Hello and Welcome!

Hello and Welcome! We are just another couple struggling with infertility but having fun and trying to enjoy the journey.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Memorial Day obstacles

Happy - late - Memorial Day.  Help me in celebrating the lives of those lost and praising the ones that fight every day for this fine country. 

FD (the hubby) and I decided to go for a bike ride on Memorial Day morning.  

Somehow it was not what we had expected...

Left the house around 9 and ran into the Memorial Day parade (guess we've never been in town for the parade as we had no idea it was going on..and how large of an event it was).  We could not get through the crowds (and decided against riding with the parade) so we decided to wait... 1 1/2 long hours.. until the parade was finished.  While we were waiting (feeling underdressed in our bike shorts - which if you know what they look like are not made to be worn off the bike) I looked around at the crowd.  Kids. Lots of kids. It is a parade I suppose.  And I had a 'sad for me' moment. Beneath my sunglasses there were a few tears. I always pictured us with a little one in tow in their cute little Memorial Day - red, white and blue - outfit.  I always think, maybe at this time next year... and for the past 3 years I've been sadly disappointed.  I said to FD, I thought I'd be pg by now. He simply said I know honey. And we left it at that. 

We continued on our trek and found an older older dog wandering down the trail (in the 90 degree heat btw).  We're animal people, we just couldn't leave him. We stopped, tried to find the owner, to no avail, gave him some water, and called animal control.  As we were about 50 ft from a busy street, it was unsafe for him to be wandering.  The police were speedy and the officer thought he knew where this dog 'lived' and put him in the back of his car and drove off. I'm hopeful that he found the owner, but sad that no one was looking for him!

We continued on.. Despite the obstacles, we had a nice ride.  The weather was gorgeous. 

As we're on our way back we see a pg teenager-ish girl and guy walking towards us..SMOKING. Really?? This just infuriates me to no end.  She has been given a gift and she poisons it with smoke. Augh. I *may have* said loudly as we passed "is she pregnant and smoking?!" and I hoped they were not the violent type to come after me with a weapon.  I'm still here, so it's all good. 


Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Freedom is not Free


Thank you to all those who help serve and protect. And hugs to their families <3


Friday, May 25, 2012

Here's how it went down

Me: Hi, just calling to report CD1
Kim: Ah I'm sorry (they always throw in the pity sigh (*sigh*).  They mean well.
Me: well I didn't expect much being on BC and all.
Kim: Oh ya (apparently she didn't read my chart before returning my call).
Me: What are our options?
Kim: Dr G wants to see you on Day 3 to assess your cysts. Lets hope they stayed away.
Me: If only I were so lucky (ha ha).  If I can't make it in Day 2 or 3 do we have any other options? (unfortunately work is crazzzy and I just can't get a away. huge bummer.)
Kim: Unfortunately no since we'd start meds on CD3.
Me: Ok, since I can't come in would I stay on BC for another cycle (*please say no please say no*)?
Kim: (asks Dr G) Nope, you could try on your own this cycle then call us next cycle if it doesn't happen.
Me: *chuckles* ya, cause that's worked out for us these past 40 months. ha ha
Kim: well be positive, you never know.
Me: True, miracles happen every day.

Yes, I suppose they do.  However, miracles don't happen to me every day, this sh** happens to me every day.

Cheers to the lonnng weekend. Any plans?

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

The Lone Rangers

The last of my "old" aka highschool friends had her baby. While I'm soo glad she was able to carry safely and to term, I'm so eternally sad on the inside. We were one of the first in our "group" to get married.  Not that that means anything what so ever.

While I thank my lucky stars (and God) every day for the wonderful man I married, I'm so sad that I can't give him a child.

Blah blah blah, it's no ones fault, etc, yes I know this, but I still feel responsible as it's my body.

I dread the next get together where everyone will have their little ones and we will be the slightly tipsy Lone Rangers with many cocktails.  I probably won't go as it just makes me too sad.  One on one isn't bad, so I will make an effort to see everyone and meet their children, but the group thing would just about kill me.  Not enough wine/vodka in the world to get me through it.

Therapy. Blog Therapy.


Monday, May 21, 2012

Fertility Update: Finally!

I am rounding the last few days of my second round of birth control and I am ecstatic to be DONE!


I always said that after we had a child (If we were fortunate enough) I would go back on BC.  I always said I didn't want a surprise pg in my 40s.

