyone. If you would like any info, please leave a comment.

The Holistic Dr was interesting. It was a 2 hr appt (!!) and $400 later (since insurance doesn't cover it) I left with pamphlets and things I could have researched myself and saved the $400.  Was it good? Um, it was ok, it opened my eyes to some things.

1.  Yoga.  At the time I visited this Dr I was teaching 2 classes a week in addition to trying to get my own practice in.  It just wasn't working, teaching class was becoming work.  So she suggested to free up my schedule at nights, I quit teaching.  Last Aug I quit.

2.  Stress. We all know Stress is the killer of all.  Someone once mentioned to me that babies aren't born in times of war because it's stressful, hence, the body does not perform as it should.  Her solution to decrease stress: Chanting (not for me), closing my day with affirmations (does this remind anyone of Sex & the City?), and CDs I should listen to at night before bed.  Um.. this is just not my thing. Really, I de-stress by working out. So I took this advice in stride.

3.  Acupuncture.  Some women swear by this. Me, not so much.  I did it once ($100/session) and even with relaxing music I couldn't relax.  Fast forward 10 months, I still have a nerve twinge in my left leg where one of the pins was.

4. Healthy Body weight & BMI.  This is the number one most important thing she stressed.  Luckily (with a lot of hard work) I am ok here.

5.  Fertility Diet.  I understand this, but I don't abide by it 100%. Come on now, who doesn't want an oreo every now and then (am I right T?).  And no coffee..forget it unless I am actually pg (note: I went sans coffee for 6 months and obviously it did nothing other than leave me tired!).

I try to eat fresh, non processed foods, but I'm not perfect.  We had pizza & buffalo wings last night and it was delicious.  The main things I get out of the Fertility Diet are to 'eat clean' and supplement with vitamins where you lack.  I know everyone *should* eat a salad a day, but not many actually do it.  I've been reading up on the effect of greens in your diet.


If you are familiar with the Natural Fertility Diet you will know that we emphasize the importance of greens in the diet, making sure to eat one salad a day as well as one dark leafy green vegetable such as kale, spinach, or chard. Leafy greens and vegetables supply the body with important minerals and nutrients. The body needs to have a healthy acid/alkaline balance to function its best. Most diets today are very acidic (full of meat, sugar and white, processed foods) and need to have more fruits and vegetables incorporated into them

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So after having a green smoothie at Yoga last week, I've been trying to make my own.

It's Kale, Collard greens with 2 cups of water (blended). Then add & blend frozen strawberries and pineapple.  It's not bad, really..even tho it looks very green.  Is it helping? Who knows. Is it good for me? Absolutely, so why not.

 At the end of the day, getting pregnant is truly a miracle.

Cheers!

Half empty

I had another post in mind for today, but this has been gnawing at me so decided to post it..

We were out with friends one night last week.  These are friends from my previous job so they know all about everything we've been through and are going through. They have 2 cute little girls and have had no infertility problems.

Night was good, had many a few drinks and before we knew it, it was midnight.  Closing out the night, of course the topic of babies came up.  My friend said something to the effect of 'when' we have babies we'll see how it is (I can't even remember what we were talking about - something about the 'terrible twos' I think).  I said, well we're nearing the end (of our journey) so it's not a 'when' it's an 'if'. To which he quickly responded 'oh I know it will happen'.

There was no ill will, no sadness (at that point), just a statement of a matter of fact.

It may not happen.

On our ride home, I said to the hubby, you know, that was the first time I said it and I felt like I meant it.  This may not happen. The past years, my 'glass half full' personality always thought it would eventually happen (like Ross & Rachel from friends).  He responded 'oh I've thought that for awhile now'. Shocked - - I said what do you mean for awhile.  He said for probably the past year or so.  ....what??  For the past year, he's thought this isn't going to happen. That made me sooo eternally sad.  Sad for him, sad for me, sad for us.  Honestly, it broke my heart.

