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Hello and Welcome! We are just another couple struggling with infertility but having fun and trying to enjoy the journey.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

The Ride Home

So I think I left off with the ride home from IUI#6...

To say I was sad from the day is an ultimate understatement. The whole ride home I think I had tears underneath my sunglasses.  I'm thankful for the sunglasses as the hubby (of course) hates to see me cry.   I know I know, I literally just left the office from the IUI and I'm already planning that it didn't take.  But I am a realist, we have a 1 in 5 chance it will take.

SO much went through my mind.  What if this is it.  What if this is our last shot.  Should we do IVF even tho we've already "decided" against it.  Would he want to try IVF...Would I? We have a short time window, it's now or never.

I felt like I was rolling in a dryer full of ideas.

So I just spit it out. I might want to do IVF. What the whhhhhhat?  IF this is truly our last shot, maybe I do want to try it.  The hubby, so supportive (how lucky am I??), said I'll do whatever you want to do.  But I don't want him to be supportive, I want him to want it too.  And I'm not sure if he does.  The part that makes him (and I) hesitate is the money aspect of it.

So we left it at that.  We'll talk to Dr L and see what he has to offer.

Cheers.  I must try to remember this...

Monday, July 30, 2012

IUI #6: Done!

All went well.  But I don't feel very good about this one.

We arrived at the clinic early.  The hubby did his thing then we went to breakfast relieved, the challenging part was over.  Decided to go back to the clinic early since they had a busy day and they were hoping to get us in early.  Ended up sitting in the waiting room for a 1/2 hr people watching.  The clinic is usually pretty quiet. Today it was like a zoo.

One of the couples coming out of the office was pregnant. With twins.  They carried a Generations CD, ultrasound pics and two little Generations onesies to the front desk.  I became the green eyed monster of envy and sadness. Right there in the lobby, I sat with tears streaming down.  Luckily everyone was congratulating them and reviewing the ultrasounds so no one noticed.

We finally went in and all went smoothly.  Our RE was nice, as always, calm, as always.  And said, as he always does, good luck and hope to see you back in two weeks. Shakes our hands and leaves.  So I "take position" (sitting upside down on the table with the pillow under my booty and my legs up) and the hubby starts playing with the stethoscope.

*Knock knock* before I have time to even put my legs down (still undressed from the waist down btw) our RE comes back in.  He looks where my head should be, then confused sees us looking odd and fumbles his words and says 'of course we're hoping for the best, but *IF* this cycle doesn't work we need to meet and discuss our options.'    Then he promptly leaves.

I don't know why but this just hit me.  I'm not sure if it was seeing the pg girl in the lobby, then having this thrown at me but I became very sad and the waterworks started once again.

So.this.is.it.  This is our last shot.  I'm guessing he's going to suggest IVF as our next best shot since my wonky body just doesn't seem to want to get pregnant.

The ride home was interesting.  More to come...


Friday, July 27, 2012

Happy Birthday Mama!

May you...

Thanks for being a great mom, friend and positive role model <3

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Breaking Down

Most of the time I'm able to shrug off sad stories/experiences...while it makes my heart ache, I try to think of the positive side of things, I try to think of the glass half full.  Last night, I just couldn't.

I've been *trying* to think positive, have hope about IUI#6.  Really, all has went well so far, so why shouldn't I?  Then the hubby said that his friend (and wife) wished us luck for this round.  He said they wished us luck as they had also done 4 IUIs with no luck.  And.they.have.no.baby.today.  

I am a realist. I know that we only have a 20% chance each time we try another round.  I know the odds are against us. So why did this hit me so hard?  I literally had to force away tears.  The hubby went to bed and I watched tv on the couch as I couldn't shake it off.

This couple is amazing.  They are great people, have an awesome relationship, great jobs, a great house, they literally jet off to Paris for the weekend.  I see us in this couple.  While eventually, I would be okay childless (as if I had a choice) and I do love to travel, this made my heart sad.

I still, 12 hrs later, can't shake this off.  Is it a sign that I need start thinking of us as a childless couple?

Idk what to think.  Today, I am sad. Not very good timing.


PS Happy Birthday T, thank you for always being a constant friend and sista <3

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Adversities make you stronger

I remember after the first year of TTC, I did a lot of research.  And by research, I mean I read lots of blogs on people's experiences with IUIs, IVFs, etc.  I of course read  Taking Charge of your Fertility and The Fertility Diet.  I had discussions with friends on TTC and their IUI/IVF journeys.

