I know this is an IF blog, but I have literally no infertility news to tell you..
Still on round 2 of BC (just about 3 weeks left, yippee)
Still feel cruddy & bloated and nauseous at times, tho it's getting a little better thank God. I don't even want to weight myself, my jeans are super tight, no matter how much I run or do HOT yoga (isn't the weight suppose to "melt" off of you??).
What's next... well... hard to say. I always said that if we stopped "trying" I'd go back on BC (I would not like a 'surprise' at 40..too many risks for me to handle). So now that I'm back on (supposedly temporarily), do we stop trying.. no more IUI's, no more RE's?
I had an epiphany when we were on vaca, I would be ok sans kids. I talked to the hubby about this and he agreed (he's always been so supportive all through this, as it's "our" journey). We're soon-to-be mid-thirties and we're sort of set in our ways. We have a routine. I'm so sick of feeling sad for myself. Honestly. It's pathetic really.
SO we have 3 weeks to decide if we stop or move forward. One big thing is we pre-paid for 3 IUI's. We have had 2 complete IUI cycles so we have one left. They don't "expire" so we could always do it later, but I have a feeling, knowing me, if I'm back on BC 100% I won't go on/off it again, it's just too tough.
Sooo stay tuned I guess.
In other (happy) news, I'm running a race with one of my sistas this weekend! Weather report is looking coooolddd
Feels Like 26°F
At least it will be sunny..lets hope the wind holds out.
On Sunday I ran the IronGirl Half Marathon in Clearwater Florida and it was a great run.
Weather was absolutely perfect, couldn't have asked for a better day (tho probably not for a Fla native. There were ladies with pants, long sleeve shirts and gloves on while I wore a tank top and capris).
My race day morning consists of coffee!! get dressed (glide!), pin on my bib, get my gear on (timing chip, Garmin, iPod) and we're off! (yes that's 2 oreos next to my coffee....bfast of champions ;D )
All of this happens at 5 am. eeek early, but I had to be at the start at 6:30. It was still dark. I was lucky enough that my hubby dropped me off at the start. SO wish I would have had my camera as the sun came up.
As I mentioned, the weather, perfect.. slightly overcast (rained about 8 miles in) and cool. My iPod: #fail. Died before the race even started. Anyone who knows me knows I do not run without music! When I noticed it was dead I was tempted to quit the race and run home. But I didn't. So this was a challenge for me. Luckily the hubby joined in at mile 8.5. Race officials are usually pretty cool about letting people jump in/out, and of course they were fine, YAY! Then my family stepped out (in the rain!!) to watch us at mile 11.50 which was a great surprise!
The medal is awesome (from the site)
My photos (btw in the first pic, the bridge in the background was the 2nd bridge in the race (at mile 11ish. Tough.):
The finish line at Pier 60 on Clearwater Beach (add 1800 women piling through)
Overall, this was a great race. I would do it again in a heartbeat. The course was well planned out, lots of water stops/gu's, people were awesome, setup/ease of race day was a breeze. I was bummed that we flew in late and missed the Expo (taken as we drove by the Pier)
This billboard was at the Finish. Great message to finish off a great day!
A HUGE thanks to my family: the hubby who drove me at the crack of dawn on our vacation and who met me and saved me from quitting the race. My aunt and cousin who stood out in the rain to watch me <3
and will be back to regularly scheduled blogging Thursday.
Until then, take a look at the NIAW website, there's some great info out there.
April 22-28, 2012 is National Infertility Awareness Week®, a
nationwide campaign intended to educate the public about infertility and
the concerns of the infertility community. Since 1989, RESOLVE: The
National Infertility Association has led efforts to celebrate this
special week by hosting events and activities designed to encourage
grassroots advocacy and motivate the infertility movement.
This year’s theme is “Don’t Ignore Infertility.” We
chose this important message because every voice that speaks out about
the realities of infertility, and every act that acknowledges
infertility as a medical condition with far-reaching social and
emotional implications, helps tear down the wall of ignorance and
silence that surrounds this devastating disease.
During NIAW 2012, we are calling upon everyone in the infertility
community to commit to some act – large or small – to show that we won’t ignore infertility.
Together, we can educate millions of people about a disease that is
often overlooked and misunderstood by healthcare professionals, the
government, insurance companies, the media, and even friends and family
It’s time to make our voices heard!
What You Can Do
Join with RESOLVE in championing the “Don’t Ignore Infertility” theme
during the last week of April. Here are several ways you can show your
Don’t ignore opportunities to talk about infertility. Do you blog?
Tweet? Teach a health class? Have a book group? Take advantage of
opportunities in your daily life to share information about or bring
attention to the cause of infertility.