Now that I've been on BC for 2 months, I'm not so sure.  I've mentioned before how terrible I feel.. moody, cranky, bloated, the list goes on and on. Basically I just don't feel like myself.  I'm not sure if my body would get used to it again and I'd feel fine (or if I tried a different pill) but I just don't know. I feel terrible and the extra few lbs just aren't going away (Despite running and running and running....jk).

I am on CD32 which is totally strange for me. I'm usually a clockwork 26/27 day kind of girl.  You might be thinking maybe you should take a pg test.  I know I probably should, many people have gotten pg on BC, but I'm not sure I can take the "Not pregnant" result yet another time (and I'm not sure I want to waste a $10 test when I'm 99.9% positive it's not positive).  I highly doubt I am pg, I think my body is trying to regulate back to "normal" ..whatever that is.


We went to dinner last night with friends and I overheard this conversation between two business men (why can't I ever get away from it??).

BM1 (business man 1): Ya, no luck, she's been praying and praying and it's just not happening.
BM2: oh man that sucks..
BM1: ya, something with her right ovary, it's not producing eggs or something like that.  She started going to a specialist....

and I took a large swig of wine and promptly stopped eavesdropping.  I'm not sure how my ears even perked up to that, what made me start listening to that conversation??

Just another reminder we're not alone.



Thursday, May 17, 2012

Need a break

There's been a lot going on in (my) blog world.  Many people have had announcements (both good and bad), many have expanded their blogging topics (especially when they get pg) and a few have stepped away.

So my question is has blogging (any, all, not just IF related) made us more or less better off.

Better off: Blogging is a community.  There are even events just for Bloggers.   Depending on what type of blogs you're involved in, they usually make you feel less alone, you feel you 'know' these people.  They are your 'friends'. They will help you if you're looking for answers.

Not so much: These people are usually all around the world and seldom is there face to face interaction. Specifically fertility related.. When someone leaves the IF group (whether it be by choice or if they are pg) the remaining ones feel mixed emotions, especially when/if they do have success.  Happy for them if they do get pg finally..after months..years.. but sad as we're the ones remaining.  The lone survivors on the island of IF's.

choose to report the good and bad news. I wish life was all "rainbows and unicorns" but it's just not.

I go both ways on blogging.  I feel if I can help one person feel less alone I am making a difference.  But selfishly, I feel an obligation to my blog and readers (if there are any out there??).  Sometimes I don't feel like blogging but feel like I have to so I don't let you down.  It's especially hard when I have NO IF news to tell you.  I feel like I've failed. and I just can't take another failure. 

It's a tough road really.  I've been blogging daily (well weekdays that is) for a few months now, and 2 of them have been non IF related as I'm still on birth control.  and I think I need a break...I mean, I'm no writer, I crunch numbers :-)   

I'll definitely keep you bloggies up to date (at the least weekly - more if we have IF news), but it won't be daily. At least for the summer, because right now I feel a little like this

Working at 10pm on a weeknight (especially when you started at 7am) is just not right! 

Cheers, thanks for reading :-)

Monday, May 14, 2012

This week..

is a busy week and I decided I'm going to post a "Pin" a day. No words, no IF thoughts, just pins.

So for today

PS It's getting to be that time again, AF is nearing, I will have fertility news for you soon. Stay tuned!

Friday, May 11, 2012

Fab Five Friday

I stole borrowed this idea from Reads Recipes Runs. Since I still have nothing fertility related to tell you about I'll give you some fun, light reading on Five Fab finds.

1.  Bic Bands
I know I've mentioned these before but I really swear by these.  They really do stay in place through a run and keep the stray hairs from my sweat filled head eyes.  And to top it off, the owners are great. I'm a huge fan of "keeping it local" and buying from a small business vs. the Walmarts (sorry if your a chain conglomerate supporter) of the world.  For some reason my recent order was misplaced.  I emailed and they were awesome, apologizing for the mishap, sending it out priority AND including a FREE band. Booyah!

2.   Etsy
If you haven't shopped on Etsy your missing out. Etsy is a site where anyone can sell anything homemade. I bought a few things in the past 6 or so months..

This infinity scarf by BeardedOwlsHoot. It's gorgeous, I definitely did not get to wear it as much as I would have liked this winter

Gorg jewelry by the ever so talented Trista who I know personally and she's a sweetheart!