In all of this, I remember thinking I could never go through the emotional journey of IUI/IVF so many times.  I thought I didn't have time to go to Dr visits each month for CD3, CD10 then the procedure.  I remember thinking, well if it's meant to be, then it will happen naturally. 

Now here we are on IUI#6.  And still no baby... 

I've been trying to think what I've learned from all of this and here's what I came up with:

~You always have time if you want something bad enough.  You can make time. I thought I was sooo busy, I didn't have time for the important things.  Family.

~I need to slow down.  My mom mentioned this to me last week, and it is true. I need to learn to slow down and take a breath.  One thing that really helps me is Yoga. Need.more.Yoga.

(Outside Yoga on the deck in DT GB)

~Infertility can make or break a relationship. Thankfully, for us, it has made ours.  We laugh (most of the time) about our Infertility and my wonky ovaries.  We are still able to smile when we walk in our RE's office (vs. the (rightly so) scowl many people have..tho I feel like this a lot of days..).

~And Finally. You are stronger than you think.

"Adversities make you mad, they make you sad, they literally break you down, but if you fight through them, they make you stronger, sharper and more motivated."
   Lolo Jones, U.S. record holder for the 60-meter hurdles


Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Keep it Simple

I'm sure I'm not alone here, but I tend to overthink things.  Especially in our TTC journey and how I deal with it..deal with others..deal with others giving advice or judging.

Life is Simple, lets keep it that way <3


Monday, July 23, 2012

Drum roll please....


CD10 Ultrasound: 
Follies: 2 - 14 and 17 (both on the right)
Lining: 7.6 (5-7 is optimal)


On CD10, we were supposed to leave the house by 5:30 am to get to Madison on time.  We woke up at 5:22. EEK!  Quick shower, brush teeth, grab coffee and we were out the door by 5:45.  Luckily we had no traffic (think someone was watching over us) and got to our RE 10 min early. Whew.

There's a new RE at Generations who did our CD10 ultrasound and we really liked her.  She's young, easy to talk to.  She specializes in robotic assisted surgery. How cool is that?

She looked at the left side first. She said, the left is taking a siesta, lets try the right. It took me a minute to figure out what she said (as usually there is no joking when this is done... but it was funny and lightened the mood), but then I was nervous as it was all up to righty!  Then she read off the right side and said 'looks great'. (YAY, whew!)

My lining is okay. Yes, it's better than the "optimal" but not as good as IUI#5 where I still didn't get pregnant.

I asked her about the positive pg test last month and she said (like I thought she would) that it actually happens more than you think and they don't prescribe progesteron unless one has multiple miscarriages and positive (pg) blood tests.  So, I guess it was worth the question even tho I knew the answer.  I was *hoping* there was something else I could do...besides wait.


IUI day is scheduled for this week (YAYY) and it's a good day.  It's my sisters birthday (YAY!) and it's the feast day of St Anne.    St Anne is the patron saint of all mothers, St Anne was the mother of Mary.

Maybe this is it.  I'm *hoping*... grasping at straws here...but I believe there are signs everywhere and there is a plan for all of us. OK done on the religious front <3

SO I'm hopeful everything goes ok with the IUI and I'm hopeful that it leads to a healthy, happy baby.  Positive thinking.



Friday, July 20, 2012



I'm in the UP working, visiting with family, so I'm off of regularly scheduled blogging... also not much IF-wise to write about.

Still in the hopes for IUI#6, currently on Tamoxifen, Estrace and hoping for good results on CD10.  I will have CD10 ultrasound results next week - so stay tuned.

and be sure to have a great weekend <3 Enjoy your family, family is everything <3


Wednesday, July 18, 2012

IUI #6

Throughout our journey, I try to think, what have I learned in all of this?  What is the reason for this struggle.  Everything happens for a reason? Nope.

(I know I just posted this, but it's appropriate again).

Nothing worth having isn't worth fighting for.  I truly believe this.


Our options for IUI#6 are the following (1) try naturally for next few months (Aug/Sept are uber busy, so the next time we could do another procedure would be Oct)  (2) Follow IUI#5 (same drugs) as we had good results with me and the hubby or (3) be more aggressive with fertility drugs (hybrid (oral and injection) vs. just oral meds) and more monitoring in the hopes of getting more follicles (eggs).

We carefully weighed our options.  July is super busy for me workwise.  We debated waiting until Oct, but we aren't getting any younger and I hate to 'waste' 3 months just because I'm too busy.  This is our top priority at this point in our lives.  So we had to decide between 2 and 3.  In talking to our nurse, she said she would do option 2 as 3 just brings up the costs and really we had 'perfect' results with IUI#5, it just "didn't take" as she put it.  So we chose option 2.