Don’t ignore legislation affecting infertility patients.
Several pending and existing laws encroach upon the rights of the
infertile to freely build their families. Help change policy and protect
your rights by writing to your representative or attending RESOLVE's Advocacy Day in Washington, D.C. on April 25.
Don’t ignore the impact of making a donation. Every cent donated donated helps bring needed programs and services to women and men with infertility. Sign up for the Walk of Hope or create your own fundraising event in your location.
Don’t ignore your own strength. If you’re engaged
in the fight against infertility, take a moment to recognize your
courage and determination, as well as that of the sisters and brothers
fighting alongside you.
What won’t you ignore about infertility during National Infertility Awareness Week? Come tell us about it on our Facebook page!
Also in the news, Giuliana & Bill Rancic are expecting a baby via gestational surrogate! After watching Giuliana on E News and her infertility struggle on Giuliana & Bill, this is such a miracle for them <3
Being on Fertility drugs the past yr or so is nothing compared to BC. Every day I wake up feeling either bloated or moody or possibly both (lucky FD (hubby)).
BC is no joke. I don't know if my body is more sensitive but I never ever felt this bad when I was on it for years and years. Makes me wonder, BC is not natural, it is preventing my body from doing what it was made to do. So should I continue on it? At this point in our journey, I don't think I have a choice.
I woke up this morning with the sharpest pain on my right side (where the cyst was/is....hopefully gone). I don't know what that means except it can't be good. It went away, so I didn't mention it to FD or do anything but go to work like normal, but I'm wondering if it was anything..
I don't have another u/s scheduled until we are through round #2 of BC.. so 28 days away. These next 28 days are going to be looooong.
In other fun news, we're headed to sunny Florida for my Half Marathon!
I'm sorry if you're reading this and pregnant or know someone who is pregnant or at one time you were pregnant but I'm going to share my dirty little secret...
I hate pregnant bellies.
They are all around us. Friends, family, neighbors, co-workers, celebrities. Being an IF, I know I'm not alone, but I may be alone in admitting it. Free speech right? They make me feel at first sad (for me), then envious, then mad, then jealous. Geesh, it's like a 12 step process. I wonder if the FD (the hubby) feels the same way I do when we see them.
Case in point. We were traveling over the weekend and the lady behind us in line at the airport was super preggers and adorable. I looked at her and I wondered if she could read what was going through my mind and how I was wishing I had sunglasses on so she didn't think I was creepy.
I know it's a terrible thing, really I do, but I can't help it. When my sister (God bless her) first found out she was pregnant I was sooo happy for her but sooooo sad for me (and I'm sure she could tell). I spent many a night feeling sorry for myself. How we are always the ones left in the dust. Fast forward to now, my niece is going to be 1 in June! And I couldn't be happier. The bellies bother me, babies don't.
Which brings me to my point (long winded) do I want to be pregnant or do I want a baby? They are two totally different things.
I know one of my sisters is going to announce a pregnancy again while we still TTC and while it sucks for me, I really have no choice but to move on.
Remember the movie French Kiss with Meg Ryan and Kevin Kline? Quirky Canadian/American Meg Ryan meets seksi Parisian Kevin Kline?
This is one of my all time fav movies. It's funny, seksi and takes place mostly in France. Love it. The part where she is trying to get her fiance back and says "I feel nothing"?? That's how I feel, still. Yesterday I blogged about not feeling mad, sad, etc and I feel the same today. Nothing. Except crampy and achy and running the Half Marathon in 5 days is the last thing I want to do.
I should feel mad at my body as I have in the past, sad that it's still, after 3.5 yrs, treating me badly. I should be wondering what is our next step, calling our RE and asking about the BC and my short cycle. But I have no desire to. I did call and ask whether to continue taking this cycle of BC or start the next but I missed the return call. And I haven't called back.
I should feel sad that two of my friends and two family members just had their babies. But I don't. I feel happy that I can sleep a full nights sleep without waking up, I feel happy that I can run 10 miles if I want to (which I don't ha ha). I feel happy that I have 5 days to spend with FD (the hubby) this weekend without interruptions (except work, blah).
What does this mean?? I thought I wanted a baby...do I? Am I just sad and I don't know how to deal with it, so indifference is it? I have no idea.
We were in Baltimore over the weekend for my Godson's baptism. The weekend was a whirlwind of food, drinks, friends, runs, spin, more food, more drinks, oh yeah and AF.