3.  Smoothies!!
Summer is coming up and what better way to celebrate than with smoothies.  Here are a few recipes:

The Fitnessista makes Smoothies
All Recipies

If you're like me and  lazy don't have a smoothie maker nor a blender try the Smoothie King (a chain I know). I had one in the airport (Slim-N-Trim Strawberry). mmm  Note: You can add extra protein. Bonus.

4.  Garmin GPS Forerunner 205

Whether you're a runner, walker, hiker or biker this is awesome.  It shows time, pace/lap/mileage (runners), elevation, tracks your path..there are 12 data points available.  When running I rarely leave home without this.

5.  Wild Tree products.  A friend is a consultant and I just bought the European Dipping oil duo and they are tasty! If you are interesting I'm having a book party soon (this was not a plug...really). Email me at nicolecoolman at yahoo.com if you're interested!


Cheers to the weekend!

Thursday, May 10, 2012

The dreaded Mothers Day

The month of May brings along a lot of exciting things. Spring..Summer is near..May flowers.. and (gulp) Mothers Day.

Happy Mothers Day to those Mothers out there. Happy Mothers Day to my own Madre who is always just a phone call away <3

To IF's it's the dreaded holiday.  The yearly reminder that another year passes and we are still not mothers.  For me personally, I am no closer than I was 3.5+ years ago.  In fact I feel like we've taken 10 steps back (ya know, the birth control and all).  I yearn for the day I can be celebrated as a mother.  But, sadly, it may not happen.  I may just be mother to a fur-child (or two maybe).

We work for things in life.  Work for a living, work for our bodies (whatever size/shape that may be), work for our relationships (friends, family, spouses), everybody's working for the weekend, why can't we work toward a baby (knowing there is an end in sight).  I feel like I/we work and work and work at it to no avail.  I am just now paying off IUI #4 (which was cancelled) and it's 2 months later. That sucks.

How can it be that even Snookie, my fav Jersey Shore cast member will become a mother.  It's a strange thing really.  I see it daily, people that shouldn't be mothers, but somehow God has given them this gift.

I don't know the reasons why and I really try not to question it, but man, sometimes it's hard. Life is hard.  We can't choose what happens to us however we can choose our attitude.  I choose to be happy. No matter what.  I choose to make the most of what I've been given. I'm so lucky in so many ways.  I choose happiness.


Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Race review - Marquette YMCA 10 miler

Last weekend one of my sistas and I ran the Marquette 10 mile YMCA race.   The proceeds went to benefit the Strong Kids foundation.  This is a great program (I was an instructor at the Y in WI and can personally attest to these programs!).

From the website:

The course runs along beautiful Lake Superior, starting and finishing at the YMCA of Marquette County and promises to be a fun fitness event for the whole family. 

It was a gorgeous day..started out a bit chilly, 29 as predicted but no wind and no rain (or snow!).  We started at the YMCA and headed down to Presque Isle. A gorgeous run around the back way of the island (or so it's called to us Marquette natives).


Then we headed down Hawley street which brought us to a stretch of 3.8 miles of trail running.  Somehow I missed that this run involved trail running. It.was.tough. Super tough, my sister said her goal was not to stop, so that was my motivation.  My ankles cursed me the next day.

We crossed the finish line at 1:31.  My sister totally rocked it, she was a superstar!!  I unfortunately only had my 1999 old school disposable camera and the dinosaur had to be sent away to be processed, but I'll hopefully have some updated pics soon.

Our other sister and mom brought my niece to the finish line. As I mentioned in my last race review, it's soo nice to have friendly faces during a race.

Our dad also ran the 10 miles and did awesome as well.  Indeed it was a "family event" as the Y claimed.

My overall review: good race, well planned route.  The water stops were lacking (2 - both early in the race) and there were no fuel stops (GU, Oranges, etc).  For 10 miles, typically you should have some sort of fuel.  The finish was kind of lackluster in the Y Parking lot.  I was hoping for more.  But overall a good race for a community event.  The Marquette Y staff was great.

Would I do this again: sure.  I loved the route. Marquette is really the best place in the world to run.  Clearwater is a close second.


Monday, May 7, 2012

Post Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Hello my dear folks,

A post happy Cinco de Mayo if you celebrated. Do anything fun? Margaritas (virgin or not) to be had?  I'm not a fan of tequila, but I do love me some Bethenny Frankel skinny margarita (it's light and refreshing and has just a tad of tequila aftertaste).