I feel like this is my fault.  My body is letting us down.  I know, it's not the end of the world...we don't have a terminal illness, we'll get over this, so I am thankful for that.  But at this moment, I'm sad.

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Cheers.

Don't forget where you came from

Since we're all friends here, I can be blunt and totally honest (when am I not?).

I have a few IF friends (friends from Highschool, acquaintances over the years) and 99.9% of them have passed us by and have kids by now.  I've said before, I'm happy for them, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. However, what I can't deal with (and it drives my crazzzzy) is when they forget where they came from. 

We see this in all walks of life, people forget. It's easy to forget, I know this.

The worst: Facebook.  Sure I don't have to look at my home feed, I could ignore it, but then I miss my family's "news" and the cute pics of my niece!

The ultimate worst: an IF friend (who I'm pretty sure doesn't read this, so I can talk about her :D ) who was IF for 1.5 years and now posts baby (now toddler) pics and status updates at least weekly (mostly 2x a week) on FB.  Everything about the baby.  And I get it, she's happy, loving her life (however her emails are all about the complaints of motherhood...complaints I'd gladly take on) but does she have to forget where she came from? Forget her "friends" that are still IF?

Blogging is Therapy.

Have a brilliant weekend!

PS Yesterday was our 6th wedding anniversary.  6 years ago we were with family and close friends on Oppenheimer beach of St John, VI pledging our love

and I wouldn't change a thing <3

Thanks for the advice

Cheers!

Another awkward moment

Our neighborhood just started a neighborhood watch group (yes in this "big" city of WI apparently kids ringing doorbells and running constitutes the need for a neighborhood watch).  Since I'm all about getting to know our neighbors (what if I need help one day when the FD is working a 24 hr shift?) I attended.  Plus the  meeting was across the street from our house and they would see me creeping.

I knew a whopping 4 out of the 25 people that were there.  We've lived in our house for 7 years, now that is just sad.  One reason we keep to ourselves is our neighbors are definitely nosy (or so we've heard from the one couple we talk to), I'm sure they know everything about us, but I'd take a nosy neighbor any day over someone who doesn't care.

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A few houses down from us, is a younger couple with two smallish girls.  When they first moved in, they met the FD and our pup on walks and at the park (we're across the street).  I've seen them before, but have never "met" them.   So I walked up and said hello, I said something to the effect of I've seen you, I believe you met my husband.  Yes, the nosy wife responds.  Literally that's all that was said; she followed her 'Yes' with  'When we first moved in, your husband said you were going to have kids soon, 4 years later you still don't have kids'  <she chuckles>.  I was floored. What? Really? That's an inappropriate comment to make after I just said "hello".. you have no right to jump right past the hellos into our personal life.  So now I'm thinking maybe she has foot in mouth disease or Tourettes.  I respond, 'yes, well we're hoping soon' (trying to be nice thinking we'll move on from this) but she just didn't let it go.  She says 'ya, we had just had our oldest when we first met your husband, and now we have 2' <chuckles again>.  I respond (thinking if you are going to keep prying, all bets are off) 'well we've been trying, it's just not happening'.  She said 'oh, it took us awhile too' (really?? you have 2 in 2 years), but look at us now.  I said 'has it taken you 4 years because we're creeping up on 4 years of trying.  That shut mouthy/nosy up.

Does this sound mean?  Yes it does, but you know what, when you're going to pry when I literally just say hello, I don't even know your name (and still don't), you're going to get the full God honest truth.

We finished with pleasantries (we are neighbors who will see each other again) and went on our merry way.  I told them to stop over for our BBQ next week. Doubt they will, mouthy probably thinks I'm a physco who will steal her children.

The curiosity killed the cat, sometimes people don't know when to stop and catch me on a bad day, well I am not responsible for my actions.

Cheers to the weekend. xo

Fun at a BBQ

Hello and Happy Monday.