If you missed it, last month AF surprised me early after only 22 days. My cycle is normally (Pre IUIs) like clockwork and only varies maybe a day. Well 6 months and 5 cycles of fertility drugs later, I'm all F'd up and it's annoying. I was on a run with the hubby around the beautiful Baltimore Inner Harbor
(thankfully we ran early so it wasn't this packed... few hours later it looked exactly like this) when I felt twinging and cramping. Since Necon is a strong BC I expected spotting mid-cycle, nbd. Well today, it's full on AF. Btw traveling + AF + cheap aiport tampons = no fun.
Surprisingly I'm not sad, angry, mad. I'm just fine. I'm not sure if it's the stress of the month (workwise) or the stress of being around old friends all weekend (being around friends shouldn't be stressful should it?), but I feel neutral. Like there are bigger things to worry about than not having a baby. Am I in mourning of our said child? Am I over the infertility hump as they say??
Time will tell.
It's been a looooong day, I'll have some Baltimore pics this week!
It's interesting to see how people deal with their infertility. Some share every Dr visit, follicle size, shot to everyone they encounter. Some protect this information like it's the Kennedy's assassination. I guess we fall in the middle..most of the family knows, some friends, but it's not all we talk about, it doesn't "define" us.
Realistically, it's a disease, like cancer, something we can't control, so why are we (myself included) ashamed?
I see both sides. On one hand it's so nice to have someone to talk to when you're feeling down. But, playing the devil's advocate, most people don't understand and will (unknowingly) minimize emotions, saying this or that to try to make you feel better. It 'will' happen. Really, can you see the future? Because I know a TON of couples where it just didn't happen.
It is interesting how much we've learned (and how little most know) about infertility. Almost everyone asks why we don't just do IVF. If I was a millionaire I would, however a mere $20k for the chance of a baby is a tough gamble. And we're not the gambling type. Almost everyone, at some point or another says, 'You can have my kids' and I go back to Tertia's blog post and I quote (because it really made me laugh)
"Now that’s an incredibly stupid thing to say. What kind of mother are you to give her kids away? Oh you were only joking? What was the funny part? That I don’t have my own kids? Sorry, but I am not getting the joke?"
Having been through a few IUI's, it's hard to bring everyone on the journey (except you all of course). For the first one, we shared everything..from the dr visits, follicles, to the IUI and the 2WW. For the next ones, we didn't tell most until afterwards. It's pressure. Everyone is waiting with you, wondering, and I feel like we're letting them down (as well as ourselves) when we have to report no baby... again..
It's hard to come out of the infertile closet.
In other light and fun news, we're headed here today in honor of my Godson's baptism
Despite the cooool Wi mornings, the sun is shining and I love it.
I was watching The Little Couple the other night and reality set in. This may just not happen for us. Despite our best effort, we may come out of this with nothing but heartache and a lot less money in the bank.
The Little Couple is a reality show on TLC that I got sucked into. Bill, the husband, is 4'0" and the wife, Jen is 3'2". The show documents their life as little people, first as a married couple, then building a house and now starting a family. They used a surrogate and have had 2 failed IVF attempts. OUCH. If they can't get IVF to stick, why do I think a less successful procedure, IUI, will work.
I try to be optimistic, but pessimism is setting in. How do I change my outlook? You don't know if you don't try? How can we give up after all we've done thus far? Nothing worth having comes easy?
I can write every saying in the book but I still don't know if any of this will work. Faith. I'm losing hope and my Faith.
Family holidays can be the worst for IFs. Whether it's Christmas, Memorial Day or Easter.
Pretty much any family party falls into this category. It's not so much what people say (because 99% won't say anything), it's what they are thinking and the sad eyes they give you. You know they are thinking oh she's drinking, must not be pregnant.
This past Christmas we debated not going to any family gatherings. Especially since 2 weeks prior we found out IUI#1 didn't take. But we went and drank and it was fine.
Every IF is different. Some don't want to talk about it, some are totally open and don't mind. If you're a friend/family member of an IF, good luck, it's an emotional topic and we're not responsible for our actions (ha ha blame the fertility meds :D ). This past Christmas Eve, I had a family member ask what was going on, what were we doing, etc and I appreciated the up front questions. Fast forward 3 months later I wasn't invited to her baby shower. Ouch.
Here are some of my "Surviving the holidays" tips:
1. Drink, kidding.. maybe..
2. Plan something really fun during/after the holidays. It may be a trip you can talk about or something as simple as sledding with your spouse.
3. Stay off touchy subjects if you're feeling emotional. Change the subject.. talk about the weather. Did you hear J Lo is dating a 25 yr old??
4. Limit exposure or skip events if you need to.
5. Wear something fun and sexy. New shoes!
When all else fails, have a staycation. Enjoy the holiday in your pj's.
Hope this helps..after 3.5 yrs of surviving the holidays, it doesn't get any easier.