I went to a former co-workers Cinco de Mayo party.  It was a mix of ex co-workers and pretty low key for an afternoon party.  We ate, had a drink, ate more and then ate dessert.  Lots of good food made with loving Cinco hands :D

So I changed jobs about 9 months ago now and of course the question everyone was wondering (as I drank my Skinnygirl cocktail) was if I was preggers and if not, what were we doing.  The funny thing is only one person asked (quietly like she assumed I was ashamed?).

I get it, it's uncomfortable, it's weird, they feel bad, but come on now, just ask and stop wondering.

Then I wonder, as the saying goes, is anyone even wondering, or is it all in my mind?  Is it me thinking "it's all about me" and really no one cares? I guess I'll never know. and really, it doesn't matter.


Friday, May 4, 2012


Happy Friday!

TGIF, anyone, anyone?

I tell ya, this week has felt like 2 weeks smashed into one.  It was just busy, stressful, busy and did I say busy??

Did I mentioned I fell asleep sitting up the other day? 

I tried to relax at Yoga last night, but my body just wasn't having it.  Every move, every pose felt like I was dragging my body through mud.  Our instructor talked about an "aha" moment, a moment in your practice where you have clarity and/or you did something you normally couldn't do.  I will say, despite the mud dragging, I had an "aha" moment when we did tripod


Now I'm sure I didn't look at good as the yogi above, but it was something!

Then I walked out of the studio. and saw the many bellies preparing for Prenatal Yoga with their cute little pillows and bolsters. Really???? Is this a test?? Is God telling me I need to be strong because I think I've pretty much mastered that already. 3.5+ years is strong.  But this, really?

I've always had this image of what being pregnant would be like.. the pregnancy glow, the walks with the hubby and our dog with the cute little belly and prenatal yoga. I don't know why, it's just what I imagined.

Soo seeing this just tore at my heart strings and un-did everything yoga was supposed to do.

So, we planned date night for tonight. We'll be having this

and many of these (pinkies as they have been called)

just because I can.  So universe, take that.  score 1 for me.

Cheers to the weekend!

and for those who celebrate Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Thirsty Thursday

I took this title from Kathy Lee and Hoda. I am working today and don't plan on partaking in "Thirsty Thursday".  Love watching them, so funny and light hearted.

Speaking of light hearted, I just haven't been in the mood to really do an "update" post, work has been crazy, life/family even crazier (hardy har har) and of course we've been traveling our hiney's off.  I've had no time to sit around and think about Infertility.  What happened: life happened.

I have no idea what CD I'm on, no idea what day I should be on, no estimated day to call our RE.

I think this is a good thing, gives my mind time to focus on something else other than fertility.  I've been focusing on it way to much in the past 3.5+ years and my mind is tired.

So on this Thursday, as I drink my latte, answer emails, oh yeah and work! I give you this.

Our dog Ted who, yesterday (yes I have not unpacked from the weekend away), jumped in my half un-packed suitcase and took a little snoozer in there. It was so.funny.


Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Kicked out of the IF club

Hello my dear friends,

Happy Tuesday.  For anyone looking for an IF update, please return 26 days from now as I am on CD2 of BC (take two).



I read Blogs.  Fitness blogs, food blogs, running blogs, and infertility blogs.  All sorts of people in all sorts of places blogging about life and their daily happenings.

I read food, running and fitness blogs because these are things I love. I love learning tricks of the trade so to speak.  I read IF blogs because I feel less alone.  I feel like these people are my 'friends' and I can relate to them, even tho I've never met any of them in person.

So what happens when an IF becomes part of the 'mom club' and has to put her IF status away?  I can tell you as an IF who has never seen that BFP, I stop reading these blogs.  I'm so envious happy for them, I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but I just can't bear to read about one more BFP that I might never see.

I wonder what these former IF's feel?  I'm sure they are happy to be out of the IF club, but do they always consider themselves IF or do they consider themselves graduated and happy to move on?

I have no idea what seeing that BFP feels like, I am so envious of others that get to this point.  I think of seeing that BFP like a race where I can't seem to get to the finish line.  Feels like I'm running in circles getting nowhere.

Speaking of races, one of my sisters, my dad and I ran a race this past weekend. I have a full recap coming, but they were rockstars!!! My sister and I finished our 10 mile race in 1:31.  Great time as 3.8 miles of this race was trail running. Beat.me.dead. trail running.  It was tough but I am so proud of my family!
Also a shout out to my mom and other sister who cheered us on at the finish line <3