Hope you all had a fantastic weekend! (I feel more positive already.. ok maybe not but I'm trying :P )

We went to a BBQ this past weekend.   Thankfully I brought own bottle of this

The BBQ is an annual event for a fellow IF couple.  They married in their late 30's, had 2 miscarriages and decided to "stop trying" and live life to the fullest. Childless.  They would be SUCH good parents. Really, my heart aches for them.  I sometimes see our future in them.

I stood around with the wives, aka mothers, and the discussion was mainly about news of what was going on in their kids lives.  Which I get, really I do.  I know I'm overly hormonal sensitive.  I obviously have nothing to contribute so I just drank was silent, laughing at the latest story.  Enter a girl from my hometown. She's sweet but verrry dramatic.  She was talking about giving birth and how terrible it was (telling her birth story for the 3rd time that night) and how men should carry the babies. I may have been rude  slightly tipsy  said something to the fact that my dream is to carry a baby to term.  Then came the pity looks, the "it'll happens" (as they all know our history).  I know I brought it on myself. I should have stayed silent.

In instances like this what do you do? Stay silent? Walk away?  For me, there was really nowhere to go. and the more I drink, the more I get louddddd and fiesty

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All in all it was a good night.  I laughed it off and they continued to talk and I continued to drink.  Luckily we left early :D

Cheers!

Baby bellies part deux

If you remember my last post on baby bellies, this one is not any better. So I apologize in advance if this offends you or someone you know but this is my blog and if you don't like it, move on.

 source  (this reminds me of my cousin who I love and who offered to be our surrogate..another post for another day xo)

I bought a Living Social deal for Yoga back in Dec and sadly time has passed so quickly that it expires in a month!  So I finally made it to class last night. and Boy, do I wish I would have stayed home.

I walked in 2 min late, usually not a big deal. Got an evil look from the instructor (supposedly the "guru" of Yoga in this area) as I quickly set up in the first place that I saw.  ...Next to a very pregnant girl (we'll call her J). Augh. (I know life could be worse, but apparently it's a pity party for me this week)

At first I thought, oh how cute, she's probably 6 mo's along and still practicing active Yoga.

Then came the comments between her and the instructor that made me want to scream/cry/leave: "J shouldn't do this" and "J because you just finished a marathon (what?!!) I know you are strong and can do this"  then "J lets work on your hammies" and finally "J the babies head is down, lets try to work on that and opening your hips for delivery in 2 months".

J came back with comments as such:  "Well I still fit in my pre-pg jeans" followed by "I can't do that b/c of all the running I'm doing" and more comments like "running is my thing, yoga comes second so this is tough for me, the belly is in the way"  blah blah blah.

It was 2 hours of friendly exchanges.  I almost walked out 2 moments in class. The first one was after the above where she said the belly was in the way. You don't know how lucky you are.

This studio is new-to-me so I did not know the instructor, but I must have had a sad/mad/sad face on because towards the end when I was thinking of walking out (again) she came over to me and asked if everything was ok. oops, guess I wear my heart on my yoga sleeve.

 For those of you who are not IF, it probably seems like I am making a mountain out of a mole hill as they say.  But honestly, you have NO idea how hard this is and the emotional roller coaster we go through. This was definitely a down slope for me.

**

On the Up! Tonight I'm going to another Yoga class at my favvvv studio for a workshop called "yoga and chocolate".  Could life get any better.. yoga and chocolate.. well maybe if wine we're involved.

Cheers to the weekend. and I promise to *try* to make next week a positive om week.
xo

Memorial Day obstacles

Happy - late - Memorial Day.  Help me in celebrating the lives of those lost and praising the ones that fight every day for this fine country. 

**

FD (the hubby) and I decided to go for a bike ride on Memorial Day morning.  

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Somehow it was not what we had expected...