IUI#6 will mirror IUI#5 (hopefully with better results).  Except I don't need an ultrasound on CD3 because the cyst is pretty much gone (yay).   Lets *hope* a new cyst doesn't appear and cancel our cycle.

Cheers to IUI#6!

Sunday, July 15, 2012


So this is what it feels like to see that BFP and 'feel' pregnant.  For.a.day.  Yep, one day I got a BFP, the next day AF arrived.


Guess I got my answer on whether to take an early pg test.  Never again because this felt like a kick in the gut.  Literally.

Roll back to the day I got the BFP. I was so excited. I was alone (hubby works 24 hr shifts) so I hid the test until I could 'reveal' it to him.  I went for a slow, leisurely walk/run and thought of the ways we'd tell our parents/family.  I got back and the hubby had just gotten home.  I said something to the effect of not being able to do wine and sushi that night.  He asked why, then I showed him the positive test.  He was floored, actually took it from my hand and examined it (and later he said he took a picture of it but deleted it when AF arrived :(  ).  We were both excited but nervous.  I even, like a novice, took a picture of the positive test with a calendar in the *hopes* that it would lead to a healthy happy baby.

We have never gotten a BFP in our 3.5 yrs of trying.  But, I know better than this. Really, I do.  I see those people who announce it on Facebook only to have to retract it later.  I see those people who have their hearts broken.

This BFP would have been the first step in the looong 9 months of worry.  A lot of pregnancies end in heartbreaking miscarriage.  But I, *trying* to be positive, was really thinking, this is it, our 3.5 yrs of waiting has paid off.

Then BAM like a bomb our dreams were shattered.  And I.am.so.sad.

I can relate to Jack Osborne, when he was quoted as saying "God looked down and said too much good, need bad".  We are so lucky in so many ways, but we struggle with this.


On a positive note, we're not done yet. We Won't Go Down Without A Fight.  In talking to a nurse at our RE's office, I most likely had a chemical pregnancy, which is actually a good thing.  The egg met the sperm (Yay!), now we just need it to stick.

So onto IUI#6. oye



Friday, July 13, 2012

To Test or not to Test..

I still have days until the 2WW is over.  Agonizing days where I try to go on with my life and not think about it, but really, it's all I think about.  I shouldn't run in the heat, just in case.  I shouldn't have more than one cup of coffee, just in case.  I shouldn't drink my favorite 3:00 beverage, Vodka Diet Coke, just in case (but I do anyway).  Research shows it doesn't matter (for most people) what you do in that 2WW.   Either it has/will happen, or not.

So the question is, do I test early and risk a false negative (and sadness..and stress...and debating when to try IUI#6) or just wait.

Patience is a virtue I do not have.


I also hate to waste a $10 test for nothing.  These tests are not cheap! Well, lets be honest, nothing about this process is cheap (for us). So what's $10 more dollars.

I know some people test daily starting 7 DPO (Days past ovulation) up until AF's predicted arrival.  I guess the double line (in certain pregnancy tests) should get darker and darker each day.  While this is great for some people, giving them peace of mind, it's not for me.  I think it would give me false hope.

So do I test early or wait...  What to do....

BTW Today is Friday the 13th. I think I'll skip testing today :D

Cheers to the weekend!


Thursday, July 12, 2012


I feel I've become a hater.  I'll get back to this.

The Reunion was ok.  Not as bad as I expected, actually everything went off without a hitch.  We had an ok turnout, there were the same girls that always show to these things. The ones that look at you and judge.  I stayed far away from them. However, as one of them is my beloved relative, I know they now know my situation.  And I hate her for that.

Hate is a strong word.  I hate that I'm a hater.

I hate when I see someone on FB pregnant.  Especially when they have 'had problems' (aka have probably been TTC for a year) and they've left the IF group.

 I hate that I have to hide from friends with new babies because I don't want to hang with them and ohh and ahh for them.  But I love holding babies.

I hate that I hate pregnant bellies.  At the reunion there were 4 pregnant girls (yes I counted in between Vodka/Waters). I (internally) hated them too.  But I played the part and said my 'congrats' and 'you look great.'

I wish I wasn't feeling this way and I wish I had a way to get past this.

I don't want to be a hater forever.

Any tips IFs?


Monday, July 9, 2012

IUI questions

I've had a few people ask about the IUI process, what it is exactly, the odds, the actual procedure, etc. So thought I'd do a post on IUIs.

Per the American Pregnancy Association:

Intrauterine insemination (IUI) is a procedure that involves placing sperm inside a woman’s uterus to facilitate fertilization. This fertility treatment does not involve the manipulation of a woman’s eggs, and therefore is not considered an assisted reproductive technology (ART) procedure.