Left the house around 9 and ran into the Memorial Day parade (guess we've never been in town for the parade as we had no idea it was going on..and how large of an event it was).  We could not get through the crowds (and decided against riding with the parade) so we decided to wait... 1 1/2 long hours.. until the parade was finished.  While we were waiting (feeling underdressed in our bike shorts - which if you know what they look like are not made to be worn off the bike) I looked around at the crowd.  Kids. Lots of kids. It is a parade I suppose.  And I had a 'sad for me' moment. Beneath my sunglasses there were a few tears. I always pictured us with a little one in tow in their cute little Memorial Day - red, white and blue - outfit.  I always think, maybe at this time next year... and for the past 3 years I've been sadly disappointed.  I said to FD, I thought I'd be pg by now. He simply said I know honey. And we left it at that. 

We continued on our trek and found an older older dog wandering down the trail (in the 90 degree heat btw).  We're animal people, we just couldn't leave him. We stopped, tried to find the owner, to no avail, gave him some water, and called animal control.  As we were about 50 ft from a busy street, it was unsafe for him to be wandering.  The police were speedy and the officer thought he knew where this dog 'lived' and put him in the back of his car and drove off. I'm hopeful that he found the owner, but sad that no one was looking for him!

We continued on.. Despite the obstacles, we had a nice ride.  The weather was gorgeous. 

As we're on our way back we see a pg teenager-ish girl and guy walking towards us..SMOKING. Really?? This just infuriates me to no end.  She has been given a gift and she poisons it with smoke. Augh. I *may have* said loudly as we passed "is she pregnant and smoking?!" and I hoped they were not the violent type to come after me with a weapon.  I'm still here, so it's all good. 

Cheers!  

Here's how it went down

Me: Hi, just calling to report CD1
Kim: Ah I'm sorry (they always throw in the pity sigh (*sigh*).  They mean well.
Me: well I didn't expect much being on BC and all.
Kim: Oh ya (apparently she didn't read my chart before returning my call).
Me: What are our options?
Kim: Dr G wants to see you on Day 3 to assess your cysts. Lets hope they stayed away.
Me: If only I were so lucky (ha ha).  If I can't make it in Day 2 or 3 do we have any other options? (unfortunately work is crazzzy and I just can't get a away. huge bummer.)
Kim: Unfortunately no since we'd start meds on CD3.
Me: Ok, since I can't come in would I stay on BC for another cycle (*please say no please say no*)?
Kim: (asks Dr G) Nope, you could try on your own this cycle then call us next cycle if it doesn't happen.
Me: *chuckles* ya, cause that's worked out for us these past 40 months. ha ha
Kim: well be positive, you never know.
Me: True, miracles happen every day.

Yes, I suppose they do.  However, miracles don't happen to me every day, this sh** happens to me every day.

Cheers to the lonnng weekend. Any plans?

The Lone Rangers

The last of my "old" aka highschool friends had her baby. While I'm soo glad she was able to carry safely and to term, I'm so eternally sad on the inside. We were one of the first in our "group" to get married.  Not that that means anything what so ever.

While I thank my lucky stars (and God) every day for the wonderful man I married, I'm so sad that I can't give him a child.

Blah blah blah, it's no ones fault, etc, yes I know this, but I still feel responsible as it's my body.

I dread the next get together where everyone will have their little ones and we will be the slightly tipsy Lone Rangers with many cocktails.  I probably won't go as it just makes me too sad.  One on one isn't bad, so I will make an effort to see everyone and meet their children, but the group thing would just about kill me.  Not enough wine/vodka in the world to get me through it.

Therapy. Blog Therapy.

Cheers!

Fertility Update: Finally!

I am rounding the last few days of my second round of birth control and I am ecstatic to be DONE!

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I always said that after we had a child (If we were fortunate enough) I would go back on BC.  I always said I didn't want a surprise pg in my 40s.

Now that I've been on BC for 2 months, I'm not so sure.  I've mentioned before how terrible I feel.. moody, cranky, bloated, the list goes on and on. Basically I just don't feel like myself.  I'm not sure if my body would get used to it again and I'd feel fine (or if I tried a different pill) but I just don't know. I feel terrible and the extra few lbs just aren't going away (Despite running and running and running....jk).