Basically, sperm from the hubby is washed (to separate the sperm from the seminal fluid and to eliminate the bad or non-motile sperm from the good healthy ones), and placed in a medium in a vile.  A catheter is placed in my uterus and the sperm are pushed in through a syringe.  Hopefully egg(s) (in a normal woman, usually one egg a month is released. With fertility drugs we're hoping for 2 or 3) are released (you never really know through an IUI as on IUI day no ultrasound is performed (and eggs are to small to be seen anyway) and travel down the fallopian tubes where the sperm are anxiously awaiting.

 Hopefully egg and sperm meet, fertilize and embed in the lining.

Odds are not as good as doing IVF:

In Vitro Fertilization is commonly referred to as IVF. IVF is the process of fertilization by manually combining an egg and sperm in a laboratory dish. When the IVF procedure is successful, the process is combined with a procedure known as embryo transfer, which involves physically placing the embryo in the uterus.

Per Generations (Our RE (Reproductive Endrocrinologst)) Odds for an IUI are roughly 20%, IVF 50%.  Though odds vary based up your personal factors and how aggressive the RE is.

Costs: Costs are much lower for an IUI (for us ~$3k a time (including drugs, the ultrasounds and the procedure)) vs. IVF (from $15-20k depending on your clinic).

We chose IUI as nothing is "medically" wrong with us.  $3k a pop is much easier to swallow than $15-20k if it doesn't take.  IVF is typically geared more for those with diagnosed problems or those wanting to be more aggressive.  If we had all the money and time in the world we probably would have went with IVF, but we're realists here. Despite our best efforts, none of these procedures may work.

So there it is in a nutshell. Any questions?

Disclaimer: I am not a medical doctor, this is my knowledge from research, doctor visits and personal experiences.


Thursday, July 5, 2012

A Reunion of Sorts

One of the worst times in an IF's life is visiting old 'friends' and getting the kid questions and IF I decide to open up, the "it will happen" and "Everything happens for a reason"


Are they really friends if they know nothing about what we've been through in the past 3.5+ years?

This year marks <gulp> 15 years since I graduated highschool.  How did I get here?? 15 years is a lonnnng time. Normally I'm not one to attend reunions, they are just not my thing.  I talk to everyone through various medias and don't care to play the measuring game. However this year, I somehow got sucked into planning it..mostly because it's at my family's place of business.  I can't really get out of it.

While I know the hubby and I have a pretty sweet life, good jobs, happy marriage, we try to travel like it's going out of style, you know the one thing everyone has that we don't: a cute little one in tow. And these are the events I dread.

What will the reunion bring... time will tell.  Until then, I'll be spending the holiday week with family and not with all my 'friends' and their babies...since we are the lone rangers, the ones left childless.


Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Odds & Ends - Green Smoothie video

Remember my post on the Fertility Diet/"Clean eating" and my new (to me) green smoothie?

Take a look at a segment from the Today Show:

Now I don't add protein, as I get enough from other sources, but it can't hurt if you're low.


Totally different topic: Who's excited about the Olympics?  <raises hand> Me me!  I love the Gymnastics, I can't believe how talented these girls are.. Poor Nastia falling from the Uneven bars both Fri and Sun. Tho can't feel too bad for her, she did win the all around Gold 4 years ago in Beijing (Yes I'm a dork who remembers all of this).

I'm so excited to actually watch this years' games as 4 years ago I was studying and only watched the snippets before bed!


Monday, July 2, 2012

IUI #5


I'm happy to say everything went perfect. *Almost* too perfect.  However the last 2 (actual IUI's) also went off without a hitch and still no BFP so I'm cautiously optimistic.  That's my phrase for this one.

While in Madison, we decided to take our minds of off things and go to the Farmers Market.


It was crazzzy.  I thought we were pretty early and would beat the crowds but no such luck.  It's really a great experience.  Vendors form a square around the Capitol.  We thought it would be better if they closed the streets and opened it up (It was on the sidewalk and really cramped as more and more people arrived).  We both thought it was great to be a part of the Madison experience for the day but something we would only do again if we were super early (like 7 am early). 

The Madison Farmers Market is the largest producer-only Farmers' market in the US.


We bought lots of (cheap!) produce..enough for a week of green smoothies, and expensive - but farm raised, grass fed - meats.  But we're more than happy to support the local farmers..especially with the season they have had.


So now begins the infamous 2WW (2 week wait).  It's gonna be a loooong two weeks.