I am on CD32 which is totally strange for me. I'm usually a clockwork 26/27 day kind of girl.  You might be thinking maybe you should take a pg test.  I know I probably should, many people have gotten pg on BC, but I'm not sure I can take the "Not pregnant" result yet another time (and I'm not sure I want to waste a $10 test when I'm 99.9% positive it's not positive).  I highly doubt I am pg, I think my body is trying to regulate back to "normal" ..whatever that is.

**

We went to dinner last night with friends and I overheard this conversation between two business men (why can't I ever get away from it??).

BM1 (business man 1): Ya, no luck, she's been praying and praying and it's just not happening.
BM2: oh man that sucks..
BM1: ya, something with her right ovary, it's not producing eggs or something like that.  She started going to a specialist....

and I took a large swig of wine and promptly stopped eavesdropping.  I'm not sure how my ears even perked up to that, what made me start listening to that conversation??

Just another reminder we're not alone.

**

Cheers!

Need a break

There's been a lot going on in (my) blog world.  Many people have had announcements (both good and bad), many have expanded their blogging topics (especially when they get pg) and a few have stepped away.

So my question is has blogging (any, all, not just IF related) made us more or less better off.

Better off: Blogging is a community.  There are even events just for Bloggers.   Depending on what type of blogs you're involved in, they usually make you feel less alone, you feel you 'know' these people.  They are your 'friends'. They will help you if you're looking for answers.

Not so much: These people are usually all around the world and seldom is there face to face interaction. Specifically fertility related.. When someone leaves the IF group (whether it be by choice or if they are pg) the remaining ones feel mixed emotions, especially when/if they do have success.  Happy for them if they do get pg finally..after months..years.. but sad as we're the ones remaining.  The lone survivors on the island of IF's.

I choose to report the good and bad news. I wish life was all "rainbows and unicorns" but it's just not.

I go both ways on blogging.  I feel if I can help one person feel less alone I am making a difference.  But selfishly, I feel an obligation to my blog and readers (if there are any out there??).  Sometimes I don't feel like blogging but feel like I have to so I don't let you down.  It's especially hard when I have NO IF news to tell you.  I feel like I've failed. and I just can't take another failure. 

It's a tough road really.  I've been blogging daily (well weekdays that is) for a few months now, and 2 of them have been non IF related as I'm still on birth control.  and I think I need a break...I mean, I'm no writer, I crunch numbers :-)   

I'll definitely keep you bloggies up to date (at the least weekly - more if we have IF news), but it won't be daily. At least for the summer, because right now I feel a little like this

Working at 10pm on a weeknight (especially when you started at 7am) is just not right! 

Cheers, thanks for reading :-)

The dreaded Mothers Day

The month of May brings along a lot of exciting things. Spring..Summer is near..May flowers.. and (gulp) Mothers Day.

Happy Mothers Day to those Mothers out there. Happy Mothers Day to my own Madre who is always just a phone call away <3

To IF's it's the dreaded holiday.  The yearly reminder that another year passes and we are still not mothers.  For me personally, I am no closer than I was 3.5+ years ago.  In fact I feel like we've taken 10 steps back (ya know, the birth control and all).  I yearn for the day I can be celebrated as a mother.  But, sadly, it may not happen.  I may just be mother to a fur-child (or two maybe).

We work for things in life.  Work for a living, work for our bodies (whatever size/shape that may be), work for our relationships (friends, family, spouses), everybody's working for the weekend, why can't we work toward a baby (knowing there is an end in sight).  I feel like I/we work and work and work at it to no avail.  I am just now paying off IUI #4 (which was cancelled) and it's 2 months later. That sucks.

How can it be that even Snookie, my fav Jersey Shore cast member will become a mother.  It's a strange thing really.  I see it daily, people that shouldn't be mothers, but somehow God has given them this gift.

I don't know the reasons why and I really try not to question it, but man, sometimes it's hard. Life is hard.  We can't choose what happens to us however we can choose our attitude.  I choose to be happy. No matter what.  I choose to make the most of what I've been given. I'm so lucky in so many ways.  I choose happiness.

Cheers!